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Open Poetry #40
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Asian Army of Clay Men
| Open Poetry #40 |
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Asian Army of Clay Men |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina 
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Asian Army of Clay Men Opiates spurt monstrously from her pores; amounting to fountains of blasphemous soothing agents, irreverent to the lockjaw of unsuccessful tussles. She left the house on route to the grocery store, without her head, again. On the way, she remembered where she left her lost keys that day before. Either muscle memory or her body’s compensation for lack of limb kicked in, proving no need for the head. Der headless woman, dusting an army of clay men; slowly obliterating the last kings of meaning. A massive monarchy of figures, really nothing more than a collective of sand, dispersing when agitated. They held no memory in her mind. Nothing but a dust cloud. Nothing but a dust cloud. She ran full gallop towards the new love of her life. Open arms spread wide. then… the embrace. Her bosom bruised on impact and could only say, by means of a toothless, bloodied mouth: “This tree sure is a human hugger.” Some of us just want something more solid to hang onto... Head Cheese & Chicken Feet |
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| © Copyright 2007 Edward Grant - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Drauntz Member Elite
since 2007-03-16
Posts 2905Los Angeles California |
song from hell!!! |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
huh? |
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Drauntz Member Elite
since 2007-03-16
Posts 2905Los Angeles California |
"Opiates spurt monstrously from her pores;" this is not a nice picture as you would have painted How people from UK kicked out their christians and wiped out all aboriginal people from Hobart and later kidnaped their children and they also came over here to US to kill and to African to steal. and more tragidies in their colonies. |
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Drauntz Member Elite
since 2007-03-16
Posts 2905Los Angeles California |
why "huh?" if you want to be out of comfort zone the reply will mostly not in your comfort zone. why the big "huh?" |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
"huh?" because your reply of "song from hell!!!" made no sense. And no I'm not painting a pretty picture and I didn't mean to. And I'm not expecting a comfortable reply, but I would like a reply I can understand.  Even your last reply of: "UK kicked out their christians and wiped out all aboriginal people from Hobart and later kidnaped their children and they also came over here to US to kill and to African to steal. and more tragidies in their colonies." Makes absolutely no sense. |
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Drauntz Member Elite
since 2007-03-16
Posts 2905Los Angeles California |
"You're brave enough to have gotten this far... I appreciate the comment, good or bad. " keep your words. |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
Lol, ok. I am keeping my words. I said "good or bad" not "coherent or incoherent." When someone "critiques" or comments my work, I'd like to know what they're talking about, is that too much to ask? lol I mean come on, seriously. And what the heck was all that about the UK and Africa and the US? |
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Drauntz Member Elite
since 2007-03-16
Posts 2905Los Angeles California |
if you want to read some modern histories to see what opiate has done. It is not something to joke about in Asian. my opinion. |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
Oh oh ok. You're talking about my reference to opiates. That explains the whole Africa and UK thing. Ok, I gotcha now. I just had no idea what you were talking about. It wasn't a big deal; and it wasn't a "big huh?" I was just really curious. I like it better when people dislike the piece, because then I can get their feedback on why it doesn't work. I know a great deal about the history of opiates and drugs in general. I am absolutely fascinated with the drug culture; and I like to learn all I can about it. I wasn't joking about opiates. I was using them and the image of them spitting out of her skin as a metaphor. It wasn't meant to offend anybody. This is actually, believe it or not, a type of love story (my warped version of a love story anyway). Sorry for all the confusion, peace. Head Cheese & Chicken Feet |
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secondhanddreampoet Member Ascendant
since 2006-11-07
Posts 6394a 'Universalist' ! |
interesting 'write' (and comments).... particularly: "She ran full gallop towards the new love of her life. Open arms spread wide. then...the embrace. Her bosom bruised on impact and could only say, by means of a toothless, bloodied mouth: “This tree sure is a human hugger.” Some of us just want something more solid to hang onto..." ...this might just turn into a truly 'open' forum yet?! |
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Drauntz Member Elite
since 2007-03-16
Posts 2905Los Angeles California |
good writing and good experience of out of comfort zone for me. thank you!! |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
