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Am I missing life or in limbo?
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Am I missing life or in limbo? |
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graeshine2006 Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368The Prairie Lands, USA 
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12:30AM. I can't sleep. Lately, I've been wondering, am I missing out on life? I'm going through the motions - work, play, kids, family, it's all there - but where is the true joy. I had a very unwanted divorce after some rather abrupt, unexpected news about my husband lying to me for years. It's been 20 months since I lived with this man. This October would have been our 15 year anniversary. Everything is settled in court, the kids have adjusted, he has had a girlfriend for a 14 months (or so.) The first year, I call the year I couldn't breathe. Lost 35 lbs in three months, and cried so much that at work, we had a code name for my red eyes: "allergies," if I were to see a client. I am on anti-depressants and extremely knowledgeable abd responsible about depression. I am seeing a therapist once a week and have been for four months. I am semi-intelligent, semi-good looking, and have a very supportive family. I'm told it's all part of the grieving process. I loved having a family; husband, kids, white picket fence, the whole schmeel! I am the type of person that appreciates the things I love, at the time I'm loving them. So, what the heck is wrong with me and why can't I just move on???? Sorry so long - but you all have been so nice on here, are obviously sensitive, may have been through some of these emotions, and I just thought it time to ask some others that may understand. Is the fact that I'm questioning this a good sign? Thanks in advance if you even took the time to read this booklet! |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Um, I think in the first parapgraph you said you still have the kids, the family, the work, there's more I just can't remember, but what was missing was "true joy". Would that be the male plastic figure in the little doll house? pshaw...if y'don't mind me sayin' so. You already had it all together--and you still do, and now, you have the idea of some "strange" (let's just call that "new adventure"--chuckle) and live a life less...ordinary. Here--I, serenity blaze, do hereby grant you permission to remember what dreams you had before you dreamt of a perfect family life, and go forth and explore them. (There's no such thing as a perfect family--there's only family perfected.) So...breathe in...breathe out. You are doing just fine. REALLY!  |
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graeshine2006 Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368The Prairie Lands, USA |
Lol... that reply made me laugh.... and think. In ways I have enjoyed this singleness. I've dated TONS more than I ever have. As a matter of fact, I really didn't date much before my marriage. And I'm rather proud that I've dated younger men, older men, interesting men, and believe it or not (big open wide eyes) some dawgs! It's been a real learning experience. I've met some good friends through this. This feeling of ????????? unease/ lonliness ?????? is much stronger when I have the kids. Does that make any sense? Serenity, thanks... I do want to find "Ken" some day and I worry that I won't but really, I think it's more the "new adventure" attitude that I'm missing. Any other thoughts???? |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
Serentiy summed it up nicely.. uhmm.. im trying to think of something to add.. ughh.. lol.. Like she said Its just another adventure. Yes this adventure has a few bumbs in the road but just press down on the gass and drive right over it!!!.. Easier said then done but you'll be helping yourself more and helping your family, friends, co-workers, ext. ext. I only know about this because of my mom went through this whole stage... *phew!* what a ride that was!!! lol I pray you get better and that this "adventure" will be close to its end.. Have a great day!! ~Zach~ "It might be easy to fall for someone but it's also easy to break a heart." - Zach Booker. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
If anyone can lay it on the line, it's our serenity. She's had her share of adventures, sad times, good times, and some really mind-blowing explorations that she's never hesitant to share! A long time ago, as you know, I too went through a divorce. I had a lot to lose - a wonderful extended family - but yet things weren't right. I never though I would remarry - I just knew I had to get out of what I considered a bad situation for me and my babies, personally. That divorce was like a "little death". The people were still here - but the situation was another plane of life so entirely different. It took a lot of adjusting, and yes, I went through my own source of depression - I think it's natural with grieving - but one day you wake up and really know what your blessings are. Healthy kids. Good job. Self-preservation and you literally kick the pills away [sometimes with the help of a good physician who knows if you can just stop - or wean off]. But I know the only way I improved my lot in life was to be able to talk about the pain [as you are doing] and listen to those who had been through the same, and came out on top, as survivors. I don't think it's the loss of a husband that hurts as much as the lies that he served you for so many years, you can't believe you fell for all of them. And from this point on - you won't fall for anyone's lies. You'll pick up a fine trigger point of knowing the truth from the fabrication. And honey - you'll always have someplace safe to land.  |
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graeshine2006 Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368The Prairie Lands, USA |
