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JesseJard
New Member

since 2009-04-11

Posts 3

0 posted 2009-04-11 11:20 PM

I love it when our feet are off the ground,
When love is defying the gravity around.
When love is traveling too fast to see,
When it surrounds you and surrounds me.

I love it when your eyes change with the season,
When our love needs no reason.
When were following each other through the dark
And in my heart, you place a mark.

When the dream shakes the walls of our home,
When we don't care who's more accident prone.
When I fell off the cloud and into your life
I found that I felt no strife.

I love it when your eyes change with the season,
When our love needs no reason.
When were following each other through the dark
And in my heart, you place a mark.

I hate it when our spirits are dry,
I hate the fact we need to try.
When i hit my head upon the floor,
you did nothing but shut the door.

I love it when your eyes change with the season,
When our love needs no reason.
When were following each other through the dark
And in my heart, you place a mark.

PLEASE COMMENT AND GIVE ME SOME CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISCM!

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2009-04-11 11:26 PM

welcome to Pip

the hate stanza really doesn't fit or flow with the rest of the poem for me...

but the rest of it, I really liked

JesseJard
New Member

since 2009-04-11

Posts 3

2 posted 2009-04-11 11:54 PM

i know what you mean.... i tried to make a smooth transition to the relationship ending. let me rewrite that stanza

JesseJard
New Member

since 2009-04-11

Posts 3

3 posted 2009-04-11 11:58 PM

I love it when our feet are off the ground,
When love is defying the gravity around.
When love is traveling too fast to see,
When it surrounds you and surrounds me.

I love it when your eyes change with the season,
When our love needs no reason.
When were following each other through the dark
And in my heart, you place a mark.

When the dream shakes the walls of our home,
When we don't care who's more accident prone.
When I fell off the cloud and into your life
I found that I felt no strife.

I love it when your eyes change with the season,
When our love needs no reason.
When were following each other through the dark
And in my heart, you place a mark.

I love it when our hearts are rapidly beating
When i can't stop thinking about you at a business meeting
I love the fact that we are together as one.
I love the fact that this relationship is not done.

I love it when your eyes change with the season,
When our love needs no reason.
When were following each other through the dark
And in my heart, you place a mark.
Better?

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

4 posted 2009-04-12 09:41 AM

I agree with SEA's comments and suggestion.
~ and I agree with the changes that you made!

~ "I love it"!

Giving you a warm, welcoming pip hug,

EA

ethome
Member Patricius

since 2000-05-14

Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada

5 posted 2009-04-12 11:11 AM

Being an old songwriter but definitely no expert, I'd have to say there's too many 'whens'.
While repetition is always very beneficial sometimes it can weary the reader/listener.

I commented because this is in somewhat of a song format.

However, I am wrong a lot of the time.

Great material to work with in the context.

MHO

Eric

Bill Charles
Member Patricius

since 2000-07-11

Posts 10619
highways, & byways, for now

6 posted 2009-04-12 01:08 PM

JesseJard - I believe the poem could be re-arranged to make it more meaningful. I can see what you are tring to convey, but it's a little to jumpy. Also, the hate stanza seems to be out of place. Just my opinion...

BC

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