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Fabiani
Member

since 2006-05-12

Posts 123
Mesa, Az

0 posted 2006-05-14 06:30 PM

I sit in the silence with the shackles

I’m locked in this pen like a fanatical jackal

I Rattle the cell and bend the nail that I hang on

I hear the inmates sing Ancient slave songs

The iron maiden no longer pierces my flesh

My thoughts seep out out and leave a mess

Light is scares in a place such as this where

The zombies that inhabit have a habit of going maverick

Billowing Mildew Drapes my cage the impending resounding doom

Of my existence here has long since caused me fear

I’m anesthetized by time and callused by fate

I die in the penitentiary that I made

Sardonically ironic perhaps a little oxymoronic

"I'm floating the hoaming pigeon out hell's kitchen window
Left an SOS infested bottle nestled in his grip" Aesop Rock

Walter Poe
Senior Member

since 1999-10-13

Posts 787

1 posted 2006-05-20 09:26 AM

Sorry it took me a little while to reply to this it is a good poem it doensn't quite make it to my library but a very good attempt my only comment would be is that it was very strong till around halfway then you seemed to think you needed to pull in a few theosaurus words especially in the last line. You do write well but feeling will always make for better reading than 'intelligence'. This isn't a complaint i just think you lost the feel of the poem otherwise a very good poem.

I went to the desert on a horse with no name, it felt good to get out of the rain.

SATURN
Member

since 2004-05-04

Posts 78
ok,us

2 posted 2006-05-21 12:24 PM

i agree it does lose the feeling and makes it a little hard to read understanding wise but very nice.

SATURN

Fabiani
Member

since 2006-05-12

Posts 123
Mesa, Az

3 posted 2006-05-21 01:01 AM

yea i dont like this poem eiether lol

Walter Poe
Senior Member

since 1999-10-13

Posts 787

4 posted 2006-06-11 06:17 AM

Never said i did't like the poem just that you don't need to use long words when you have emotion

I love you works far better than and stanza of poetry ever devised

I went to the desert on a horse with no name, it felt good to get out of the rain.

Frank W. Torres
Member

since 2006-06-10

Posts 133

5 posted 2006-06-11 01:17 PM

I agree with with Poe, that you lost the roll with the big words. Emotion, impact and flow. Your doing fine. Keep on pushing your pen. Take care.

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