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children's hospital
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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children's hospital |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz 
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Wavering on that line of blissful insanity, where it be known to smoke through the blazing guns and pretty, bright orange [doctor prescribed] pills/capsules/poisons. Around and around [frightening horses - up and down and down and up] this room, it seems to spin. ‘Nurse, if you could please change this line. I think It’s gone interstitial and just a little too painful for me’. My twitching limbs masked underneath [maddening silence] swish swish swish and bleached white [red-stamped] hospital sheets. Drawing his weapon, I can smell his fear. He's just a little boy with wire rim glasses and a black leather briefcase. Duct tape holding together cracked and worn plastic edges of his bright blue shield. Pray for me, dear Vicar. Holy knows nothing but the breast bone, and only you [and you, and you] can undo these immoral sins of mine. And with fully-dilated black holes I gawk underneath frazzled [crazyperson] hair. May he Scribble my fate onto carbon copy [to lay dead in some archive six years from now]. But will I make it to four? [[[a few notes]]] it's all over the place, i know. jumping from thought to thought is quite deliberate in this piece [if you obviously can guess why]. i'm just not sure whether or not i like it that way anymore. let me know what you think. HONESTLY people. and even though there are many emotions and personal experiences backing up this piece, i'm letting this be a warning. i am able to handle the harshest critique. i don't bite that which i can't chew. let me have it. /jen/ i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister. [This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-02-2002 05:28 PM).] |
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Marshalzu 
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Wow, this is such an awesome poem full of incredibly vivid imagery and although it jumps around alot I found it relatively easy to read, I did wonder however if the comments in square brackets were meant to be read as part of the poem (which I assumed they were) or whether they were just comments. Anyway it's a pleasure to read this peice, thank you for sharing it with us  Andrew nice pic btw If your reading this signature I have replied to your poem, please repay the compliment :) |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
oh, the square brackets are always part of the poem. it's kind of an odd little habit of mine, that i do love and use quite often. it's weird to try and explain how i use them, because i can't quite give words to my actions that way. but you can guess. ::grins:: oh, and thanks about the pic [i took it myself ::another grin::]. i thought i'd give you guys a face for my words. /jen/ i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister. [This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-02-2002 06:17 PM).] |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
I think the square brackets add to the poem a lot, as it seemed to me that they were sort of after thoughts or just things that you thought whilst the rest was read out aloud. Mister Zu: |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Harshest critique? I can try my best, I can... but I can't promise you that you'll agree with everything that I'm saying, or that I'll be entirely accurate... I might overlook some intention that you have for a certain way of doing things, and that's fine, if so please respond to me in this thread correcting me. I admire your conviction, first of all. So I'm going to let you have it. Starting with your title... I have nothing really to say, except maybe take the extra two seconds and capitalize it. It just looks nicer. quote: This one leaves me wondering, firstly, where and why you decide to end certain lines. I have known it to be popular practice to end a line when the line itself is complete, but also goes into the next (enjambment). You leave a lot of words to stand on their own, as well. I suppose I can understand that, but why leave "of blissful" and break before "insanity?" That just makes the reader's eyes do a lot more work and doesn't have any particular effect that I can see. Correct me if I am wrong. Perhaps you just like verticalizing your poetry.  Other than that, I quite enjoy the first stanza. A colourful, bright and elaborate entry into the subject matter of choice. quote: I can't do much about this. The hyphen might have been best left as a line break, if you're doing what I think you are doing with line breaks. quote: Why the break of line? Pause in speech? There are much more effective ways to represent a pause in speech than simply leaving a line between them, especially when it's a quote, as this one is. I wouldn't have represented this quote quite so visually as you have, as it is meant to be something said by the subject of the poem, or by someone in the poem, I'm not exactly sure. It's kind of unclear, which isn't a bad thing... but how you left a space between lines, in my opinion, is somewhat faulty. quote: Ok... I read this with and without the brackets, to see exactly what it means... My twitching limbs masked underneath swish swish swish and bleached white hospital sheets. Hmm... unless "swish swish swish" is the noun, which is alright... that needs reworking in order to be accurate. And I'd make "bleached white" "bleached-white," which is what I assume you meant... hyphens between adjectives represent adjectives describing other adjectives... like blue-green. quote: This a description of the vicar you bring up next? Or just the guy who's going to stab you with that needle he's holding? That's not a critique, it's an inquiry... the blue plastic shield still kind of makes me tilt my head, I'm not sure what it describes. Tilting my head is good exercise for my brain though, so good work there.  quote: I think it's effective that you made it so that "Holy knows nothing" ends and is a statement in itself, followed by "but the breast bone." This is great for reasons that aren't keen for posting here in PIP. "And you, and you" made me think of Lamb Chop's Play Along. Yeah, and especially you! quote: Good ending... but I think "may he" seems like more of a promising prediction, as something you wish to happen... when you seem to be describing it negatively. I think it'd be better to find another way to introduce this prediction less willfully. Get my meaning? I really do like this poem, though. The descriptions are superb, I had an extremely good image in my head the entire time I read the poem. Laying dead in some archive made me think of your other post.  See you around, Jen. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
