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Sparticus
Member

since 2003-11-15

Posts 245

0 posted 2003-11-19 03:26 PM

Wailing red
Robins skim
the last shale
under skewed
fungus skies.
Seeking their
desperate
route before
gauzy mold
pins feathers
blue on red
while rivers
swell as if
suckled by
woman whose
intentions bleed
past her tongue.
I sit held
in silent
mutation
from the one
you held like
a river
snaking through
your body,
I become
rigidity.

Even with insects-
some can sing
some can't

-Issa

tecoyah
Member

since 2003-11-16

Posts 83
NY

1 posted 2003-11-20 08:43 PM

neat form...might change second river to stream or something....nice work

Sparticus
Member

since 2003-11-15

Posts 245

2 posted 2003-11-21 03:44 AM

Thank you

Sparticus

James_A_Fraser
Senior Member

since 2003-09-03

Posts 972
Out Making Anticlines

3 posted 2003-11-23 09:23 AM

I made a little game out of trying to pick the most creative phrase in this poem....

AND THE WINNER IS: all.

~~J

Sparticus
Member

since 2003-11-15

Posts 245

4 posted 2003-11-23 12:58 PM

Thank you very much.

Sparticus

Even with insects-
some can sing
some can't

-Issa

coyote
Senior Member

since 2001-03-17

Posts 1077

5 posted 2003-11-23 07:10 PM

This is a very "stream of consciousness" piece......with much weight and bared soul.

Well done, Sparticus.

coyote 8)

Sparticus
Member

since 2003-11-15

Posts 245

6 posted 2003-11-24 10:16 AM

Thank you Cayote for your read and comment.

Sparticus

Even with insects-
some can sing
some can't

-Issa

eor
Senior Member

since 2002-09-26

Posts 959
blues & greys

7 posted 2003-11-24 01:11 PM

this is very intresting, i think the form makes this poem, because most of the lines are short choppy to the point, so if they were in longer sentances i think i would not have as much impact. nive write

"So what befalls the flawless?
Look what I've built, it shines so beautifully now watch as it destroys me."

Sparticus
Member

since 2003-11-15

Posts 245

8 posted 2003-11-24 01:52 PM

It is called a tri syllable verse. It is meant to be choppy in a sense, like speaking breathlessly.

Sparticus.

Even with insects-
some can sing
some can't

-Issa

cosmic-duality
Junior Member

since 2003-11-24

Posts 14

9 posted 2003-11-24 05:41 PM

I must thank you for writing such beautiful poetry. the imagery is searing, I can’t get out of my head.

Sparticus
Member

since 2003-11-15

Posts 245

10 posted 2003-11-25 02:44 AM

Thank you so very much for your response, my friend

Even with insects-
some can sing
some can't

-Issa

[This message has been edited by Sparticus (11-25-2003 02:45 AM).]

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