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Amidst the Sacred Groves
| Open Poetry #44 |
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Amidst the Sacred Groves |
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Suncleaver Member
since 2009-01-18
Posts 481Stafford England 
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 Here amidst the sacred groves The fir trees whisper words Of songs of old, of poetry Their voices can be heard. Upon one zephyr breath of wind is borne a lover's sigh, The next may be a howling blast bearing an anguished cry Devotion, woe, polemic wrath, A hail of angel’s tears, The ecstasy of true love’s joy And all of mankind’s fears. Beneath the canopy I lay to their bittersweet song, Where day is bright and laughter reigns And night’s terror is long. Never sigh for a better world, it's already composed, played and told. |
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| © Copyright 2009 Luke Doubtfire - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Anniepimm Senior Member
since 2008-12-26
Posts 550England |
Ohhh Wonderful imagery i liked this it brought out the perfect way trees act |
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LindsayP Member Elite
since 2007-07-28
Posts 3410Australia, Victoria |
That is an interesting and enjoyable poem Suncleaver, you wrote it well. Lindsay |
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Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
Loved the photo! ~ And poem!  ARCTIC WIND |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
Enjoyed, Suncleaver. Ida |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
This is well written and gentle on the ear, but rather bland. I think the problems for me are threefold. Firstly, many of the phrases you've used are already very familiar, for instance "sacred groves", trees whispering, "songs of old", "zephyr breath", "howling blast", "anguished cry", "angel's tears", "true love", "night's terror". Maybe one or two would've been ok, but taken together it makes me feel like I've read your poem a hundred times before. Secondly (a related point), you've modified so many of your nouns with adjectives that much of the momentum and force of those nouns is lost. They seem to me to be submerged in an ocean of over-poetical language. The groves are sacred, the songs old, the breath zephyr, the blast howling, the cry anguished, the song bittersweet. Thirdly, the poem is perhaps too weighed down by the abstract in what feels to me should be a very sensory experience. Here we have the poet lying under a some beautiful trees experiencing all sorts of emotion and yet I can't really SEE the picture. Such lines as "Devotion, woe, polemic wrath" really don't convey anything much because they are simply a string of abstract words. I am certain the poem would be stronger if it incorporated more sensory images which SHOWED us what the poet was feeling, rather than simply telling us about joy, and fear and terror. I hope this helps, as always it's jmo, and I am often wrong . |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
"Where day is bright and laughter reigns And night’s terror is long." ~ May your nights be as joyful as your days! A lovely poem, Dear Luke!  Sweet dreams! Love & warm hug, Linda  |
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A Romantic Heart Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-03
Posts 5496Forever In Your Heart |
You know, Pine trees (As we call them from the south) are my favorite tree, for they remain, forever green, never changing. Just as love should be, forever! next time, let me know when you are going to lay there and stare gaze under those trees....  ~Warm Hugs ~ARH |
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Suncleaver Member
since 2009-01-18
Posts 481Stafford England |
Moonbeam: I thank you for your constructive criticism. Usually my poems are tragic love stories and I was trying to break out of that mould. Dear Heart: There is one who lays with me and shares every joy of day and every terror of night. But your heart will always be with me in spirit. Linda: I knew I could count on you for some support. You have been a great supporter of my work as well as an inspiration for me and have helped me gather the strength and confidence to re-enroll at university for a first honours degree in creative writing starting this september. I thought I would live in the shadows forever, but my friends at PiP especially you Linda, Bobby, Bill, Emily, Julianna, Zach and A Romantic Heart, who I regret deeply to say that I have not learned her true name have given me the strength and confidence to leave the shadows of my past behind and begin to start life afresh. Much love to my dear friends, from Luke. Never sigh for a better world, it's already composed, played and told. |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
"Here amidst the sacred groves The fir trees whisper words Of songs of old, of poetry Their voices can be heard." I just love this, makes me miss the Redwoods I grew up around. |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Yo Luke, This works fairly well. Are those hemlock trees? If they are, that puts me in mind of a little town in PA, called "Shades of Death" because of the hemlock trees. "Shades of Death" is in shade valley, near Burnt Cabins, which was named after an Indian massacre. Bobby |
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Suncleaver Member
since 2009-01-18
Posts 481Stafford England |
Hey Bobby and Sea. I'm pleased that they remind you of your childhood SEA and I hope they bring you some pleasant memories and comfort. Thanks Bobby, it's been a while since you commented on my poems. Perhaps you're not so keen on the tragic love ones, eh? Although I don't much like the idea of an indian massacre, in fact it fills me with disgust and shame. Never sigh for a better world, it's already composed, played and told. |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
quote: I love those sacred groves and I love to lie under trees and daydream. I find your poem very captivating, dear Luke. And for sure the quoted words are very original! Love, Margherita |
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unboundpoetess Member
since 2008-05-24
Posts 477 |
This was very enchanting. I can smell the green of the groves and feel the weight of the ages. H |
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