Sins For The Non Believers..

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RevengeIsMine
Senior Member

since 2006-07-08

Posts 820
Australia

0 posted 2008-05-06 08:53 PM

Can you see the sorrow that falls down from her eyes?
A million times she’s screamed for help but you never heard her cries
She’s tired and she’s broken, she’s slowly coming undone
For all the years she’s been alone, she finally needs someone

She’s living in a world that spins until she’s sick
So many paths to chose from but which one will she pick
The friend that tell her lies, just to get her own way
Or the one that really cares but she pushes away

Here we go again with all things you should have said
All the things you thought of but kept up in your head
You won’t see her slip away the night she faces her fears
The night she disappears too cry a million tears

XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member

since 2008-01-20

Posts 891
Neverland

1 posted 2008-05-06 09:54 PM

This has got to be one of ur new best. I love it. I can relate to every stanza,line and word. Great write hun!! Library.

{~~*~~}

{&]ebbing.away.from*my.pain.}}
{~Emily~}

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

2 posted 2008-05-07 04:38 PM

I'm not gunna repeat what emily said cuz i was gunna say that. ha ha. All im gunna say here is.. Great work! i can totally relate.

~Zach~

"Fate leads the willing, and drags along the reluctant."

Tripp'ncutie
Member

since 2008-05-05

Posts 73
minnasota

3 posted 2008-05-09 09:37 AM

I know that feeling all too well, at this very moment to be exact.

Great work, really like the emotion.

Unfortunate Disaster
Junior Member

since 2008-05-08

Posts 17
Australia

4 posted 2008-05-09 11:04 AM

this was bueatifully written, you emotion was fantastic and it flowed really well. 10/10!

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

5 posted 2008-05-12 10:18 AM

your amazing. this was amazing.

Earl Robertson
Senior Member

since 2008-01-21

Posts 753
BC, Canada

6 posted 2008-05-12 03:17 PM

W-O-W I'm in AWE!!! If this is about you I hope you get better.
LIBRARY!!

"We all lead such elaborate lives, We don't know who's words are true." Aida

RevengeIsMine
Senior Member

since 2006-07-08

Posts 820
Australia

7 posted 2008-05-12 11:11 PM

Well Thanks SOO much guys..
Clockwork Orange, nice too see u back n reading...

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

8 posted 2008-05-12 11:24 PM

Unfortunately for many of you I am back and you know with those critique messages on you are never safe from me!

I think that this poem needs a little bit of a re-do. I'm not sure if you have noticed but poems like these have been done until their commonplace with nothing new being shown. Sure, the sentiment is great and we all feel sorrow for the girl in the poem but why did she scream for help? Why is she living in a world that spins? What choices are her friends offering? Why won't we see her slip away? This is all very vague, yes, the poem makes sense as it is but you could make the character so much more in-depth, show us why we should/are showing so much sorrow for this being. Instead of "oh that's so sad" make it so we bawl our eyes out it's so sad! Well, that's just a thought on content and could be taken either way, sometimes we need to have that vagueness and other times it can be a hindrance, it is your poem so you should discern what the correct play is from here.

For me when I read this out loud I found the 2nd and 3rd stanzas to be especially clunky towards the end or middle of each one. I think this is because there are times an extra word is added that isn't needed and it hinders the rhythm somewhat.

I did enjoy the part where it was said,

"Here we go again with all things you should have said
All the things you thought of but kept up in your head",

this read well to me and it was very straightforward everyday life honest. Bravo.

Anyway, there is some thoughts, take it how you will but please remember I am critiquing the poem and I am not critiquing you.

RevengeIsMine
Senior Member

since 2006-07-08

Posts 820
Australia

9 posted 2008-05-13 12:42 PM

Thanks stargal.. i know your only critiquing and i really do appreciate it... So I'm looking at all the things you've just said and I've also decided that I'm going to have a go at re-writing it and taking into consideration everything you have just said.. so with that being said.. thankyou and please keep an eye out for my re-write...

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