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Teen Poetry #8

Maybe

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

0 posted 2007-12-13 10:00 PM

Maybe

Maybe happy isn’t quite right
In all the words in the world
It will do

Maybe song isn’t song without
The underlying score
Of gentle humming

Maybe a breeze is an empty
Piece of air
Just dying to escape

Maybe the writers’ words
Come naturally
Without any mistake

Maybe not everything
Has been
What it should be

Maybe I’m too immersed
In the thing that I see
With my eyes

Maybe, just maybe
A Christmas delight
Will a light on my door tonight

Maybe it’s the time
Or the season
Or my rhyme

That helps us carry
Ourselves across
And on

"I have no other but a woman's reason:
I think him so, because I think him so."

Elias Nevermore
Member

since 2007-11-03

Posts 152

1 posted 2007-12-13 10:53 PM

im sry to say that this wasn't your best work. The words seemed to be forced. You have to let it flow out naturally.

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

2 posted 2007-12-14 12:30 PM

you're right, i should stop trying to write poems when i'm half asleep, lol. which was the case here.

-Kate

"I have no other but a woman's reason:
I think him so, because I think him so."

karrymotter
New Member

since 2007-12-14

Posts 5

3 posted 2007-12-27 05:18 AM

i actually liked that..
even if you were half asleep haha!
its nice
but make it flow haha

xbrokenxlullabyx
Junior Member

since 2007-12-25

Posts 36
NJ, U.S.A.

4 posted 2007-12-27 10:52 AM

in the stanza:
Maybe I’m too immersed
In the thing that I see
With my eyes

I thought the last line "with my eyes" didn't flow as well as it could, and the first two lines were much stronger

overall nice ideas

Susanna V.

LittleWillow
Member

since 2007-12-27

Posts 54

5 posted 2007-12-27 11:25 AM

Yeah i agree with them. Needs to flow. But i thnk its a great idea.

=]]

xxx

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