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I'm not handling this well
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I'm not handling this well |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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My son will be 18 in less than two weeks. He was just accepted to the college of his choice. And I am sitting here, trying to not have an anxiety attack because he hasn't called or otherwise checked in after school. (You ever "try" to "not" have an anxiety attack? It doesn't help.) So...any advice? I'm not great on coping skills. I know that many of you have suffered losses--how do you get over that sense of impending doom and always expecting the worst? (and yeah, I'm posting this in total superstitious belief that as soon as I do, he'll walk in the door and infuriate me by saying "What?")  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
It didn't work.  |
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sandgrain Member Elite
since 1999-09-21
Posts 3662Sycamore, IL, USA |
Oh, Karen, I do so identify with your feelings. My oldest son (a sophmore)left from school before classes started one morning on a whim, with another student going to another state. It was 3 days with no contact. The fear and trauma are unexplainable, I know. After all I've seen, I'd like to think it'd be easier now to just trust God will watch over, but I didn't have enough faith or wisdom then. I pray for his safty and your peace of mind. Love, Rae |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Oh Rae...I know you do.  I'm sure I'm being silly. sigh Thank you lovie. smiling...I'm better at babies. You feed 'em, you clean 'em, you rock 'em. They sleep. And they STAY PUT. |
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sandgrain Member Elite
since 1999-09-21
Posts 3662Sycamore, IL, USA |
So he'll be graduating HS this spring? Please congratulate him for me on that college acceptance, when he gets home. That's a difficult time for a growing child as well as a parent. So many changes going on and so many unknowns to face. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
 He's home. She's home. Life is good. thanks for keeping me company Rae. I love you. |
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sandgrain Member Elite
since 1999-09-21
Posts 3662Sycamore, IL, USA |
God is good! He gave us others to love and care for and about. Love, Rae |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
You are a very special lady. I just wanted you to know that. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I think I'm going to have a bad case of "empty nester" syndrome, Rae. But what you say is true, because I had other teens here, and they tried to comfort me. It was sweet, actually, because they thought it was "cute" that I was so concerned, because they pointed out to me, nobody was worried about where they were...and that just made me all the more sad. And grin--no--it did not help me to think back to when I was my son's age. I think remembering my own shenanigans just exacerbates my anxiety. I just wanted to thank you for holding my hand, yet again. I'm never going to stop worrying, I know. But I do realize I'm going to have to let them do their own thing. *wince* I can only hope and pray it's the right thing.  It is sooooo easy to mess up. I know.  |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
So am I to understand that you are asking advice for how to stop being a mom? If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
LOL, I am sitting in a hotel near an airport, waiting for Sara's (my 20 yr old) flight to come in at 1030PM. I haven't seen her since the first week of August! This has been a rough year in so many ways, living in different states, and it takes a whole day of flying and nearly $500 to go back and forth. Hang in there...though it doesn't get easier, it gets less intense on the anxiety part. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Hugs to Larry--and of course, my sistah Kace. I think I've been a mother all my life. I even mothered my mother. *laughing* Just the worry part--it just gets so intense on me sometimes.  So thanks all. You are good company. Now. Anybody want a hug and some tuna casserole? *laughing* |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Serenity Blaze, You're not supposed to handle this well. I'm not your kind of religious, but I'm highly respectful of a personal and compassionate God. This is another kind of birth process, I believe, but without the physical pain. Many are the parents who have told me that they wish they could substitute physical pain for the fears and anxieties of this particular stage of life. I haven't heard you say so, but I'd be willing to bet the thought may have crossed your mind. It doesn't hurt us to look for what a loving and compassionate God is trying to help us with in His Wisdom here. No offense to my non-believing friends, but I think for you it's a fair question. I think that as God puts women through the pain of childbirth to help them bond to that child forever after in a way that no other experience could ensure; that He has offered the gift of this particular anxiety and worry