the dark side of me. please help

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wolf girl
Member

since 2007-12-03

Posts 150
washington, US

0 posted 2007-12-26 10:26 PM

i think it needs work please help. thanks

ill tell you a tale of pain and sorrow
its filled with loss and misery
dont read on if you live in the light
this is a dark poem meant not for delight

i watch the world through clouded eyes
clouded by the pain and hate
everything is starting to break
everything is slipping away
the loss that ive suffered and misery
this is what makes this dark side of me
i dont care for fashion or popularity
i care only for the dark things
i hide from the world so they wont see
the darkest part of me
my soul is tainted
my worlds are poision
they seep into your brain
they will cause you pain
their is nothing bright about me
i like in the dark
cant you see?
i would advise you to stay away from me

xbrokenxlullabyx
Junior Member

since 2007-12-25

Posts 36
NJ, U.S.A.

1 posted 2007-12-27 11:03 AM

hmmm there are some really strong lines here that maybe you could incorpoate into other poems but this sounds kind of forced/fake. Like the character is proclaiming him/herself to be dark but I think you write this and show but not tell if you know what I mean.

the line about seeing through clouded eyes is showing
saying that you don't care about popularity, only dark things is telling. showing is always stronger.
let it be natural, if you're feeling this way show us, don't tell us.

Susanna V.

LittleWillow
Member

since 2007-12-27

Posts 54

2 posted 2007-12-27 11:23 AM

I think it's a good poem.

Maybe at the end you could include why the character feels this word. In a solid sentence. Maybe something like 'Because of you and what you done' Let us know why she is feeling this way, so we can understand why.

I think there some excellent line in this though, its well done so far.

=]

xxx

XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member

since 2008-01-20

Posts 891
Neverland

3 posted 2008-02-02 02:21 PM

I agree with LittleWillow, it isn't quite clear why she is the way she is, why she loves the dark adn what brought her to that desicion. But either than that I LOVE it! it reminds me of me and my friends.

FoReVeR.BrOkEn

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

4 posted 2008-02-02 08:24 PM

This sounds fake, like the person telling this is just saying this. And not feeling the actual emotions behind your words.*im not trying to be mean, im srry if it sounds like i am =]* the rhyming is good though. =]keep up the good work!!

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