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Teen Poetry #8
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Kelsi
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Kelsi |
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Derek Junior Member
since 2007-10-20
Posts 38New Hampshire, USA |
This is a quick little poem that I wrote of my ex-girlfriend, she broke up with me about four months ago, but the relationship only lasted one month. I dont have feelings for her anymore, but I never go a day without thinking of her, its just something about her. "Kelsi is a name, that's in my past. T'was a game, that ended so fast. Kelsi is a name, of something that's gone. Kelsi is a memory, that stays far too long." The second stanza was suppost to be the ending, I want to fill it in more between the stanza's, but I am just drawing a blank. |
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| © Copyright 2007 Derek - All Rights Reserved | |||
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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
aww that happens to me sometimes- and i must say, it's nice to see a fellow old english lover here. lol. it adds a certain suprise element to it. -Kate ps, the first stanza is a bit shaky, i would look over it and see if there is anything you can do to help it- the idea is there, it's just slightly raw. but love the idea, been there before. it gets better.
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BrittanyJ Member
since 2007-06-03
Posts 461Come find me? |
Yes, i've had this feeling before. And as Red said, it does get better. Anyways, nicely written  So no more hiding all your pain, you deserve a new start. That's why i'm closing myself away, this is a message from your heart. |
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Derek Junior Member
since 2007-10-20
Posts 38New Hampshire, USA |
aww man, I thought the first stanza was pretty good. Do you have any suggestions on how to make it better? |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
"Kelsi is a name, that's in my past. T'was a game, that ended so fast. I do like the fisrt stanza but The T'was word kinda throws the flow off a bit I think if you found a different word or set of words it would flow better but you dont have to... Just a suggestion..  Krysti |
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RevengeIsMine Senior Member
since 2006-07-08
Posts 820Australia |
i think it has loads of potential but try this its just my opinion so o offense will be taken if u don't like it "Kelsi is a name, that shall remain in my past. It was all a game, that ended way too fast. Kelsi is a name, of something that's gone. Kelsi is a memory, that stayed for far too long." |
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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
i think your syllable count is off, you can knock off some or add some, but it just doesn't quite fit that "awe" factor yet. "I have no other but a woman's reason: I think him so, because I think him so." |
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Derek Junior Member
since 2007-10-20
Posts 38New Hampshire, USA |
what do you mean? should every other line have the same amount of syllables? |
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Derek Junior Member
since 2007-10-20
Posts 38New Hampshire, USA |
can anyone please answer that question? |
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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
umm, well it's not really an exact science derek, it's something that you have to feel out, it is the resonance of the poem, the wow factor when you read it aloud and say woah, this is right on. it deals with not only syllables, but also the sounds of letters, it's complicated, you get it sometimes, and other times you don't. i know i'm there sometimes. sometimes it doesn't let you express things they way you would have them worded. b/c the wording simply doesn't give it the correct feel for the rythem. i'm not helping am i? lol. no i don't think i am, but at least i gave you something to chew on. and thatnks for the comments on my stuff, it is truly appriciated. -Kate
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Derek Junior Member
since 2007-10-20
Posts 38New Hampshire, USA |
it helped. thanks. |
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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
oh! i'm glad! i hope to read the new copy when you're done. i'll be looking. -Kate
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