Journal Entries #1 and 2 - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member

since 2002-05-22

Posts 1667
New York

0 posted 2003-04-29 01:25 PM

April 28th, 2003
Life Journal entry #1
Today, the sun shone brightly above the earth, with radiance. Casting shadows across the plains and mountains. Beauty flooded the world around me. Light filled this hollow world with out ado, it was just there, unasked for. The simpleness of this beauty entangles my mind. A 5 yr. could answer this simpleness with ease. No worries in the child's mind to keep them from thinking the innocent of the guilty.

I tried to act casual, and hold my cool throughout the day. My eyes brimmed with tears throughout. It's crazy and foolish I tried to convince myself. It just kept coming. I tried to hold on to what I had left, it just didn't seem to stay with me though. The tears had fallen down my cheeks by 6th period. I want so badly to talk to someone, anyone who would understand, with out judging me. There are only so many things to reveal before I cannot open my mouth any longer. I want someone to pry those hidden things out of me. I NEED to talk about them, I want to talk about them. I'm running out of time, and energy.
-Why-
How come I'm silent, when it comes to you.
Why do I cry, endlessly,
for the love I know you can't give to me.
How come this is happening, to me.
Why do I cry, repeatedly ,
for the solitude of your love.
How can it be that I am me, and that you are well you?
Why do I cry, over again,
for the simple hug yearn for.
Why do you leave me here,
to soak my words,
and run out of time.
Don't
Leave me
Here.

This is a simple poem, with a meaning not of love but the lack of the strength I need to carry one. The poem isn't a symbol of love. It is to symbolize that all I need is someone to talk to and maybe a hug. But who is here to listen? I am going on and on again. I am trying not to reveal anything. But I want to let these things out. Please spend some time to talk to me and take the time to listen, don't judge me or I will jump. The cliff, I am standing on, I am near the edge, near enough to jump.

Nothing right now could save me from the engulfing pain that I suffer from. The anxiety in my head crushing me. Engulfing me with bad thoughts of hopelessness. The only thing I fear is "Me", I cannot change the past, and the future isn't looking bright. But why? Why me? I'll never understand this. How all of a sudden things are not alright. They never were. I have gotten so good a playing pretend. It comes naturally. Here I am shattered and beaten to the ground. I run for your shelter your kindness, your words of comfort and wisdom. As I hide, scared, shaking with fear. Mindlessly my thoughts wander, truly, when will it be that I can live not in fear of me? What is it that I do, to make myself hurt so bad. Why?
April 29th, 2003
Life Journal entry #2

Morning, everything around me is dark. My attitude, is causing this darkness to cave in. Allowing it to put its hands upon my shoulders and push me down. Letting my thoughts take me captive. Sunlight enters my eyes from the uncovered window. Silence, a painful quiet that doesn’t stop, like a runaway siren lost in the night. I’m in pain, holding all of it in. It’s so hard, I want to break down and cry. Everything keeps repeating itself, like history. These thoughts and feelings keep reoccuring. I should be smarter than this. I know all about this. I am not who I am, or who I think I am. I am not who I am supposed to represent. God, doesn’t want this for me. I am allowing myself to fall, I need him, to lift me up again. I am a light house, to shine his love to all his people. I am a light house.

the ledge

open air surrounds me,
the edge is near.
the deep ocean pounds at the bottom,
50 ft. to plunge if I fall,
the fall to my death.

silence allows me to hear,
crashing of the waves.
A loud splash and such,
keeping me back.

holding me there,
up against the ledge.
leaving me there,
with a sudden fear.

the ledge, a powerful thing,
the only thing between me, and the ocean,
the only thing between me, and my death.
Here, i will give up and turn around.

turn back and say no,
I will not let you engulf me,
You cannot have me,
Leave me at the ledge.

I’ll never be the same again, I will change the history books. I will not let this statistic take me too. I cannot let them say they words. There is no pride in suicide, there is no game left to play. The fire is burning. I am with it. I am putting out the fire. Light the fire again. Light the fire again. Build it up in my heart, Lord, open the eyes of my heart. Open the eyes of my heart Lord, I want to see you.

-Me

Kamala
Member

since 2003-04-17

Posts 59
CA, USA

1 posted 2003-05-16 07:00 PM

Kellie,

It sounds like you're going through some intense stuff.  I wish I knew more specifically what.  I am sorry that you feel so alone and that you feel like there is no one around you to anchor you, to give you support, or to give you a hug.

If you still feel like you want/need to talk to someone, reply to me here.  Let me know what's going on.  I'll be the best ear for you that I can be through cyberspace.

In the meantime, don't let yourself go.  Sometimes, there's light on the other side of darkness that we can't foresee when we're in the depths of our despair.  And you have to hang in there until you reach it.  You're going to have to trust me on that one.

Yours Friend,
Kamala

teenpoet
Member

since 2001-10-17

Posts 280
Michigan

2 posted 2003-05-20 10:43 AM

Sweetheart let me say this to you-it just isn't the way to go. When you hurt so much like that it just isn't right to give up. it is incredibly cowardly to do that as a besides. At least-that's what I've tried to convince myself every time I think of that. I may not beable to hear your voice, see your face, hug you or anything else involving the five senses but I can reply to you and support you. i know it's not much but sometimes it's all it takes.

I don't know if today is a good day, or if yesterday was, or if tomorrow will be, but I'd like to think so.

Kamala
Member

since 2003-04-17

Posts 59
CA, USA

3 posted 2003-05-20 01:34 PM

Kellie,

Are you still out there? I think you've got a couple of people here who are concerned about you. Let us know how you're doing.

Love,
Kamala

Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member

since 2002-05-22

Posts 1667
New York

4 posted 2003-05-24 03:01 PM

In a literal sense, I am doing great. Tried but Good. Annoyed but satisfied

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.