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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

0 posted 2007-07-21 12:56 PM

In the Cold of my Room

I’m laying still
On the outside
While I’m combating
Dark on the inside

In the cold of my room
Fighting demons real
Something that’s inside of me
Affecting how I feel

Two little sisters
Sleeping so still
While I’m wrestling the devil
Not taking his deal

Fighting on my side
Light real and true
Giving me confidence
And the ability to do

Scared as can be
But not giving in
Putting in everything
Against the Father of Sin

I’m laying still
On the outside
While I’m combating
Dark on the inside

"I thought I'd just mention in passing . . . I always wanted a Sparkly of my very own." -Jeremy The Crow

BrittanyJ
Member

since 2007-06-03

Posts 461
Come find me?

1 posted 2007-07-21 01:02 PM

"Scared as can be
But not giving in"

Wow, i liked this red

Nice write.

So no more hiding all your pain, you deserve a new start. That's why i'm closing myself away, this is a message from your heart.

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

2 posted 2007-07-21 01:13 PM

real expirence, real emotions- i'd hope it would turn out well.

"I thought I'd just mention in passing . . . I always wanted a Sparkly of my very own." -Jeremy The Crow

BrittanyJ
Member

since 2007-06-03

Posts 461
Come find me?

3 posted 2007-07-21 02:02 PM

I hear ya

There's just one thing i would change...the stanza, that you repeat after every one...i think it would be better if you just put it once in the beggining and then at the very end...just my opinion

So no more hiding all your pain, you deserve a new start. That's why i'm closing myself away, this is a message from your heart.

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

4 posted 2007-07-21 03:01 PM

i think i agree with you.

"I thought I'd just mention in passing . . . I always wanted a Sparkly of my very own." -Jeremy The Crow

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

5 posted 2007-07-21 06:07 PM

Fighting on my side
Light real and true
Giving me confidence
And the ability to do~

umm Woah I love this Red... amazing, yes i agree with the beg. and end with that stanza

hunnie.

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

surf_painter
Member

since 2007-04-10

Posts 434
Canada

6 posted 2007-07-21 08:29 PM

oh so well writin i loved it alot and i think you are getting so much better at the rhythm of your poems great job

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

7 posted 2007-07-21 09:55 PM

thanks surf, i'm tring real hard.

"I thought I'd just mention in passing . . . I always wanted a Sparkly of my very own." -Jeremy The Crow

sexykitten15
Junior Member

since 2007-07-22

Posts 34

8 posted 2007-07-22 02:47 AM

I think that is terrific..
ive never seen anything like it

Jezzika
Member

since 2005-01-05

Posts 154
work

9 posted 2007-07-22 01:20 PM

"I’m laying still
On the outside
While I’m combating
Dark on the inside"

I loved this stanza so often do we look totally chill on the outside and on the inside we are fighting a battle...
I really liked this one

One trillion dollars could buy a heart a soul ~ Anti-Flag

pen&paper
Senior Member

since 2006-06-06

Posts 513

10 posted 2007-08-14 06:17 PM

"In the cold of my room
Fighting demons real"

THese were my FAVE lines. I can so relate. totally loved!

Rerra

bekahlekah45
Senior Member

since 2006-03-14

Posts 533

11 posted 2007-08-24 09:55 AM

Hey I really like this--I like the rhythym- which was pretty consistent throughout the whole poem, its good that you can maintain it. I like how you worded different things, for instance- father of sin, instead of like satan or something along those lines.
Anyhow I think this was very well written, thanks for sharing!

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius

since 2000-10-09

Posts 13989

12 posted 2007-08-24 02:00 PM

This flowed smoothly. Nicely done.

Tango
New Member

since 2007-09-07

Posts 6
USA, California

13 posted 2007-09-07 05:55 PM

I agree with Jezzika. Sometimes we're so calm to the eye but we are really struggling with emotion.

Verg
Member

since 2007-10-25

Posts 52
Colorado

14 posted 2007-10-26 09:28 PM

I love it I love all of your poems

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