Forgive me please (Inspired by William Faulkner's -As I Lay Dying- and Serenity Blaze)

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Dark Angel
Member Patricius

since 1999-08-04

Posts 10095

0 posted 2005-07-30 08:37 AM

Forgive me please, forgive me

Following the heart never gets one nowhere...

jist in trouble.

I guess I’m jist angry at mah self, because it aint like I can turn it all ‘round now, sheeesh.

I'm in the wrong place, I don’t even belong in this here place I’m in.

I jist keep finding mah self ‘ere.

And none god damn understands me anywho, not even mah self

and I knows I can't do nuttin ‘bout that.

I'm in this here void, like a dome, and life is projected onto it

and I’m standing here in tha middle of it, looking up and around at life.

How it moves on ‘bout me.

I sees it go by

and I am stuck, like mah feet are cemented into the ground and all,

and all i can do is to bend over backward looking at mah life

and it’s like on playback; and god or someone is out there in them sticks

with some sort a control, rewinding, then forwarding, repeating it

over and over agin.

And I see mah self moving time frames with mah feet firmly t’gether,

with mah head tilted back and mah chins on the marsh, looking at mah life

in total ‘mazement.

Why’s it so hard for such folks to understand that? Now tell me why that is?

I know’s they’re out there shaking dem heads at me,

well they’s can shake all they wants cause theys inspire me to write more,

and to write of them and how in mah eyes I see them.

I'm jist an abnormal bayitch, but mah heart aches,

I want mah sight, and I want mah ears working

and the only words I knows are the ones that goes round in mah head,

yes ma’am, they goes round in mah head.

I can't even tell them all this, they doesn't need more stress right now, no they don’t.

Cause theys will hurt for me, and I damn well know that I will hear less from them if they

knows, and that alone would be ‘nough to send me off of the edge.

I knows that all dis time.

But mah heart leads me, and the little dawg that she is (that’s mah heart i’m talkin ‘bout now)

always leads me to a dead end, and if it means swallowing this here ache

and somehow controlling it so that I don’t vomit it back out, then that is what I

must to do.

So

forgive me please, forgive me.

(Note: That durn Mister Faulkner, him don't leave me alone til I done this. Heh, sorry Pipsters had ta get it outta mah system. Now I do welcome sugestions on how i can improve this here lil ditty.
And M'lady, thank you for encouraging me to read Faulkner, I absolutely loved 'As I Lay Dying..the language and the dialect was amazing, it slowed me down a little, but i kinda got the 'jist' of it)

Mareexx

[This message has been edited by Dark Angel (07-30-2005 09:19 AM).]

Martie

Moderator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-09-21

Posts 28049
California

1 posted 2005-07-30 01:07 PM

Maree

You already know I love your voice in this.

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

2 posted 2005-07-30 02:51 PM

"i kinda got the 'jist' of it"

I'd say, ya got waaay pas 'kinda'
ya immersed yerself 'n absorbed it
and it tastes good on the tongue

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

3 posted 2005-07-30 03:09 PM

Our Bridget Shenachie recently read some Faulkner without knowing of the thread, and I think I need to do so now...

I read this aloud, but in a soft voice...and I like the way it sounded in my own ear...

Methinks I need to spend some time in the south...

just to see if I can become such a voice...

Maree?

I need to hear this with an Aussie twinge....

I know I'll love it!

Now, going back for a second vocal reading...just because it sounds so good!

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

4 posted 2005-07-30 05:13 PM

smiling wide--

"Y'jist gotta be careful when ya write in dat dere dialect. It's kin to like when y'wuz little and makin' dem funny faces. Momma always said mah face could stuck dat-a-ways. Same holds true for tawkin', Ah guess, cuz look and see whut jist happent."

I enjoyed this so much Maree, and I too, am wondering what a suthern accent sounds like mixed with Aussie.

(Jerry Hall--Mike Jagger's ex, has an unusual inflection now. A tall Texas drink of water that never lost her twang, but now she has this Brit mix going for her, too.)

It happens that way sometimes.

Love you much, Maree. Dialect can be quite a challenge to read, much less write and I thought you pulled this off beautifully!

Larry C

Member Patricius

since 2001-09-10

Posts 10286
United States

5 posted 2005-07-30 08:20 PM

Maree,
Yes mam I'd call this here a success. Dang your little dawg gets to me.

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

6 posted 2005-07-31 08:07 PM

Dialect, lol. It's cool to see someone trying that out for a spin here at pip. I do think you use "mah" a bit too much. However, I am not an avid reader of fiction that's been styled with dialect. I've read a bit of Faulkner, myself, and I do understand what you are trying to do here. You might also like to check out Sallinger's "The Catcher in the Rye," as it does a good job capturing the mood *and dialect* of youth in more recent times. Holden Caulfield is a nice narrator, lol.

The existential angst in this piece was well-done, though perhaps a bit too much like other posts at pip. The sense of being thrust into a place where one does not wish to be is something on which I and probably 90% of other piptalk authors have written. Perhaps our writings are speaking to an unpleasant aspect of North American life.

Any idiot can see that the result is true.
-- argumentum ad idiotum
Me!

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

7 posted 2005-08-07 05:26 AM

Wow...

now I KNOW this wasn't an easy one to
write... but yep... as K said...
you pulled it off beautifully...

Enjoyed this, Maree...

"When the power of love overcomes the love
of power the world will know peace."
--Jimi Hendrix

miscellanea
Member Elite

since 2004-06-24

Posts 4060
OH

8 posted 2005-08-07 10:37 PM

I bow to ya, lidl lady! You got the stuff! (Heck! Don't think I could do this, even though my Appalachian articulation would lend itself to some of this!) Enjoyed a whole bunch!

miscellanea

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