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Teen Poetry #8
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Wished I could run
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Wished I could run |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
The tears didn't fall fast enough- as I sat in my room alone on friday nights All I wanted listening to my ipod as I walked to school was to run away from the comments that bite Dreams of running gave me wings from my pain flying as my feet pounded the cobblestone Imagining being free - released from my cage Wanting so bad for running to just bring me home Desperately dying inside- homesick for the states Wishing for the people who could heal my broken heart and put it back together again after being ripped by silence I can pinpoint exactly when the shunning started Carefully and slowly they distanced themselves from me finding ways to hurt me and flaunt their friendship Runaway Love came out and I wished I could run too Just hear my heartbeat and hope I'd be missed |
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| © Copyright 2008 rhia_5779 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
I've enjoyed reading the poem, it evocatively brings to mind memories that most of us have. But I do think your verse would be enhanced with the use of regular meter and solid rhymes. I believe that what you wrote deserves a more structured form. Here's a quick example with your first stanza: My tears do not fall fast enough Once in my room alone at night; I walk to music and I want To run away from words that bite. Granted, some words are missing. But the rhymes are solid and the meter is tight. It would be for you to decide what to keep and what to discard, or simply reorganize. I ventured this as I believe you have got strong potential. You're free to take it or leave it. Should you have any question, I'd be happy to help  A merry Christmas to you Mark |
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