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BrittanyJ
Member

since 2007-06-03

Posts 461
Come find me?

0 posted 2007-08-22 12:21 PM

I'm too empty inside,
To write anything down.
I'm lost in my own world,
Just waiting to be found.

I can't hear the people,
Who are calling out to me.
I've failed at this life,
By losing chances i couldn't see.

I shouldn't think about you,
It'll only take longer to heal.
But i guess that doesn't matter,
When the truth is, i can't feel.

But life must go on,
There's nothing i can do.
To stop my bleeding heart,
From loving the likes of you.

So here i am again,
Standing at your door.
Maybe i should turn away,
But i stand here as before.

Please just let me in,
I'll make everything right.
Cause if you leave me out here,
I'll fade into the night.

But maybe that's the best way,
For me to die inside.
At least i won't have to worry,
About being tortured by your lies.

So now as you stand at the door,
And close it in my face...
I wanted you to know,
That you've fallen from your grace.

So no more hiding all your pain, you deserve a new start. That's why i'm closing myself away, this is a message from your heart.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2007-08-22 03:53 PM

I really like this, just because I can really relate though in the first two stanzas the rythmn is off. It works but it feels that maybe a bit of tweaking could help. Try reading it out loud to yourself, cause some words to me didn't fit with the rest or through it off. Just minor comment about spelling , tourchered is spelled tortured. And maybe for the last line instead of 'your grace' maybe just from'grace'.

RhIa

dah1namedj0na
Junior Member

since 2007-08-19

Posts 19

2 posted 2007-08-22 09:29 PM

i liked the overall poem, but i would have to agree with Rhla that the flow of the poem doesn't really...well, flow.

"I shouldn't think about you,
It'll only take longer to heal.
But i guess that doesn't metter,
When the truth is, i can't feel."

you spelled "matter" as "metter" in the third line haha. But good job with the poem , i really like it.

BrittanyJ
Member

since 2007-06-03

Posts 461
Come find me?

3 posted 2007-08-22 10:02 PM

Thanks guys...i fixed the spelling mistakes.

So no more hiding all your pain, you deserve a new start. That's why i'm closing myself away, this is a message from your heart.

fallen_angel88
New Member

since 2007-08-21

Posts 1
Canada

4 posted 2007-08-23 07:43 PM

wow i really liked ur peom it touched me sounds like something i went threw. good job

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

5 posted 2007-08-23 09:33 PM

wow that reminded me of a couple of my pieces...lol it was very good and i can say honestly that i can relate not only to the depth but also to the writing style as well. can i ask a favor? will you check out fallen grace back on page 3?

BrittanyJ
Member

since 2007-06-03

Posts 461
Come find me?

6 posted 2007-08-23 10:42 PM

Sure thing Clockwork, and thanks for the comments fallen_angel

So no more hiding all your pain, you deserve a new start. That's why i'm closing myself away, this is a message from your heart.

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

7 posted 2007-08-25 11:44 AM

Wow, your poems alway have me going woah

really liked this...
Krysti

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