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Teen Poetry #8

On the run

Xeonox

Senior Member

since 2000-04-01

Posts 1764
CA, USA

0 posted 2007-01-08 04:06 PM

I’ve not seen too much misery,
Or suffer enough poverty,
I hardly rode a bus in life,
And had my picking of a wife,

I felt no tears on my cheeks,
Or went a day full of reek,
My stomach never cried out,
And never was I close to passing out,

Even though I had some rough times,
I am the same man the next day,
Haven’t lost much in life,
But somehow my ambition has kept me on the run.

I speak insanity. I write fantasy. I sleep reality.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2007-01-09 04:05 PM

Kill the ryhme it is really forced here. Try it free verse

whitelielovely
Member

since 2006-12-11

Posts 146
Australia

2 posted 2007-01-11 08:01 PM

love the by line. i don't know that i know much but this;
bring it from the heart to the paper. the translation won't hardly ever be correct but the best you can give will be one of the best ever heard.
work on detail.

-Lovely

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday."

Noelle - age 7

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

3 posted 2007-01-12 01:43 PM

I liked this one a lot. Actually, I thought this was one of your better poems, no insult intended toward your other poems.

The last stanza threw me for a loop though. I'm not quite sure I understand where that comes into the poem. It seems like another poem thrown in to make it longer, I'm probably wrong though.

I loved how you started out in the poem. The first two stanzas are my favorites. In most poems I see the "poor me, I'm so miserable" but in this doesn't and I like that.

I think you had a typo on the "suffer(ed)" in the first stanza that should be changed.

Other than that thanks for sharing! It was wonderful reading more of your work.

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->---

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