No Title Need Help With It Please :)

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rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

0 posted 2007-10-30 10:45 PM

ok so yeah this was written in two different times cuz i got writters block for a while and stopped then tried it again so its kinda written in two different formats. its not that good but just read it and tell me what you think. if u have any ideas of how i can make em better and make em into the same format then lemme know.

It’s lonely here with you
I don’t know what to do
If I said I didn’t love you
I’d be lying
Keeping up the fight, put on a strong face
But still just trying
To hold on to something that’s not there
Cause I know you never cared
I was so afraid to loose you
When you weren’t even mine
I guess that it was just a race against time
I didn’t think it’d hurt this much
The day I lost your touch
Your kiss and protection is all gone
I’ve gone without for far too long
You say to just get over you
Cause you don’t want to break my heart
But why would you care?
You don’t even love me anymore
Just let me hurt in silence
I’m not bothering anyone
I’ll put on the happy face
And then cry when the day is done
Just let me go my own way
Unless you want to take me back
Just let me cherish the happiness I had
And grieve over the love I now lack
I’ll get over you someday
But let me take my time
Let me find someone else to love
And heal the broken heart of mine

nevermore93
Member

since 2007-10-24

Posts 73

1 posted 2007-10-31 08:06 PM

good ideas. the rhyme sheme seemed too ordinary. Its no vivid enough. Work more on saying things with less words but more power. Draw in a reader's attnetion till the very last word is read.

rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

2 posted 2007-10-31 08:12 PM

thanx!!!! yea it helps...yea i know this one wasnt that good. but thanx a lot ...i just dont know how to fix this one up. it might be beyond help now ..idk

nevermore93
Member

since 2007-10-24

Posts 73

3 posted 2007-10-31 09:11 PM

can you read my poem soldire pls. tell me what you think. thanx

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

4 posted 2007-11-02 12:50 PM

Leah I love this... no not the best, but definately the best content, the words were my life

Krysti

moondogz
Member

since 2007-05-01

Posts 397
Great White North

5 posted 2007-11-02 01:07 AM

seems fine to me the way it is...you're in touch with your feelings and that's the most important thing.

rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

6 posted 2007-11-02 06:59 PM

to Krysti and moondogz: thanx!!!! yea i know its not my best work but yes i was in touch with my feelings then...in fact i wasnt entirely like focus because of it and i think thats y it turned out the way it did. but thanx again

prettypinkrebel
Member

since 2007-11-07

Posts 104

7 posted 2007-11-09 11:19 AM

Hey.. I kno exactally how u feel!It sucks!!! hope that it gets better!! going in
library

rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

8 posted 2007-11-09 06:50 PM

awwwwwwww thanx!!!! i feel honored.

If i had to choose between you and breathing, id use my last breath to say "I love you"

Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 8080
Realm of Supernatural

9 posted 2007-11-12 10:14 PM

Enjoyed

ARCTIC WIND

rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

10 posted 2007-11-14 12:59 PM

thank u

If i had to choose between you and breathing, id use my last breath to say "I love you"

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