Whoa, look at the hottie.  I feel like crap because all I have to tell you is how much I like it. Maybe I'm just not picky enough to critique people. No, I am picky about what I like, but I'm not one to sit and comb through and pick at things. Poetry isn't science to me. There is no formula. I love your poetry, Jen. The line breaks, the brackets, the voice, the images, and just the way it all comes together. Sanity is in itself enough to make you insane. |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
ok lp [what IS your name?], here goes. i didn't capitalize the title because i'm lazy, i really should though. there's method in my madness, and reason as to why i break lines where i do. it's almost atwoodish, if i may be so bold as to say so. but you never heard it from me. ::grins:: the line break in the quote is VERY important in this piece. espcecially when taking into account the character [or subject] of the poem and her history. i put it in quotations because the subject was speaking to another subject in the poem, not the reader, and i wanted to distinguish it. i didn't want the reader to misinterpret who the target was. the brackets for [maddening silence] are there to give a certain effect to it. when i put brackets in my poems, i don't intend it to be read with AND without the brackets. just read every word i type [uless it's obvious as in the archive piece]. i should find another way to distinguish it, but i'll need to think about it. not hyphenating bleached-white was a simple typo overlooked. thanks for pointing it out. the description was actually about the vicar, but that is VERY cryptic and a deep secret for me, so i don't really expect the reader to catch that little part [unless they know me VERY well]. i made it so that i can work either way. also, with the blue shield, i don't expect readers to get that one either. if you've ever been in hospital in my city, you'll realise that hospital charts are kept in blue plastic [NOT plastic-coated carboard] binders. i laughed out loud when you commented about lamb chop's play along. i never thought of that. it represents something i'd rather not delve into within the pages of pip. i used the term 'may he', because it's out of the subject's control, and she knows it will happen. it's kind of like giving in, knowing that as much as you detest it, and disagree, it will happen. and you know there's nothing you can do about it. thus i put it in such a negative light. anything else i should explain? /jen/ i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Nope, that makes everything pretty clear. What I meant when I commented on "may he" was precisely what you mentioned, that it was beyond your control... "may he" sounds to be "I will that he" or "I wish that he would." As in, "may he rest in peace." You could find a way of phrasing this that doesn't suggest it to be something in coordination with your own will, right? Hey, that's just how my brain works. By the way, my name is Brian. Yep, that's my name... it's not just some random name that I tack at the bottom of all my emails, you know. Parasite (Brian) Learn to place poetry before people |
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Chloey Member
since 2002-09-29
Posts 74in a silver mustang convertible |
i love the way you let us know whats goin on in the end and i understand about the life stories backin it up its ok thats what poetry is writing from the heart!!keep up the awesome work!!!!!!! *$*Chloey*$* Revenge is sweet |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
Its been awhile since I've started reading poems again, and I noticed they're all very different from a couple of months ago and longer back. Your poem was very intense, I enjoyed it alot, it reminded me that we don't always think in straight lines but more in a curving manner. Well if that made no sense, then hopefully this will. Great work on the poem! Regina |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Ahhh there's nothing quite like a psych piece to bring those good ol' memories gushing back. I *love* your description of the doctor and the way you've asserted him to a higher ground. Isn't it always the way? Jen, you've got one hell of a piece here that is packed with not only lines I can completely relate to but in-your-face, intense imagery. What I got from the brackets was a section of the mind running off into another direction whilst the conscious side stays in reality. It's a cross section of the two and that in itself is what makes the entire thing fantastic. You've captured the essence of this topic and brought it forward into a light that is often not seen around here. Ahhh...you have such quality writing. It's nice to see someone around here can still write. I sure as hell can't anymore so yay for you!  Well done on this. I dare say that this is your best thus far. Be proud of it. Sorry that an email hasn't come back yet. I've been in a weird state of tredding water in two realms - both foreign if you know what I mean? Of course you do... Me. "It is far more difficult to murder a phantom than a reality." - Virginia Woolf |
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