navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #8 » first poem up- Hush Now
Teen Poetry #8
Post A Reply Post New Topic first poem up- Hush Now Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
xbrokenxlullabyx
Junior Member
since 2007-12-25
Posts 36
NJ, U.S.A.

0 posted 2007-12-25 10:14 PM


Hi, I'm new to this site and want to get some feeback on a poem I'm working on (key words: working on! It isn't perfect by any means) I'd love your opinion. Talk to me on aim, I'd love to read your work that isn't on here: ZaNnY SaY WhAt

"Hush now
As I’m moving up and down
Tracing your muscles
As I’m mapping your image

Don’t make a sound

I’m pressing my story
Up against your body
You’re pulling the memories
Out through my eyes
I’m keeping my promise
I’m keeping this dream alive
Even if it’s just for tonight
I’m keeping this dream alive

Christmas lights dance
Across my skin
Thoughts of where we started
And where we’ve been
As the red lights
Sink in like sin
Thoughts of cheap hotels
-And holiday depression

But hush now
Please don’t make a sound

Lights swimming
Before my eyes
Every single breath
Is a strangled cry
In, and out
In, and Out
every memory a twisted lullaby
(in and out, in and out)
Tonight

You make me someone
I’m scared to see
I'm afraid to know
How I could be
I’m even more terrified
That you’ll see
This is not how we’re supposed to be

Please hush now
Baby, don’t make a sound
Please just lie with me
Please show me how you see
Be my mirror
-My broken mirror
Tonight"

Susanna V.

© Copyright 2007 susanna v. - All Rights Reserved
wolf girl
Member
since 2007-12-03
Posts 150
washington, US
1 posted 2007-12-26 12:11 PM


its ok everyone is really kind. here and i love the poem its an awsome write.

-jenna

hunnie_girl
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567
Canada
2 posted 2007-12-27 01:50 AM


Wow this izz so beautiful love it and Welcome to Passions
Krysti

xbrokenxlullabyx
Junior Member
since 2007-12-25
Posts 36
NJ, U.S.A.
3 posted 2007-12-27 09:53 AM


thanks guys =]
it's a work in progress but i'm glad y'all like it

Susanna V.

LittleWillow
Member
since 2007-12-27
Posts 54

4 posted 2007-12-27 11:28 AM


This is fab. =] I think the way you have described it is great. You can really get a sense of what the person is feeling.

Great =]


xxx

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #8 » first poem up- Hush Now

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary