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Teen Poetry #8
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Just to talk
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Just to talk |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
Just to talk hunnie you treated me with respect and care, telling me you'd always be there, if I ever needed someone to talk to, you said I could always, talk to you, I know it's your job to help teens like me, showing us the road to take, be who we wanna be, but you showed me more without a doubt, all my problems just seemed to flow right out, I know you were hired to keep me alive, saving me from jumping, doing a head dive, I have to say what you told me, it's hard to conceive, though i'm hit with the facts it's still hard to believe, you could help someone like me who's been through hell, but you might back out only time can tell. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~ |
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| © Copyright 2006 Krysti - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Tell us who this person is. it could be anyone, I am confused |
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Tempest Member
since 2006-04-28
Posts 247dont eat paint chips!!!! |
was it a counceller |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi Hunnie, I’d have to agree with rhia on telling us whom you are talking about in the poem, although, Tempest’s idea of a counselor was what I thought the poem meant also, I’d hate to assume though. I liked the “flow” in this, sure, if you look in CA they say that saying you like the “flow” is a lazy way of just saying nothing, okay, so I paraphrased what they say in CA, although, it might be true. I still liked the flow, the way one word flowed to the next (that is if I ignore some of the grammar) I thought you did a nice job. The one thing I felt was lacking in that department would be the last stanza. The last stanza seemed to lose any form or smoothness it could’ve had, I think you could say the same thing but better if you work on it a little more. Also, it’s not as long as the other stanzas and I’m kind of fickle in that I like the lengths to be the same if possible. The grammar in this poem also threw me through a few loops. I’m not perfect in my grammar either so I could be wrong but this part, “you said I could always, talk to you,” I don’t think that there needs to be a comma before talk, anyone else have any ideas on that? I also noticed there are no periods! Is this supposed to be continues? Could you put periods to show us where to break and how we need to read this, what the style is? I think that’d be awesome but I also admit that I hate grammar and it’s hard for me to put it into my poems. Just an interesting thought and I hope I don’t offend you in mentioning it. Thanks for sharing! You inspired me to read and comment with your work and that’s something I haven’t done in awhile. I hope to see more in the near future "I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->--- |
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Tempest Member
since 2006-04-28
Posts 247dont eat paint chips!!!! |
i thought this was amazing! hey will u check out Just Another Soldier for me? |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
Wow Stargal i haven't seen you write that much in so long your long replies were missed but thanks for the critiques ummm yea i don't know the grammar hmmm not my best i guess hmmm any way thanks... Rhia- Tempest was right it was a councellor yea i guess i didn't say it though so i made you guys guess.... Tempest- Thank you for your comment i will definatly check out Just Another Soldier... thanks y'all, hunnie  A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~ |
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wwzwlmd8 Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 96San Diego,CA |
that was great and I can relate to this it kind of like me. |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
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