to you, for you to deal with, so that you might see how precious this coming independence will be for both of you. And so that you, in particular, will value it for the gift it is. This independence is not only God's gift to your child, but God's gift to you as well. You can never erase that original bond forged in the pain of birth, nor really the bond forged in the raising of a child. A different and I hope equally precious bond is being forged here. These bonds, all of them, are meant to be carried lovingly through life, I believe. To try to cast them off seems entirely understandable; we are human. It is difficult to joy in every burden we carry with us through every moment of our lives. Fortunately, a compassionate God seems to have stacked the deck. We need these pains and fears and anxieties. They make our relationships more solid and more real. They make the progress we make in those relationships into something of actual spiritual value for us as well as everyday human emotional value. If we feel overwhelmed by anxieties from time to time, we may be having a problem, not with our anxieties, but with the attention we pay to the rest of our lives. Are we willing to acknowlege the rest of the world's bounties and God's gifts, or have we closed ourselves off from them. Our anxiety is, after all, not the only gift we have been given. We have been given a world that is brimming with laughter, should we only look for it, or notice it when we come across it. We have been given a world filled with friends, should we be willing to put the effort into treasuring them and allowing them to treasure us in return. We have been given a world filled with everyday tasks that require our attention. It is very very difficult to feel anxious while doing an exacting job of washing the dishes. It's difficult to feel anxious if you're actually paying attention to weeding the garden. If you're feeling only anxiety, you're not looking as closely at the garden as you should be. You aren't seeing all the weeds and you don't understand all the plants that need pruning. You're not seeing the garden at all. You've ignored the gifts of God's world to pay attention only to God's gift of anxiety. The idea is that feeling over-anxious means you need to start adding things to your schedule that bring your attention into the good world that God gave you. And Ms Serenity Blaze, these are simply the beginnings of the things you can do. These are the everyday things. I may not share your exact belief in God, but the what matters is your personal God's belief in you, and your willingness to meet Him and to accept his bewilderingvly large range of bounty. All my best, BobK |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thank you for your kind thought and words BobK.  I'm an armchair psychologist, so I realize that in the past six years, I've been peeling away layers of myself. Those roles that we are both born into and those we embrace...somebody's daughter, somebody's sister, wife, friend, mother... I think I'm just afraid I'm an onion. If I keep peeling those layers away there might be nothing left of me except the tears. Not to worry. It may just be the start of something interesting--one of my favorite flowers is from the wild onion. It could very well be time to bloom, eh?  Here's your hug lovie. And thanks again. |
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XOx Uriah xOX Senior Member
since 2006-02-11
Posts 1403Virginia |
(((serenity))) Expect the worst...and you will not rest until it happens. And there are some "wise souls" (((wisdom))) (((ignorance))) fun thoughts .... who have said that whatever you seek to avoid...commands it to occur. Isn't that comforting? ::smiles:: (((sweet serenity))) Rest Rest Rest |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Repeat for Serenity Letting Go As birds are given wings to fly and soar As high as needed to survive, So sons are given heart and nerve To answer callings, so they may thrive. jo perry Feb. 2006 |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
There is nothing I can say to help. I am the one that sits and imagines the absolute worse when they are late. I am so bad that I will keep the baby when she goes to pick up her hubby, just in case. I say a prayer when she leaves and one of thanks when she comes back. I ask for protection for all my babies..all the time. if that isn't normal...so be it. They are all I have and all I love most. Of course I am going to worry. And it got worse last year. I suspect it will never change. love ya Karen! "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Sigh. HUGS.... my youngest daughter left the house in 1996. You'd think I'd be over worrying about them. But guess what? I've passed on what I refer to as "good form." First, of course, I trust that all of my children, now that they are mothers, are getting the revenge of the babies. In other words, it won't be long, dear, before your kids come home and say, "now I know why you still call me 'baby'" Then, as time and space occur, and one travels from home to home, there will come a time when your children will say, as you leave their doorstep, "now, call us as soon as you get home, Mom, so we'll know you're okay." Trust me. It will happen! But yes, dear, if you have trepidations now of on-coming empty-nest syndrome, you'll have it times ten. There's a whole lot of "trust" that's going to have to come through for you. So you start counting the positives of having grown them up to this starting point in their lives. Look at [and count] all the things you've done to/said to/yelled at/pleaded with/ and coerced them to do over time. Now, look at how they've turned out. See what a great Mom you've really been? It will seem like a week, a month, a year over a few days time when they are gone on their own, honey. But for them, it will be a moment of struggles and miracles combined...and their minds will revert to "what would Mom have done?" You know I'm right.  