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Teen Poetry #8
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gdcod2player
Member
since 2008-07-26
Posts 117


0 posted 2008-11-20 09:03 PM



Shrinking violet you left me waiting
This year I have felt the pain
I can’t find you
I keep screaming your unknown name
Everything has left me alright
All by myself with nothing left to keep in my hand
I want to hold on to the last violet I held on to
The last thing I heard it say was let me live my life let me go away
I need to take some of my time to think all this through
Maybe I need to take a holiday too

No time for hope I need to find my life
I have noting left to say
This is my last stand please believe in me
I’ve learned something today
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
It means everything to me
The advice I needed before I lost my pulse

The empty sun light is gone
Its night with nothing left
The fogs coming and I have no one here
Am I alone or am I still waiting for you?
Breaking down I have found out why you’re lost in me
Was it all a lie that I had to find out?
Why couldn’t you just tell me that the first day?
The empty feeling I had is now in rent
Jimmy had the gun and a bullet for my head
Was he out of his mind?
It ended my punishment



© Copyright 2008 gdcod2player - All Rights Reserved
rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
1 posted 2008-11-30 01:08 PM


Shrinking violet you left me waiting
Wow, I love that line- I don't fully get it but its beautiful all the same.

This year I have felt the pain
I can’t find you
I keep screaming your unknown name
Everything has left me alright
All by myself with nothing left to keep in my hand

This feels stiff- try and loosen it up , you can make it into phrases or short sentences . 'Unknown name' seems a little weird- I think I get it but its a little confusing. Are there any words to put that thought in one?

I want to hold on to the last violet I held on to

I'm a little confused about what you mean here.

The last thing I heard it say was let me live my life let me go away
I need to take some of my time to think all this through
Maybe I need to take a holiday too


I just saw that you possibly didn't want crittique so I'm going to leave it at this- if you want more crittique I'll read over the rest of your poem and give you my feedback but only if you want.
I think it has potential.
If you don't want feedback- thats totally fine- I def have poems I don't really want peoples thoughts on because they are my feelings really raw.

hunnie_girl
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567
Canada
2 posted 2008-12-01 10:43 PM


I agree with Rhia.. man her replies have been greatly missed here! but the first line i do love it although im not sure i know what it is really trying to say.
great write
Krysti

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