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Spot
Junior Member

since 2006-03-04

Posts 45
CA, US

0 posted 2006-11-28 12:04 PM

Mirror

I can show beauty;
Meaning reversed, light stolen,
False. Nothing is mine.

--------------------
all I know about haiku is that the syllables go 5-7-5; I couldn't find any concrete rules on grammar, so if there are any. could someone tell me?

Also, the phrasing of the second line, with "meaning" and "light" preceding the respective verbs just sounds better to me, but I was wondering if it read awkwardly for any of you.

Thanks in advance

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

1 posted 2006-11-28 08:04 AM

I love it! It reads smoothly to me.

I'm not sure of any rules about haiku...don't think there are any

that's what makes it so creative!

Interloper

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-06

Posts 8369
Deep in the heart

2 posted 2006-11-28 10:01 AM

There are many, many rules for writing Japanese Haiku. It is a very strictly structured format.
The Senryu, is much less structured and the American Senryu in simply 5-7-5.

The biggest piece of advice I will give you is ... limit your punctuation to the point of vanishing.
~*~
I can show beauty
reversed meaning, stolen light
false for naught is mine
~*~
Just an example ... not trying to rewrite your fine work.
Keep trying because this form is fun and my favorite form in which to write

Poet, said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write.

[This message has been edited by Interloper (11-28-2006 11:58 AM).]

Spot
Junior Member

since 2006-03-04

Posts 45
CA, US

3 posted 2006-11-30 12:39 PM

passing shadows: Thanks, I was scared I had totally missed a huge part of it and would look stupid. Thanks for reading!

Interloper: ahhh ok thank you. I looked up rules for haiku online and there were like 80 different versions, so I figured it would be easier to simply ask here. Thanks for taking the time to help.

I tend to overuse puncutation fo emphasis so that will be hard for me. Thanks for pointing it out. I like your rewrite. I'll try to take out the punctuation and if I like the way it turns out I'll post it again.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement.

...it's always sudden...

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