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Teen Poetry #8
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Awakening
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Awakening |
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vexx Junior Member
since 2007-04-20
Posts 14denmark/bornholm |
Awakening Darkest depths of deep desire Walking with forgotten dreams Seeking life as i admire Though life is rarely as it seems My heart is beating with the fear My eyes are closed by anger Shaking from the shock of loss This life is not for me Looking for the thing i lost the love i felt so strong when i look in your eyes i see that we will never be truly free |
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| © Copyright 2007 Ronnie Komstedt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
I will be the bad guy as I often am.. And many will disagree with me too. .. Have not been on in while. too long. Also if someone gets the chance could someone crittique some of my poems I have posted semi recently Darkest depths of deep desire Walking with forgotten dreams Seeking life as i admire Though life is rarely as it seems *With rhyming poems it is good to try to have the syllable count be on point, here the syllables for the first couplet are off. I would fix that. I liked the first stanza but it was very cliche. What were you trying to say by it , or what meaning did you want the reader to pick up? My heart is beating with the fear(of what) My eyes are closed by anger (at what) Shaking from the shock of loss (of what,who) This life is not for me(what life) * Looking for the thing i lost the love i felt so strong when i look in your eyes i see that we will never be free how about no way that we can ever be free ? Why can't you be free? The poem was good as a whole and you did well by keeping this simple but it seemed a bit cliche to me. Cliche is good but I think you could have made this a bit more creative |
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vexx Junior Member
since 2007-04-20
Posts 14denmark/bornholm |
hmmm bad guy you say...well someone have to be you ask "What were you trying to say by it" well i was thinking of the dreams we all have of love and living togethere for the rest of our lifes...and with the syllable i dont know if i can do it better second part speaks of feelings that i can't say if otheres have but i belive we all fear lose, and fear can turn to anger against thoughs that havent done anything and it can blind me/us to what we do and that can then bring the lose that we so feard and the shock can remove the wish to fight on for a "good life" the last part...well fear chains me holds me from doing anything from fighting for the love that i feel and im dont think ill ever be free of that well thank you for trying i'll think about these on my next writing  |
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