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hollygal
Junior Member

since 2006-12-30

Posts 21
Alberta, Canada

0 posted 2007-01-06 10:53 PM

Anything i can do to make this poem better would be great help. thnx beforehand

It came to me slowly
didn’t see it at first.
Didn’t grasp it wholly
until I was immersed.

All at once it hit me
like a slap across the face
in that single moment
as I stared into space

You are worth defending,
no matter what they say.
You were worth befriending,
you prove that every day.

I’ve had other friends,
but I never felt like this.
I hope this never ends
‘cause in the past I’ve missed.

I know you’ll be there,
through thick and thin.
Though not always here,
you are dearer than kin.

Secrets shared with no other,
memories of good and bad.
The happy times with the other,
and those times that made us sad.

You are always by my side,
in body or in spirit.
With you I have nothing to hide
for you have proved your merit.

whitelielovely
Member

since 2006-12-11

Posts 146
Australia

1 posted 2007-01-08 08:03 PM

beautiful.

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday."

Noelle - age 7

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

2 posted 2007-01-09 03:45 PM

THe last line is really awkyard it doesn't fit with the rest of the poem

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

3 posted 2007-01-12 01:55 PM

I'm not sure if I agree with rhia on the ending line or not, to me it seemed like it worked.

The thing that was popping out at me as awkward would be these lines,

"I hope this never ends
‘cause in the past I’ve missed."

I must be stupid but I don't understand what you've missed in the past?

"I know you’ll be there,
through thick and thin.
Though not always here,
you are dearer than kin."

hard for me to understand this one also. It seems like it is contradicting itself, or could it be where the periods are positioned?

"Secrets shared with no other,
memories of good and bad.
The happy times with the(each) other,
and those times that made us sad."

I would skip the "the" in L3 and put "each" in it's place.

So, I didn't suggest anything major and I could be wrong in my suggestions but I hope some of it helps.

By the way, I loved the first few stanzas. Beautifully written and they just seem to roll off the tongue when spoken.

Thanks for sharing/letting me read your work.
I look forward to seeing more of your poems in the near future

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->---

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