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Xeonox

Senior Member

since 2000-04-01

Posts 1764
CA, USA

0 posted 2002-10-05 02:07 AM

I feel the need to tell you,
To show you,
How I am into you,
Just thinking of you-
Brings a smile of my face,
As I picture your kisses,
Undoing your laces,
I can’t think of none other,
Smell of you skin –
Leaves me deep
Your soul now
My keep-

I love being with you,
Needing you like air,
Breathing you till I
Die-
I feel no pain-
With you on my mind,
Oh how God made my
Perfect kind.

Ronil (A mask for everyday. Imagine a life without them.)

[This message has been edited by Xeonox (10-05-2002 11:09 AM).]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-10-05 10:45 AM

Yo Xeonox... good to see you again!

I like the staggered use of line sizes in here. It worked well with the rhyme, in that it made the poem read through informally... the flow became more spoken and less lyrical, which was a great way to compliment the subject matter. Poetry that is personalized, such as this one, tends to work really well when the tone is spoken rather than lyrical.

And spoken is great with a splash of rhyme, it sounds very sophisticated.

Lovely work, Xeonox. Hope that was logical/rational enough for you.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Xeonox

Senior Member

since 2000-04-01

Posts 1764
CA, USA

2 posted 2002-10-05 11:18 AM

YOu are a good critiques. I thank you for taking the time and the energy to reply to my posts. I was listening to a song called Baby, by Ashanti and I was inspired to write a poem of this type.

Ronil (A mask for everyday. Imagine a life without them.)

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

3 posted 2002-10-06 01:22 PM

i really enjoyed the physicality of this piece.

the way the words group and form. this definitely wouldn't be the same if it was alligned in any other fashion.

good write.

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

4 posted 2002-10-06 09:20 PM

Loved this.....perfect kind of poem....
LOL
Ri

~* Love humiliates you, hatered cradles you-White Olender *~

Jenn Cirrincione

Member Elite

since 2000-07-02

Posts 2107
Fl

5 posted 2002-10-06 11:39 PM

I really like the way this flows- although I'm not as eloquent as Allan, I still find this unique and well written.

Sweet.

Jenn

Why is it that we are at our most ingenius only when trying to destroy the things that keep us alive and thriving?

Xeonox

Senior Member

since 2000-04-01

Posts 1764
CA, USA

6 posted 2002-10-07 02:02 AM

I thank you for your kind responses...I will be inspiried to post more often.

Ronil (A mask for everyday. Imagine a life without them.)

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