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Actually, I've been having some dialogue with myself. AGAIN. I can't very well say that because they are really cool kids, that validates me. Because when they inevitably make mistakes, I'll just be invalidated all over again. I just hope they will continue coming to me, knowing I'll listen and that I love them just because they are.But I did have a great time at my son's surprise birthday party. I just hope and pray my company will always be welcomed. They are just....amazingly cool kids.  |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Serenity blaze, It does not sound like you're doing it again. It sounds like you're doing it again AND noticing other stuff about your relationship with them. The problem isn't with your worrying, it's with the exclusivity of the worrying and the leaving out of other feelings and thoughts that are fully as important. Your most recent posting shows that you're not only worrying, but you're allowing yourself to take joy in your current relationship with your son. And you're allowing yourself to see a hopeful outcome you are able to work toward, even with the realistic worry. I call that terrific. Simply remember the worries are real, so you can include the good stuff, too. BobK. |
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sandgrain Member Elite
since 1999-09-21
Posts 3662Sycamore, IL, USA |
"Normal" is more than a dryer setting, it's parent and teen anxieties. I used to think of things I thought were silly, that one of my teens worried about. Then I'd think how they saw my worrying about them as silly. So you see it's all normal, my dear. (((((((hugs galore)))))))) Rae |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
And dear Karen, It never really ends. Becoming a mother is a life time commitment, and worrying seems to be a part of the package. Loveya, "late" |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
smiling at Rae--I'll try to put this a little more delicately than I did in an e mail to a dear friend. The worry started when I made pee pee on a stick. (Actually, I was pretty worried before that--but shhhhhh) Thanks again, good poet people. *kisses* Ya'll are all so very lovely.  |
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icebox Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383in the shadows |
New study out this morning: people without kids are happier than people with kids. Gee...go figure... |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Well nobody called me to ask about it. The damned Sprint people won't stop trying to "give" me a cellphone, though. (I mean, I'm talking to the people on...what? A PHONE, right? What makes them think I'm hard to get a hold of? They call me five times a day. WHAT MAKES THEM THINK I NEED A CELLPHONE? But I ramble...) My life was very empty before I had children. I actually got exactly what I had longed for, in the order I requested too. Boy first, girl second. I had hoped I'd have a blonde haired girl, but thought it unlikely. Then I had a blonde haired girl. Wow. I thought I was in trouble for a while, but my mother told me I was born blonde. (That might explain a few things, huh?) Um, there's no pictures to attest to that fact. I was child number five. Y'ever notice families seem to run out of film on number five? I may have to look up an aunt and look at their family album. I'm happy. I think. I've noticed one thing about happiness though--it is always something I recognize in retrospect. sigh I may actually have to call a doctor. AGAIN. I can't remember when I slept last. or I can't remember when I last slept? I think something's broke. And I thought I was properly padded, but apparently not. I'm still a no-ass white girl. owI'll shaddup. Let me go make an appointment while the Sprint people aren't tying up my phone.  I'm happy. Really. |
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sandgrain Member Elite
since 1999-09-21
Posts 3662Sycamore, IL, USA |
Now is your appointment for that pee-pee test result or possible broken bone? You know you have an uncanny ability to make others so happy, I just can't imagine it not boomeranging to you. I pray all goes well with your appointment, dearie. Angel hugs, Rae |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm hugs from an Angel now I might sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.... thank you MamaRae |
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