Zach - thanks so much. It means so much to me coming from someone who has been through this "ride" from the other side of the carousel (sp?). I worry what I have done to my kids sometimes.... started the therapy fund and everything! I jest about that, but I think it is a parents concerns how their life has affected their childrens. I'd love to hear about more of it from your point of view or if I can do anything else for my kids. |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
Uhmm well I can give you point of persepctives as a child.. well from my 3 other brothers point of view... John: Oldest *21 yrs old now*, Firm, strong, most like my father.. He after a while got tired of my mom acting this way.. little did he know it wasn't an "act" And he got into fight's.. did different types of drugs.. had bad friends.. but after he moved out he turned ot God and now e's a full-fledge *spelling error?* Christan.. And he's doing much better now.. Zach: ME!! *15 years old* lol I help my mom as best as i could to make her happy.. Like clean the house, do chores, and pratically work and comfort my mom. And talk to her when she didn't really wanted to but it helped her. But is still dealing with the stuggle of my abusive father. Josh: *11 years old* The quiet one, Barely speaks but he cares alot.. Easily bossed around but he'll do it without complaining. He would help me around the house too if he wasn't playing video games.. lol William: *Same as josh* The stubburn baby of the family. Both him and Josh are ferternal twins. And he would whine and complain all the time *still does.. grr...* But when he tryed to help, not the best of help, but it was the thought that counted... It all affected us.. I got mad at my Mom when she was dating all these guys I didn't like.. And all of them that I said were bad, Were acctally bad men.. not like criminals or anything just bad father for children... It hurts the children more then you think to see they're own mother cry and hurt and as the child feeling useless.. it hurt me the most.. being the helpful one.. But after years on dating sites my Mom found a, what they use to call, a bona fide man.. which is now my step father... We had to move.. houses to expensive where we use to live... so we moved to My step fathers home town.. It took alot out of me.. being th eoldest at the time and older bro' moved out of the house a year before.. so i had to take care of the twins.. now im consider the maid of the house since i do all the same work.. its tiring sometimes but its all worth while ot see my mom happy. =]. Hopefully I was of any help.. And I hope you and your children get better!! =] ~Zach~
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graeshine2006 Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368The Prairie Lands, USA |
Zach - thanks sweetie. I wish you the best with everything. You sound like a great kid, growing into a great man! The kids and I joke around and have a lot of fun. I'm told they are adjusting very well. They like their dad, and though their dad and I talk about nothing but the kids, they don't see us argue either. Part of this, I'm just hoping we did OK, part of this, I'm leaving up to God, knowing they are his children also and I've always respected that. Thanks Zach.... soooooo much. Deb |
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graeshine2006 Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368The Prairie Lands, USA |
And Zach - get out there and have fun and make some mistakes! That's what teenhood is for! |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
lol I got the whole summer vacation to be doing that!... and trust me I'm breaking out the list of funness and foolery!! lol *is thats even a word lol* Anyway. I'm glad your doing well. But yes I'm living life to the fulliest at the moment.. don't worry too much about me... lol ~Zach~
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
 .... uhmm.....i forgot to put that in my last messeage.... *sheepish grin* lol. Have a Great day!! ~Zach~
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Graeshine20006, Pardon me; Graeshine, you report going through the motions and everything being there ("it's all there-"). It's not clear to me if you have the feelings that go with these motions that you're making or not. You do report feeling worse when you have the kids for your scheduled time with them, so it sounds to me that you actually are having feelings and variations of them, and that you aren't simply feeling monochromatically bad. Were that the case, you might want to think about a medication review. But it sounds that you are having good effect from your medications and that you have a range of feelings about yourself, the people around you and the world in general. Is that true? If it is not true, and you have had a long trial on your current medication, discuss this with your doctor and see what she says. If it is true, the problem may be a bit different. It may lie in the contents of your worrying. What is it that worries you, and exactly how realistic are those worries. Where is the true joy? you ask yourself. Well, how often do you feel true joy before the divorce? how did you recognize it? If you're like most people, it wasn't very often. Frankly I can't say that I know anybody who spends even one percent of their time feeling true joy, and usuually it's a microscopic fraction of that, an experience of once or twice a year, if that? You might want to check around and ask people you know to see how frequently they experience true joy, and how they know they feel it, how they identify it. Feeling okay, fairly well or something along those lines are much more common. People who practice certain kinds of meditation that focus on compassion and similar sets of feelings for others may experience feelings closer to what you're talking about as true joy for extended periods of time, but were that the case, you wouldn't have been writing this note, I suspect. It sounds that your expectations for what you should be feeling may be out of line with