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damo451
Junior Member

since 2006-12-29

Posts 18
Western Australia

0 posted 2006-12-29 01:45 PM

This is my first poem so stick in any constructive criticism if you want.

They say a friend is special,
That you would give your life for.
Forever there through thick and thin,
For eternity and more.

I remember way back then,
It was seven years ago.
We played out in the playground,
Running to and fro.

Life was really fun back then,
We were only eight years old.
Filled with such obedience,
Did everything we were told.

One year later, still best friends,
Never thought we'd move apart.
One argument was all it took,
It pierced our friendship like a dart.

I really wish that he was back,
To me he was a brother.
Our friendship was of such a bond,
We'd die for one another.

But then he left from our school,
I feel so sad that he flew.
'Cause the final thing I said was:
"I really really hate you"

~Damien Lee~

DucksCanFly
Junior Member

since 2006-12-20

Posts 20

1 posted 2006-12-29 04:21 PM

Wow, an amazing first post! I really loved it. The flow is perfect and I can really sense the emotion. I especially loved the ending - good impact. I don't think I have any criticism for it! Great poem

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

2 posted 2006-12-29 05:44 PM

My only correction would be take out the second really in the last line if you want. It would get the message across and fix up the syllable count.

Welcome to PIP

damo451
Junior Member

since 2006-12-29

Posts 18
Western Australia

3 posted 2006-12-29 11:31 PM

Cool, didn't think my first would be that good. Thanks for the tip Rhia.

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

4 posted 2006-12-30 04:31 AM

Wow, that was amazing i wish my first post was that good. Welcome to passions... hope to read more soon...
hunnie

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

Tee
Junior Member

since 2006-12-20

Posts 26
Belgium

5 posted 2006-12-30 01:59 PM

Amazing for your first poem

Welcome to PIPs, hope to read some more of you soon ^^

RevengeIsMine
Senior Member

since 2006-07-08

Posts 820
Australia

6 posted 2006-12-30 07:17 PM

Nice Poem and Welcome to PIP....
I have been here for a whole 4 months (I think) and trust me after the first month it feels like a year... But all the guys are great here and really easy to get along with.. Let alone excellent poets

Lost Between The World Of Fun and Reality..

RevengeIsMine
Senior Member

since 2006-07-08

Posts 820
Australia

7 posted 2006-12-30 07:18 PM

Nice Poem and Welcome to PIP....
I have been here for a whole 4 months (I think) and trust me after the first month it feels like a year... But all the guys are great here and really easy to get along with.. Let alone excellent poets

Lost Between The World Of Fun and Reality..

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