forgive me - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

penguingirl
New Member

since 2006-09-28

Posts 6

0 posted 2006-09-28 04:47 PM

forgive me
I sit in the dark
And remember how many people
That I have hurt just so I could see you
Can you forgive me
I lost a part of me when I was with you
I hated feeling like you hated me.
Can you forgive me.
Now that I am way from
I am now normal again.
So can you forgive

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2006-09-28 06:02 PM

Punctuation needed severly here!!!!

away from , what??(show us don't tell us)

Show a bit more rather than telling.

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

2 posted 2006-09-30 02:02 AM

Hi penguingirl,

I think you need to follow some of Rhia's suggestions in this poem for it is a little bit jumpy, err... it jumps around a bit, if you know what I mean?

I didn't dislike it but it made the poem hard to understand. Could you explain who you are asking to forgive you? It's a little bit hard for me to tell but it is late and that could be part of it...

Thanks for sharing, I look forward to your answer if you have the time

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->---

tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

3 posted 2006-09-30 04:23 AM

hey! well i also agree that this poem is a little jumpy but if you write anything like i do then i forgive you cause all my writing is an impulse on feelings i would love to read a revised copy of this poem because i can imagine what this means well at least how i translate it which i do kind of enjoy being able to put my own meaning to the poem.

Laura

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

4 posted 2006-09-30 06:31 PM

I actually disagree. I like that you didn't reveal to the reader what it was you wanted to be forgiven for. I was able to relate to the poem in my own way, even though both of us probably don't want to be forgiven for the same reason.
Overall though, nice job. I hope to read more from you soon!

~Alli~

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.