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Artofmark
Junior Member

since 2006-07-12

Posts 41

0 posted 2006-11-04 03:50 PM

Into your eyes I am lost, as a ship at sea
For I dont ponder the thought of land
I am with you and you with me,
i wish the hour glass had endless sand
as we can be together lost thou gaze
your stare is worth all words thought
to be lost with you is all i sought
you are my star in the darkest nite sky.
illuminating all so bright
glistening you provide the purest light,
To be lost for some is hell,
but from me its's heaven,
for into your eys lost, i have fell.

Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

1 posted 2006-11-04 04:18 PM

This looks like an early draft without the polish, you seem to have the outline of what you want to say but at present it just comes across as a list. I think a positive move towards improving this piece would be to distil it a line at a time to produce a stronger essence of your original intent.

Take this for instance:

Into your eyes I am lost, as a ship at sea
For I don't ponder the thought of land

If you removed 'I am' from the first line and replace 'For I don't ponder the' with 'No' you get the same meaning distilled into less words which in turn gives the words more power.

Just a thought.

Artofmark
Junior Member

since 2006-07-12

Posts 41

2 posted 2006-11-05 12:14 PM

hey sounds good, I get some good content by get to wordy, because i overthink half my poems
thanks mark

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

3 posted 2006-11-05 09:40 AM

Good day,

This could be turned into a very good sonnet if you cleaned up its act quite a bit. First of all I think the sentence structure and punctuation and spelling need to be worked with much more critical care. Without that basis nothing else shall have much strength. Focus on making simple and complete sentences, and also creating more transition and connection from one line to another. Even just using the word "and" a bit more may help sometimes.

I think slowing down more and focusing and furthering one aspect at a time may bring it out much better as well. This seemed to move from one aspect to another a bit too quickly. For example, you open the poem in the first two lines with the analogy of being like a ship lost at sea, lost in this person's eyes, but then move onto other aspects so soon. It may be more interesting if you played more upon the idea/theme of being like a ship lost at sea and further that wherever you may in the rest of your poem.

I hope that helps.

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