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I want to forgive...
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I want to forgive... |
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Kaoru
since 2003-06-07
Posts 3892where the wild flowers grow 
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Tonight, I found out that the man that has practically been my husband for almost 3 years, cheated on me with one of my "friends". We had stumbled into problems with her..she had somehow made him "fall in love" with her..that's all I knew. I was about to forgive this..Afterall, you cannot control if someone feels for another. You cannot stop feelings..but..now.. Now it went past the line. Is there any way in this world that I can forgive him? Is there? I read some literature about adultery, and there are ways to forgive the act, but it all seems so uncertain to me. I guess it's still a fresh wound..I need help. I just need words. |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
probably not what you want to hear...and other than going for counseling together... sad thing about "practically" is he can get away with whatever he chooses other than being responsible for your/his child and unless you think he won't do this again to hurt you and your family (you are so young...)is that how you want to live your life ... always wondering? I can't walk in your shoes, but after 30 years of marriage and having something similar happen to me, I don't want to chance it again with my "him" no matter how much I loved him when it happened.( If someone can be easily enticed by another...sometimes more "lust" than actually "love") I think it is always easier once the trust is broken to not feel guilt enough to prevent it from happening again. I do believe that friend of yours was not a true friend...or she would have set boundaries.  to you and your daughterM |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
My Favorite Oprah quote: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
it's the same when they hit you...if you stay and forgive them...chances are, they will do it again. and yes! i love that quote from Oprah...it's 100% on the money true. Besides, who says you "have" to forgive him at all? Why is it that you can't be mad at him?! Why should he not be held accountable for his actions? for what it's worth, I'm so sorry you are hurting... |
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Cloud 9 Senior Member
since 2004-11-05
Posts 980Ca |
Just had this conversation last night with my ex. He cheated on me with his ex girlfriend who has his son. My thought WAS if he cheated on me with someone who I would NEVER see again......would I be able to forgive him? Would he do it with someone else? YES. He cheated on me with someone that I had to see over and over again. The constant reminder of when this marriage went down hill, followed by hitting and drugs. This has been the hardest to get over and I realized I couldn't forgive him. I married him for a reason and he didn't feel the same or was devoted as I was. Right now I am going thru "I want you and the kids back or nothing at all." So therefore, he wants nothing to do with his daughter if he cant have me. Too bad!!!!! My response back to him is..."she'll get over it." JMO...don't forgive him. Do you feel you have to? Oprah was right and he will never change. |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Depends on how much you like to gamble; the overwhelming majority of people are likely to continue “cheating” once it's already happened the first time - in other words, the odds are against him staying true in the future. Of course, there is the chance he might - and the question you really have to ask yourself (in my opinion) is how important it is for him to be monogamous based on your personal morals (some people don't have large issues with a partner being involved in external sexual affairs). If it's really high on your list and you consider it an extreme breach of trust, then perhaps it's best to move on and find someone who shares the same mindset... take it from someone who's been on both sides of the fence, no one "cheats" who doesn't want to in the first place. If [you] sleep with someone outside the realms of your accepted relationship, it is because you want to, not because you were forced to "fall in love" with someone else (that's a crock, someone who does that CHOOSES to put themselves in the situation where it can happen, want to avoid it? stay away from the temptation!). Barring rape (which is an obvious exception) - people have sex with other people because they want to - whether they feel remorse for it later or not, there is something in them that needed/wanted that. Sorry, I ramble. Hope it works best for you – I will comment on one thing that I’m sure you’ve already thought of, but feel compelled to bring up – don’t stay with him because if your daughter. You had a child together and that’s bound to be a hard thing to break up (honestly can’t imagine…) – but basing a relationship on something outside of your direct connection (not the tertiary connection of Freyja) will inevitably fail. If you choose to stay together and “work things out,” you’ll have to accept that a) he’s likely to do it again and b) you will have a lot of work ahead of you to continue making the relationship work. Just my 32-1/2 cents. Best wishes. Chris |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
 Words I have, but I think you already know the answers, you just want to have someone say you are right. We always know the answers as they come from inside, but we sometimes just don't listen.I can tell you one thing from my own experience and that is, I would never again settle for being anyone's second best, as I am worth more than that! I would rather be someone's great mother than someone's token wife any day, but that is just me. Ask yourself that same question Meg. I left my son's father with not a cent in my pocket, or anywhere to go, and somehow it all fell into place, it always does.  I am however, so very sorry you are hurting sweetie. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
I'm going to take the other side. I think it's important to forgive. It helps stop you from eating yourself up with negative feelings. That doesn't mean you should go back with him, but try to forgive within your heart. It's a gift to yourself! I wish you the best. |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
A song I wrote... called .. Put On The Get Over... Gotta move on boy You've been this way to long Gotta face it son You know the girl is gone (chorus) Don't matter none She done you wrong You got to put on The get over son and live another day got to hear what I say Didn't need that woman Find somebody else And be true to her son Remember how it felt (chorus) When you find someone You gotta wipe the slate clean If you hold a grudge You'll just get mean (chorus) |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
excellent advice, Martie! |
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sandgrain Member Elite
since 1999-09-21
Posts 3662Sycamore, IL, USA |
As I read all these posts, I kept thinking you only asked how to forgive him, not how live with him. If I kicked you, and you found it within your heart to forgive me because you're not the type who wants to be eaten up by hatred, it certainly doesn't mean you'd place yourself in a situation where I could do this to you again. It's important to forgive for your own well being whether or not the offender is sorry, but forgiveness doesn't mean forgetfulness. We all have to learn from our mistakes and often from others mistakes. You ARE worth more, take a stand on that. Jesus forgave because they didn't know what they were doing. Your guy didn't know what he was about to lose, either, so forgive him but move on. (((hugs))) Rae |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
I think forgiving is something personal. There are people in this world that I will never forgive, yet I am not ate up with anything....if said person is still in my life, I concentrate on their good qualities and just don't put myself in a position to be hurt/abused by them again. If said person is someone I can cut from my life then I do. I don't have time to keep people around that hurt me, or hurt in general. Life is to short and I can't save the world. Maybe that sounds cold, but I just don't believe anything that says I have to forgive in order to move forward.  feel free to send the therapist references at will. "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
I guess after reading some responses I didn't make myself very clear... I leave the forgiveness choice up to you..I just felt a need to explain to someone younger how easily these mistakes can re- occur and that without some sort of counseling or intervention, which may or may not include forgiveness, the reasons right or wrong may make that choice easier. I still believe though that the friend is not your friend for having stepped over the boundaries of friendship and I know from experience that a woman/man (though more likely a woman) can entice and make the grass look greener elsewhere...and if he still loves her as he or she stated then there isn't much to do but to move on. Once you can feel better about yourself(for these things inevitably make you question your own sexuality, beauty, loving etc...)then the forgiveness will be easier. I wish you the best...always M |
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