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stevepoet
Junior Member

since 2006-12-02

Posts 46

0 posted 2006-12-02 08:44 AM

Me and the earth collide
a new birth of mine
even my worst will shine
but first I'll rhyme.
So I sit down,
the murmur of my ear phones
and the sounds all around
pound my ears as I ground.
preparing for rounds of words to expound
on what I have found, in these twenty six years.
memories with tears and plenty of cheers,
times when I felt like dying,crying...
climbs where I almost stopped trying.
All come through like a riot
prying my mind open for more thoughts
I have a forethought,...... just write what comes to mind
Im alright with time,so I fight to unwind and write this little poem of mine

The music creates a vaccum
an attraction to what Im feeling
detaching me from being,
relaxing and appealing
distraction from what Im seeing
I react from it with healing

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

1 posted 2006-12-02 08:58 AM

Steve, I noticed on another's response you asked to be critiqued..but your personal profile says "no"..you may want to change that.

You have some good thoughts here and lines but sometimes over rhyming can make the poem less meaningful..I would try to not use the rhyme within the lines...but more at the ends if that is what you would like to do.

M

icebox
Member Elite

since 2003-05-03

Posts 4383
in the shadows

2 posted 2006-12-02 09:24 AM

"The music creates a vaccum..."

Perhaps you should try removing your earphones. You may then find within what you call a vacuum is a universe of music, vision and ideas.

Keep writing.

lil' Angel
Member

since 2003-11-14

Posts 116

3 posted 2006-12-02 12:16 PM

I think it's well written, and you did a good job with the rhyming...It's not always easy to write poems that rhyme.

Lil' Angel

"There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord." Proverbs 21:30

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-02-22

Posts 9353
Michigan, USA

4 posted 2006-12-03 11:10 AM

Welcome to Passions.
Let your talent flow...it needs no oars, only a rudder and a sail.

TD

trutodaraiders
Senior Member

since 2006-12-02

Posts 820
CA

5 posted 2006-12-03 11:25 AM

I think that this poem is decent. Surely I think we can all agree that I can pick out atleast 1 line out of the poem, and be able to relate to it. I think that other readers can as well.

Poetry is just the evidence of life.
If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash. "
Leon Cohen~

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