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Open Poetry #44
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gdcod2player
Member
since 2008-07-26
Posts 117


0 posted 2009-03-12 10:57 AM



Life is ran by corporations
So many scams and lies
Let’s go and look to see what’s left
I don’t think I have much more
The heart I had is leaving me
Life can’t be fair

How much can I have left?
A wallet full of nothing
Establishments have gone away
How can we live with the burden of what’s next?
We feel the pain he has left behind
The blinded home
He has no shame

(not happy with it)
i really havent felt like i have been doing my best it bothers me =( i havent had the same motivation as i had in the past.
I just want to know what you all think and feel about what i write so i can become a better writer
thank you
-jared

© Copyright 2009 gdcod2player - All Rights Reserved
passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
1 posted 2009-03-12 10:59 AM


Jared, we all lose motivation and inspiration at times

it comes back

Juju
Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429
In your dreams
2 posted 2009-03-12 01:13 PM


I would start playing with the words or introducing meter.  I would be careful though to maintain flow in a poem.  with out flow a poem becomes quite hard to read.  Another tip is to show not tell.  Try to trigger emotions by using images.  Further lots and lots of practice.  It doesn't come over night with most of us. Also be honest, so honest it hurts.  

Juju

-Juju

-"So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts " Silent all these Years, Tori Amos

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