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Saxoness

Senior Member

since 1999-07-18

Posts 1102
Texas

0 posted 2002-12-28 05:04 PM

Ok,

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to bring this up in, but I've got a problem right now.

Several weeks ago, my boyfriend informed me that he was worried that he was more attracted to my friends than he was to me. I was very hurt and dissapointed in this, and being as that my two closest friends are both 5'8 and 5'9, thin, and do a little modeling on the side, where as I am short, and rather overweight, it didn't do much for my self esteem to hear this from my own boyfriend. Anyway, we talked about it, and I thought that maybe I had blown the issue out of proportion, but today I brought it up again, and unfortunately, after we've been dating for a month today, he still feels the same way. I'm not sure what to do...am I treating myself with less respect by staying with him despite his roving psyche, or do I try and work through it and see what happens? My biggest problem is that I'm finding it near impossible to put any trust into him or the relationship because of this, not to mention that it's making me feel terrible! I have problems enough with self esteem without feeling like my own boyfriend is shopping around, with my friends in mind, no less! I'm just really hurt right now, and confused. I need some advice. *sighs*

"Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone
I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me."

neveah5
Member

since 2002-11-22

Posts 197
Ohio

1 posted 2002-12-28 05:28 PM

I know how it feels to have low self esteem. Mine is pretty extreme, at times worse than others...i've never been with a guy that actually said to me that he was more attracted to my friends than me, i've felt that they have been though. It made me feel bad enough to think it, let alone have the guy actually admit to it. If you stay with him you will probably continue to feel down and will definately not help your self esteem because just the knowing will tear you apart. If you end the relationship now, there will be less heartache since its been only a month. On the other hand, if you do end it now, you will probably always wonder and have the "what if's". Tough situation to be in..if it were me, the whole thing would tear at me until it really screwed the relationship up in the end and i'd be worse off afterwards. but thats just me. good luck though..let me know what happens

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

2 posted 2002-12-29 04:13 PM

Saxoness,

I can understand your being hurt, yet I think you are fortunate in having someone who is attempting to be honest about his attraction to your friends. Maybe he is trying to let you know that he doesn't really want to be your boyfriend? If that is the case, let him go, no matter how much it hurts now, for it will only hurt more the longer you hold out hope for the relationship and the stronger that your feelings become for him.

As for self esteem, that seems to be the thing that you have to deal with primarily. You have to settle that issue before you can have truly healthy relationships with others. If there are things about yourself that you don't like that may be contributing to your low self esteem and that you can change, you may want to consider changing them. None of us can do anything about our height, but most of us can do something about our weight, although that can be a difficult task, I know.

I have been battling a weight problem my entire adult life, especially since my early to mid thirties. I have been diagnosed as gluclose intolerant (borderline diabetic), which runs in my family. A very slow metabolism also runs in my family. Whether that is related to the gluclose intolerance, I have no idea. My caloric requirement is extremely minimal and seems to decrease with age. One day I may be that little old lady who is able to survive on a cup of tea and a tea biscuit daily! (perish the thought, as I love food!)

I always feel better about myself, in general, when I shed the extra pounds, not that I abhor myself when the scale goes up, but I do have a better sense of myself when I am on the lighter side. My friends and loved ones accept me, though, no matter my weight, just as I accept and love others no matter their weight, as it should be.

I've tried many diets regimes. Currently I have had much success with Weight Watchers and their relatively new Points System. You count point values to servings of foods which is a bit easier than counting calories, but it is basically the same principle. In addition, due to my slow metabolism, I have to walk briskly 4+ miles per day to see results of a meager weight loss of 1-1.5 pounds per week. It's not always easy but the alternative is that I will get heavier and heavier as I get older. I also don't care to be so conscious of everything I eat, but if I'm not, I can easily eat just a little over my daily requirement and slowly gain weight without noticing.

Ideally, our self esteem shouldn't be so wrapped up in our self image, but I've never met anyone yet who isn't affected to some extent in that department, especially people who struggle with a weight issue.

In any event, you need to surround yourself with people who love and accept you just as you are and who also encourage you in any attempts at self-improvement. You also need to, in my opinion, reserve your romantic affections for someone who is genuinely and unreservedly interested in YOU, as a total person, and not settle for anything less.

gemjop
Member Elite

since 2002-11-18

Posts 2587
Pencilveinia, USA

3 posted 2002-12-31 10:01 AM

i think you know the answer.you say its making you feel terrible. in fact its him thats making you feel terrible, when theres no need for it at all. you're a beautiful girl, inside and out. you know you deserve better. and you really do. never settle for something that doesnt make you feel happy. kepp looking for it. i believe we all have the ability to find it if we just respect ourselves and others. you just seem too lovely to be worrying, and putting up with all of this. good luck hun.
lots of love , gemma xxxxxx

learning each day, for you and i, our paths have met, i've already learnt that you are love.

Alwye

Moderator

Member Elite

since 1999-06-16

Posts 3850
In the space between moments

4 posted 2003-01-05 09:55 PM

I think that anyone that is making you feel terrible is not good for you. I was in a relationship where my boyfriend actually was cheating on me with my friends....I refused to believe it for a long time, but all the evidence was there. When I finally got out of the relationship, I was a wreck. Since then I've gathered a ton of self esteem and I have a wonderful guy now who I've been with for 2 1/2 years. I say you get rid of your bf and make room for the wonderful guy out there for you. Don't cause yourself anymore heartache. Good luck to you.

*Krista Knutson*

"If we have no peace, it is because we've forgotten that we belong to each other." ~Mother Teresa

[This message has been edited by Alwye (01-05-2003 09:56 PM).]

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