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2islander2
Member Ascendant

since 2008-03-12

Posts 6825
by the sea

0 posted 2009-01-15 04:43 PM

The night of July 11 th 1988,
not far from Lansargues
in the South of France,
my solitude watched a bullfight.
Around midnight,
I drove back to the campsite,
the head clouded by difficult memories.
Crossing a little village,
I read its name : MORT,
I see still sharply the four letters on the board.
I was surprised but continued
my road,
3 kilometres farther,
I slept while driving.
Reopening my eyes
I avoided
going straight into a plane tree…

My car all flattened
was lying in the ditch,
I went out terrorized.
People stopped by the accident.
I spent the night in the hospital of Lunel.
The next morning,
I read in a medical office
some name with the mention:
died on July 11th .
it was my date of birth
Since then I care about
extraordinary signs.
If you read MORT somewhere
pay attention,
stop right now what you do.

[This message has been edited by 2islander2 (01-16-2009 12:33 PM).]

ken206573
Member

since 2008-10-14

Posts 487

1 posted 2009-01-15 04:46 PM

i was fascinated by your poem. especially since my grandmother on my father side died when i was born.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

2 posted 2009-01-15 04:48 PM

well it certainly makes you pause and think...

Bill Charles
Member Patricius

since 2000-07-11

Posts 10619
highways, & byways, for now

3 posted 2009-01-15 05:15 PM

2islander2 - a most interesting write...

BC

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

4 posted 2009-01-15 07:00 PM

Dear Yann, you had me spellbound with this one. A village called DEATH is disquieting no doubt. I would say that your Angel did a good job against the odds.
No doubt, there are extraordinary signs and we better read and interprete them well!

Whewww!

Love,
Margherita

secondhanddreampoet
Member Ascendant

since 2006-11-07

Posts 6394
a 'Universalist' !

5 posted 2009-01-15 08:21 PM

interesting indeed!

Marchmadness
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 9271
So. El Monte, California

6 posted 2009-01-15 11:08 PM

A facinating poem, yann, most interesting.
My oldest granddaughter's birthday is July 11th.
Ida Werrett

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

7 posted 2009-01-16 12:08 PM

Hi!  This has the potential to be an extraordinary poem that needs a little more thought.  Look at the first lines:

"One night of July 1988,
not far from Lansargues
in the South of France,"

There is a beautiful specificity in establishing the locale.  Why not give a specific date? "One night" of itself means nor adds anything.  You could give the line some import, or drop it altogether.

"my solitude watched a bullfight…."

A silly line.  If there was a bullfight, I doubt that you watched it alone, and I further doubt that "solitude" is capable of watchng anything.  Solitude is a state of "being," not a state of observation.

"Around midnight,
I drove back to the campsite,
the head clouded by difficult memories…"

Why not continue to personalize this? "my" campsite, "my" head?  It's the choice of every "little" word like this which brings an image to life.

"Crossing a little village,
I read its name : MORT,
I see still sharply the four letters on the board…"

Ah!  Now you are getting into a poem.  What does "I see still sharply the four letters on the board…" add to anything, though?  It's rambling.

"I was surprised but continued
my road,"

Look to the logic withing the poetic context here.

"I slept while driving."

Grand and specific.

"reopening my eyes"

Could be, Reopening my eyes, new sentence with a capital.

"I violently turned the wheel
and avoided at the ultimate second
to go straight into a plane tree…"

Here, it's just sloppy grammar. The inversion of "I violently turned the wheel" from something like Violently, I turned the wheel"  or "I turned the wheel violently," is forced, and it could be simply "going straight into a plane tree."  Mine isn't a great clean-up, but there is indeed drama in the lines to be brought out.

My car all flattened
was lying in the ditch,

This gets a period, not a comma.

"I went out terrorized
whereas people stopped
near the accident…"

Why not say what you are saying.  It's two fine sentences:  "I went out terrorized. People stopped by the accident."

"I spent the night in the hospital of Lunel…"

What's with the ...'s Do you expect someone to fill in the blanks?

"The next morning,
I read in a medical office
some name with the mention:
died on July 11th
it was my date of birth."

Here, you have a real opportunity!  It doesen't hurt to say July 11 in line one.  Makes it all magical as you elaborate next.

"and the day was July 11th…."  Repetitive and not holding the power you intend.

"Henceforth I care about"

You can't do that.  Since the poem is in the narrative, grammar counts.  What you want to say is "Since then I care about."  Simple is fine.

"extraordinary signs
which I does not understand."

C'mon.  It's not about signs which you "does" not understand, atrocious
grammar, it's about paying attention to extraordinary signs.  You don't need the second line at all.

"If you read MORT somewhere
stop right now what you do."

Great lines, needs a kicker of a line for an ending.

I'm sorry to have gone on at length about your poem, but I found it full of possibilities.  This is good.

Best, Jimbeaux

2islander2
Member Ascendant

since 2008-03-12

Posts 6825
by the sea

8 posted 2009-01-16 02:21 AM

Hi Jimbeaux, you must have taken so much time to comment...You can't imagine how grateful I am....Your help was so precious and I'm glad you made this attentionate comment...

have a great day

yann

2islander2
Member Ascendant

since 2008-03-12

Posts 6825
by the sea

9 posted 2009-01-16 02:24 AM

Hi Ida, thank you for the kind comments, from now I will think specially of the july 11th...

yann

2islander2
Member Ascendant

since 2008-03-12

Posts 6825
by the sea

10 posted 2009-01-16 02:24 AM

Thank you Bruce for passing

yann

2islander2
Member Ascendant

since 2008-03-12

Posts 6825
by the sea

11 posted 2009-01-16 02:26 AM

Thank you Margherita for the recognition of extraordinary signs...

have a sweet day

yann

2islander2
Member Ascendant

since 2008-03-12

Posts 6825
by the sea

12 posted 2009-01-16 02:26 AM

Thanks Bill.

yann

2islander2
Member Ascendant

since 2008-03-12

Posts 6825
by the sea

13 posted 2009-01-16 02:27 AM

Thanks a lot SEA for passing

yann

2islander2
Member Ascendant

since 2008-03-12

Posts 6825
by the sea

14 posted 2009-01-16 02:28 AM

Ken I was touched bu your comment and the vivid memory of you grandmother...

thanks
a lot.

yann

sarah 45
Member

since 2008-12-19

Posts 54

15 posted 2009-01-16 10:54 AM

wow, that's a very interesting poem, 1 that drives you to think 4 real, enjoyed it and thank God UR ok so you could give us such a fine work
T.C

2islander2
Member Ascendant

since 2008-03-12

Posts 6825
by the sea

16 posted 2009-01-16 11:47 AM

Thank you Sarah for the kind comment, you said essential things and I'm touched.

have a nice day

yann

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

17 posted 2009-01-16 07:04 PM

Nice...I too slept while driving one time and awoke in a hospital...my car was totaled but I was fine...James

2islander2
Member Ascendant

since 2008-03-12

Posts 6825
by the sea

18 posted 2009-01-17 02:00 AM

Hi James, this is a very questionning experience that shows the fragility of our lives and perhaps some destiny...I was in hospital too; the car was totally destroyed and my brother came from Toulouse to take me home...I had no injuries..I didn't touched a wheel during a few months.... I hope you had not been hurt by this accident...

regards

yann

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