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Teen Poetry #8
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Derek
Junior Member
since 2007-10-20
Posts 38
New Hampshire, USA

0 posted 2007-11-21 05:44 PM


This is a quick little poem that I wrote of my ex-girlfriend, she broke up with me about four months ago, but the relationship only lasted one month. I dont have feelings for her anymore, but I never go a day without thinking of her, its just something about her.

"Kelsi is a name,
that's in my past.
T'was a game,
that ended so fast.

Kelsi is a name,
of something that's gone.
Kelsi is a memory,
that stays far too long."

The second stanza was suppost to be the ending, I want to fill it in more between the stanza's, but I am just drawing a blank.

© Copyright 2007 Derek - All Rights Reserved
RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062
In Love <3
1 posted 2007-11-21 06:48 PM


aww that happens to me sometimes- and i must say, it's nice to see a fellow old english lover here. lol. it adds a certain suprise element to it.

-Kate

ps, the first stanza is a bit shaky, i would look over it and see if there is anything you can do to help it- the idea is there, it's just slightly raw.
but love the idea, been there before. it gets better.


"I have no other but a woman's reason:
I think him so, because I think him so."

BrittanyJ
Member
since 2007-06-03
Posts 461
Come find me?
2 posted 2007-11-21 07:03 PM


Yes, i've had this feeling before. And as Red said, it does get better. Anyways, nicely written

So no more hiding all your pain, you deserve a new start. That's why i'm closing myself away, this is a message from your heart.

Derek
Junior Member
since 2007-10-20
Posts 38
New Hampshire, USA
3 posted 2007-11-21 07:14 PM


aww man, I thought the first stanza was pretty good. Do you have any suggestions on how to make it better?
hunnie_girl
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567
Canada
4 posted 2007-11-22 06:05 PM


"Kelsi is a name,
that's in my past.
T'was a game,
that ended so fast.

I do like the fisrt stanza but The T'was word kinda throws the flow off a bit I think if you found a different word or set of words it would flow better but you dont have to... Just a suggestion..
Krysti

RevengeIsMine
Senior Member
since 2006-07-08
Posts 820
Australia
5 posted 2007-11-24 03:00 AM


i think it has loads of potential but try this its just my opinion so o offense will be taken if u don't like it


"Kelsi is a name,
that shall remain in my past.
It was all a game,
that ended way too fast.

Kelsi is a name,
of something that's gone.
Kelsi is a memory,
that stayed for far too long."

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062
In Love <3
6 posted 2007-11-24 08:10 AM


i think your syllable count is off, you can knock off some or add some, but it just doesn't quite fit that "awe" factor yet.


"I have no other but a woman's reason:
I think him so, because I think him so."

Derek
Junior Member
since 2007-10-20
Posts 38
New Hampshire, USA
7 posted 2007-11-25 12:07 PM


what do you mean? should every other line have the same amount of syllables?
Derek
Junior Member
since 2007-10-20
Posts 38
New Hampshire, USA
8 posted 2007-11-27 09:25 PM


can anyone please answer that question?
RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062
In Love <3
9 posted 2007-12-01 04:24 PM


umm, well it's not really an exact science derek, it's something that you have to feel out, it is the resonance of the poem, the wow factor when you read it aloud and say woah, this is right on. it deals with not only syllables, but also the sounds of letters, it's complicated, you get it sometimes, and other times you don't. i know i'm there sometimes. sometimes it doesn't let you express things they way you would have them worded. b/c the wording simply doesn't give it the correct feel for the rythem. i'm not helping am i? lol. no i don't think i am, but at least i gave you something to chew on. and thatnks for the comments on my stuff, it is truly appriciated.

-Kate


"I have no other but a woman's reason:
I think him so, because I think him so."

Derek
Junior Member
since 2007-10-20
Posts 38
New Hampshire, USA
10 posted 2007-12-01 06:55 PM


it helped. thanks.
RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062
In Love <3
11 posted 2007-12-10 04:37 PM


oh! i'm glad! i hope to read the new copy when you're done. i'll be looking.

-Kate


"I have no other but a woman's reason:
I think him so, because I think him so."

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