Open Poetry #39 |
New Style from the 'Deer |
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
This is a new form I came up with and have been practicing. This poem is one of the practices. Each stanza consists of 4 fifteen syllable lines. The second and third syllables of the first and third lines rhyme with the sixth and seventh syllables of the second and fourth lines and the ending rhymes are a-a-b-b. Anyone want to give it a try? Young Barney was a fella who would always chase the lasses He had a line of blarney that could fool the lower classes. He peddled lines of nonsense with the magic of Houdini and virtue lost was settled over lunch and amartini. He could have been a happy man with all his many blessings And possibly he would have but he loved to keep girls guessing As women gave him what he wanted, smitten by his charms Not knowing that a demon playboy held them in his arms. His youth began to slip away as Barney tried much harder And, really, if the truth be told, he'd lost the way to barter. His corny lines had lost their spark, his looks once called endearing Gave way to age as Barney found his conquests disappearing. The ending was predictable. Of course, you know it would be. Too late for fences mending which is just the way it should be. Have pity for the Barneys and the victims of their choosing The truth may not be pretty but the fact is all are losing. |
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© Copyright 2006 Michael Mack - All Rights Reserved | |||
trutodaraiders Senior Member
since 2006-12-02
Posts 820CA |
Balladeer I think I might have to try this. You did a great job. Not only that, but I liked the story that you told on this poem. Kudos ~Bill |
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MoonShadow Senior Member
since 2001-08-02
Posts 943Dark side of the Moon. |
Definately an enjoyable and entertaining musical quality... as much as a limrick. However, in the last two lines of the second quadrain... though I read it many times... I could only squeeze out 14 syllables making it inconsistant with the others of 15 syllables. In any event... congratulations for a remarkably innovative structure. MoonShadow |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
whew! too hard for me to even think about! enjoyed! |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Wonderful work 'Deer! I'll keep this and have another look see after my second cup ok? You are a marvelous writer! Sing in me muse... |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Thank you all for enjoying. Moon Shadow, you are absolutely right. Actually, 14 syllables is my normal structure of choice and I tried to stretch this one out to fifteen and those two lines slipped right by me. Thanks for pointing it out! |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
I have a hard enough time even writing out my food shopping list lately. No way I could pull off something like this! You certainly are talented Michael! |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
I got one verse almost done then figured it would drive me crazy( as if I am not almost halfway there as it is   Not an easy task although I do like challenges! Happy New Year, Mike M |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Haha.... <---- give Barney a moment to stop laughing. o.k. Well, you sucked me in with you "new style" claim but I somehow find this every bit enjoyable as all your great works, Mike. Lukily this Barney has a wonderful wife or I might have had to take this one personal. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Deer...any style you find, I'll play and then rewind. Happy New Year! |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
Dear Deer, any style that you write is something that I am going to love, and that m'friend is a fact. Hugs to you and Happy New Year, too!! |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
I will get right on it Really enjoyed this Michael and Happy New Year to you and Frannie. |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Balladeer~ Happy New Year to you and the New STYLE looks great on you too~ *Huglets* ~*Marge*~ ~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~ |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Shuckers....he beat me to it....yep, I counted 14 as well... An interesting exploration you have going here Mr. Deer... |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Counting is not something I would venture. But it looks good, reads good and is fun to boot. So you go right ahead my friend. I enjoyed the poem, the story and the hard work. best to you, late... |
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SmartChick Member Rara Avis
since 2001-09-23
Posts 7081On A Journey To The Unknown |
Golly gee, Balladeer. I haven't even gotten the Iambic Pentameter down, yet. How would I ever get this one? Wish I was SMARTER. Maybe, I should change my ID name. Actually, my muse up and left me a few months ago. And she never has returned. |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
On the first day of this new year I'm really not capable to give this a go Deer. Gosh, my head is still spinning from last night. Too much Glüh wine I suppose Maybe tomorrow...or the day after...we'll see if I can figure it out some day LOL Enjoyed the read though, as always. Happy New Year Like scattered leaves...my words will flow |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
I think I have to think about this a bit longer...but you did an excellent job. Fifteen syllables is a lot for one line... nearly a haiku in one space. a good commitee can decimate communication. |
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
Yea right....can you just imagine Toerag trying this?.... |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
You are a challenging man. saving this-- great form m'deer. |
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Brian James Member
since 2005-06-26
Posts 147Winnipeg |
This is old hat for you, Deer, admit it. It's just iambic heptameter with double rhymes. Although maybe that means you're getting in touch with your feminine side... That said, I do think the double rhyme suits your style, since it has such a tendency to emphasize the sing-song aspect of the poetry and is so appropriate in light verse. It'll be good for balderdash at least. "To me, the thing that art does for life is to clean it, to strip it to form." ~Robert Frost |
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