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Romantic
Junior Member

since 2007-12-10

Posts 28
Lost in the eyes of the one i love

0 posted 2008-05-10 09:29 AM

There is not a word, that can describe,
The love for you, I have inside.
I cherish you with all my heart,
Because I knew you were special from the start.
You fill my life with lots of joy,
Your company is what I really enjoy.
Surely you can see how special you are to me,
There is no way you can disagree.
With all my heart I have to say,
Kellie, I love you.

Love... it is the best feeling in the world... but beware.. the path to happyness can hurt alot

Earl Robertson
Senior Member

since 2008-01-21

Posts 753
BC, Canada

1 posted 2008-05-10 11:20 AM

You have quite the talent for ryme! I would however watch your flow,to me it seemed off a bit.

"We all lead such elaborate lives, We don't know who's words are true." Aida

hiddensmiles
Senior Member

since 2008-02-07

Posts 514
at the beach... i wish

2 posted 2008-05-10 12:20 PM

nice write

JJ

Romantic
Junior Member

since 2007-12-10

Posts 28
Lost in the eyes of the one i love

3 posted 2008-05-10 09:24 PM

im not really that good with rhymes. i had trouble trying to get this one to and i think thats why the flow was a bit out

Unfortunate Disaster
Junior Member

since 2008-05-08

Posts 17
Australia

4 posted 2008-05-11 06:32 AM

i love everything about it!!!!

spiderilia
Junior Member

since 2008-04-24

Posts 21
Israel

5 posted 2008-05-12 08:31 AM

very good... the rhymes are good but the flow us a little bit off...
but without this little comment the poem is really good... as for the rhyming with time youll improve... keep up the good work

=P

Tripp'ncutie
Member

since 2008-05-05

Posts 73
minnasota

6 posted 2008-05-12 08:35 AM

cute i enjoyed it and yes you do have a nack for rhyming great work.

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

7 posted 2008-05-13 12:57 PM

Honestly I would drop the rhyme, I think that it makes the poem more sing-songy but it deflects from the seriousness of your words. You did a very good job with it though and that's just my opinion. I am curious towards the last line, you deviated from the rhyme scheme, was that on intentional or something that just happened?

Romantic
Junior Member

since 2007-12-10

Posts 28
Lost in the eyes of the one i love

8 posted 2008-05-13 02:05 AM

well I deviated from the rhyme baiscally because i couldnt find anything that rhymed that i like so i though that i would just leave it that way

Love... it is the best feeling in the world... but beware.. the path to happyness can hurt alot

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

9 posted 2008-05-13 10:07 AM

Hmm... I like the last line and it's deviation, sometimes if one rhymes too much it becomes monotonous. I think it worked out well the way you did the ending line.

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