what you're actually doing in life to help create the situations for these feelings to live within. Why can't you move on? Look around you. Are you still living in the same house? Do you still live with the same people for the same amount of time that you used to live with them? Is your schedule the same? Does your house look or smell the same? Do you have the same furniture? do you do the same laundry? Do you invite the same people to all the same parties for all the same reasons? I thought not. What do you mean, can't you move on? You have moved on! Otherwise none of these things would have changed, would they. The difference is that you're telling yourself a lie about it now (I haven't moved on. Nothing has changed. I'm still the same as I was.) and you're not bothering to confront the lie when you tell it. You wouldn't tolerate that sort of duplicity from your husband, why would you tolerate it from yourself? For years. And yes, the fact that you're questioning this is a very good thing. You have moved on. You simply have conspired with your depression not to notice. Now it's time to talk back to the depression and tell it the truth. Truth is useful. Do it with some compassion for yourself, though. It sounds as if you could use some of that along the way as well. Keep us all up to date. Best to you, BobK. |
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graeshine2006 Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368The Prairie Lands, USA |
Thank you Bob K! You wrote a lot of good points and truth that I need to see in your reply. And Zach... Thanks all... I will keep you up to date. |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
.....................maybe...................... :exrocist: .......... lol
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Graeshine2006, You don't have to tell Zach not to make mistakes. He needs to make mistakes of the sort you mentioned, I believe. You seem to have pretty good chops when they aren't focused on very specific areas of yourself, actually. At this point, the only ones that seem to be giving you problems that I can see are the ones are the single question, "How am I doing?" There may be others I can't see, but you seem to be reporting problems only in that specific area that are serious enough for you to want to reach for the Tums. That's all that I was talking to you about. That's all I was telling you you were doing. You weren't checking those perceptions of not changing and adapting, and of failing to have enough cheerfulness in your life against reality. With people you know and like (or love, even), or amused by, and with whom you are thick as thieves. People who seem basically "happy enough" for your purposes to you. Not the woman who won the Kentucky Derby of happiness (where they tend to shoot the runner up if she pulls up lame or breaks a leg), simply somebody happy enough for daily use as a friend and companion, who has sniffles every now and again. Everybody needs reality checks. They don't mean that your Everything is broken. Check that one out too. When you broaden it out to question your judgement on Zach, that's called "globalizing." That meaning taking feedback about one thing (in this case your unwillingness to acknowledge that you have already moved on, and what's going on now is simply your work on neatening up after yourself) and turning it into criticism of a perfectly joyful, competent and useful comment to Zach. Hah!, I state, with a phony French accent; I stick out my tongue at you. You I must upbraid! I must chastise you for this! Ha! Ha! And take that Madame! for attempting to treat a phony of my quality with such maneuver! I calcify you! I pronounce rabbits upon you and all your legumes! Take that! May your persiflage bluster for your follies! I trust we have clarified THAT. You've already made the major change by going through with the divorce. You're trying to slow it down a bit by pretending things haven't changed. Isn't that pretty normal? So you're worried it will be unbearable! So what! It already was unbearable, and it's healed so much it's not unbearable now. All this while you weren't looking. What would it mean to you to try taking this new sense of bearability around for a test drive? Nobody is pain-proof, you know, no matter how normal they are, but there ought to be some test-driving that you could do to explore your sense of fun just a shade further than your currently used to. You already know how to hide, and believe me, it's a very useful skill to have. Why not wonder a bit what it would mean to test drive your new life a bit within the bounds of safe excitement and see where you want to go? Talk it over with your therapist. Best wishes, Bob K. |
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graeshine2006 Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368The Prairie Lands, USA |
Hi Bob - You wrote: "When you broaden it out to question your judgement on Zach, that's called "globalizing." That meaning taking feedback about one thing (in this case your unwillingness to acknowledge that you have already moved on, and what's going on now is simply your work on neatening up after yourself) and turning it into criticism of a perfectly joyful, competent and useful comment to Zach" Have to admit, I'm not quite sure what you mean by that. But much of the rest of it, you are right on the button. This is a test drive, I have moved on - (and pretty dang far actually), I am as happy as anyone else, and when I look back on this year as compared to the "unbearability" of last year - there is no comparison. This year is heaven so far. Sometimes, I think I have "forrest-through-the-trees" syndrome. The trees are gone, but I'm still seeing them. Silly me, time to get some glasses! Deb |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Even better than I could possibly have hoped for! Thank you so much for clearing things up so much for me. BobK. |
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