| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
|
|
||||||
| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
|
|
|
||||||
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Pearls |
|
|
tearsoflove13762 Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488Texas.. and yes i have an accent 
|
I was looking for a diamond... and I thought that was what I found. Funny, it was just lying around... Hmmm...I wonder... Is this diamond really meant for me? Isn't this supposed to be something hard to find? Then maybe, just maybe, this isn't a diamond after all. Maybe this is just a worthless grain of sand. Only with the same exquisite features of a diamond. But only in physique. Perhaps, I'm not looking for a diamond after all. Maybe a pearl is meant for me. Something not too grand. But something with intrinsic beauty. Only too well disguised...or overlooked. I think I'd better search my pockets again for that pearl. Because now that I've thought about it, something's telling me... All along, A pearl is mean for me. Hard to find but when you do... it is special. |
||
| © Copyright 2006 Laura Risner - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
No one shall enjoy your writing as poetry very well if you don't heighten the language beyond commonplace manners such as you have here, heighten it beyond prosey conversation-like wording, and heighten it beyond the untraditionalness of freeverse. Why not give your poem consistent syllable-count, meter, perhaps even some rhyme? In my experiences both in reading and writing at least one or a combination of all those things brings out a much richer poetic experience. What you have is a poetic idea but don't use enough poetic structure to bring that out poetically. Just like a pearl is not any form of solid matter, poetry is not just any form of writing a poetic idea. It needs its special and traditional shape/structure too. [This message has been edited by Essorant (11-03-2006 02:57 PM).] |
||
|
ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I agree with Ess, sort of. Dear friend, you must elevate the stature of your writing. Poetry can be simple, but it can't be ordinary. This is ordinary. There are some that are going to say that you must have a particular syllable count, a meter, or a traditional form. I don't see that as a requisite. However, you must give some depth. Start by cutting out all words that don't serve a particular function. "I," conjunctions, etc... Also, watch your subject matter - diamonds, pearls - they are a tad tired. Oh and you need a "t" added to "mean" L20. good luck CS Who am I if I can't love, What am I if I can't hate, and what is the result when I can't tell the difference? Dane Barner |
||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
You must admit folks do tend to get the idea to write like this from freeverse, not from traditional formverse in meter, syllablecounts and rhymes. Imagine if all this poetess ever knew of verse were just twinkle, twinkle litte star. Methinks she had probably written much better emulating that meter and rhyme than being under the influence of freeverse. |
||
|
Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
First I'd like to say that I have a lot of respect for anyone who attempts to write free verse, being dependent only on the 'story' and the method of telling it's a very difficult form to pull off and to write good free verse the content has to be top notch. Forms that have a fixed meter and\or rhyme scheme, although somewhat restricting, are easier to write having a basic scaffold to support the content. While this piece isn't brilliant I think you could make something of it and still keep the format, you may need to change the subject slightly. Perhaps you could use the diamond and pearl references differently, as a metaphor for people for instance - they're different and liked by different people for different reasons in the same way that diamonds and pearls are coveted. Thanks for the chance to read and reply |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: And next you'll advocate the return to 'thee','thy', and 'thou' in order to maintain a heightened poem? I'm not sure what 'heightened' means but if it means noble or something like that, I'm sure you'll get what I'm getting at.  Meter, by itself, does not make a poem any more interesting than free verse. It is a tool. This strikes me as a rough draft. Laura, where do you want to go with this thing? |
||
|
ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I'm not trying to put words in anyone's mouth, but is there a thought out there that equates free verse with laziness? I think that would be a travesty, but I can see how writers who are more influenced by form, meter, and rhyme could see free verse writers as those not disciplined enough to study the "craft." One can draw similarities from music history and those composers who left the norm of pre-classical ideals and moved into the pre-romantic harmonic language. Some saw the divergence as satanic. Of course there was the neo-classic, and later the neo-romantic, "revolution" of sorts that harkened back to an earlier ideal when things were seen as out of hand. This happened as late as Stravinsky and continues to vacillate today. I'm not trying to hijack this thread, but I thought it was a good question to ask per the conversation. Ron, feel free to certail this if need be. CS PS Truly this is not aimed at anyone, just an honest question. Love from the PNW |
||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I won't hide the fact that I find freeverse an inferior form of writing poetry when held up in comparison with traditional, wellwritten formverse in English. In my opinion it is a bit of a delusion to paint it out as if it is an "equal" tool. I simply don't see this "tool" doing as well as the tools of such poets as the Beowulf-Poet, Chaucer, Shakespeare, Pope, and Poe and so many others, that heightened poetry so strongly thro stress-meter, syllable-stress meter, and rhyme. They had much more than good ideas, but they heightened the language as much as possible to bring forth ideas and words in as eloquent a way as possible. People today may go that distance as well if they dared to be so ambitious and heighten language as much as possible by using such forms. But since freeverse basically "frees" itself from those, it also lacks the long historical support of them. That doesn't mean it doesn't have its own more individual strength, but that individual strength is is not as strong as the traditional forms already so strongly proven thro many ages. |
||
|
rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Laura, here I will try to say in a bit simpler what they meant cause they tell me many of the same things. Grinch and Essorant and Brad sometimes say stuff complicated and it hard to get. (Believe me I know I often have to reread what they write.) You had a interesting idea here, but it needs polish to turn it into anything. Try writing this out in prose before you make it poetic, it can still be free verse but it needs a structure and the idea has to go somewhere. In free verse its more important to direct the reader along where you are going, presumably you are trying to tell a story or explain an idea or feeling but eloquent. It needs to enforce what you are talking about without being repetive. Try to tell it in different ways, use metaphors. Change how we (reader) look at it. Show us what you mean by describing examples. Don't continually use the same concept of losing and finding in those words, use other words for pearl, such as , gem,jewel,hidden treasure, silver lining, pot of gold behind the rainbow. The vocabulary in this also needs to be more uncommon. Don't use 'I' as much it throws it off , and self centers it to much, take that away and it will be more general and gives you more freedom with how you can configure your sentences. On the contrary, I think actually while it does need meter and more stability puting rhyme in may not help. Rhyme if not spontaneous will seem forced and take away from an idea and make it seem mediocre even if it is is really quite good like this one is. |
||
|
tearsoflove13762 Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488Texas.. and yes i have an accent |
thanks all of you for helping. I will begin fixing it as soon as I get back to school. I had a different meaning in the poem other than literally pearls or diamonds. I will be sure to make my meaning more obvious. Laura |
||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I look forward to reading your revision of this. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