  "Either muscle memory or her body’s compensation for lack of limb kicked in, proving no need for the head." After I figured out what the heck you were writing about...  or maybe you meant????  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I'm sorry Ed, but I just can't get past the first line (two lines?): "Opiates spurt monstrously from her pores;" I stopped. I thought. Then I choked on my beer as I thought further: "She must get licked alot." Let me try to shake that off and then I'll try to read the rest. Sorry.  |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
I almost never do this... because critiques just aren't "my thing" in any way, shape, form or fashion. *G* However, I think you'd want my honest response... so here goes.... forgive me if I make no sense. *S* The first verse provides plenty of shock value and fodder for discussion, but after reading the whole several times, I think the poem is stronger without it. But that may be because... sans first verse... I identified so strongly with it. *S* I might even have to try running full gallop and meeting the inevitable pain head on! *G* Sorry for the longwindedness... I did enjoy very much!! |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
enjoyed this to.... and read it a few times... It seems to be somewhat condescending and mean... but I liked the visuals and the ending...which explains quit a bit.... "She ran full gallop towards the new love of her life. Open arms spread wide. then...the embrace. Her bosom bruised on impact and could only say, by means of a toothless, bloodied mouth: “This tree sure is a human hugger.” Some of us just want something more solid to hang onto..." ouch????? but I liked.... Oh, by the way, I did know from the beginning it was a love song...but explain the asian army of clay men...meaning...the men in her life were less then responsible...or were they to be feared? thanks Ed. |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
Thanks Lee "It seems to be somewhat condescending and mean..." See, this is the type of feedback I'm looking for. It's interesting that you said this because a friend said something to the same effect. I didn't realize this until it was mentioned. Why does it sound condescending and mean? I am very curious because this is the second time it was implied. Thanks "but explain the asian army of clay men...meaning..." Clay men crumble and crack; they have no substance or real structure. They are molds of what men should be; but they're hollow. She wanted "something more solid to hang onto..." I hope that explains it a little bit. Thanks for the reply Lee. Cheers - Ed _______________________________ Suthern, Heh, you make perfect sense and I'm glad you spoke up. I too was thinking about cutting the first stanza. It does fit in the story, but I'm not sure if it needs it. Now that I have a second opinion, I just might do it. Thanks for the reply! Cheers Head Cheese & Chicken Feet [This message has been edited by Edward Grim (05-01-2007 02:09 PM).] |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Ed, since I made my little joke publically, I would like to offer my sincere apology the same way. I thought we shared the same quirky sense of humor, and I want you to know I had no intent of belittling your capabilities of self-expression. I apologize. I do enjoy your humor, and admire your steadfast determination to be yourself as you express yourself. So mea culpa if I crossed a line--I apparently misunderstood you, but know that I never meant to intentionally hurt your feelings, nor mock you. I honestly thought you would appreciate the warped humor. I'll leave you be now. *peace* |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
Lol, Karen what the heck are you talking about!? I'm not mad at anybody, except Descartes, but that's a different story, oh and Francis Bacon, but that's a different story too. "I thought we shared the same quirky sense of humor, and I want you to know I had no intent of belittling your capabilities of self-expression." We do, but I am a very flighty person, meaning I'll check my replies every few days and tend to only reply to the last reply or the last two replies. I didn't mean to ignore your reply. I got a good laugh out of it. And when did you belittle me? I saw nothing even remotely belittling in your reply. lol Lol, don't apologize K, you didn't do anything. "I honestly thought you would appreciate the warped humor." I did, but I just failed to acknowledge it, I'm sorry for that. My mind runs too fast and I forget things. "I'll leave you be now." You better not! Love ya honey. Head Cheese & Chicken Feet |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Edster: Makes perfect sense to me. The imagery is easy to relate to and the context switch from dusting Chinese clay statuary to grocery shopping, both pretty much drugged out experiences, works. My favorite drug experience: After surgery, I was on a morphine drip for pain. A nurse, drawing blood, tied a rubber tourniquet around my arm, and forgot about it. After about three hours, another nurse untied it, and the pent up morphine hit. Talk about a rush! Lordy, I was watching the Yankee's play the BoSocks in my room. Even better than doing LSD in Vietnam and riding in a blue bus through, ah, something... An interesting thing about me and morphine: When the pain goes away, I have no interest in the drug. Who knows? Jimbeaux |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
read this once again, along with the comments, and now, understand all the tones, much much better... no longer seems mean or condiscending...but just as a matter of fact.... Well done Ed. |
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