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Open Poetry #39
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Trod along in emptiness...
| Open Poetry #39 |
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Trod along in emptiness... |
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papaskins Junior Member
since 2006-11-15
Posts 21 |
Deep into the hazy drifts, I trod along in emptiness. My mind is searching for direction, Full of conflicts and correction. Looking through the fog before me, Focusing my eyes to see. Surveying all of my surroundings, Reflections of my life to be. Troubled times reveal so clearly, Special times they seem so small. Step by step, the visions greet me, Painfully I grasp them all. Slowly things began to fail me, Through withered brow I see the end. True love, my wife I leave behind me, My sons have all grown into men. The fog begins to close around me, Struggling, I gasp for breath. Choking out the air within, I drift away from life to death. Did I live my life so fully? Were my actions for the best? Will they follow my direction? And trod along in emptiness. |
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| © Copyright 2006 papaskins - All Rights Reserved | |||
Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Nicely written... Let us hope that your direction is one that their following will bring rewards..... |
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themute Member
since 2006-05-08
Posts 469Maryland |
You could have developed the fog more as a symbol, is it death or confusion, or are you juxtaposing the two ideas together? it's a good idea, but the story was cut short a little. Make me understand where you are, what you see, how it makes you feel and why. your poem does some of these things, but vaguely. this might mean that you have to think alot more, but thats what poetry and poets are all about, thought. and as a poet, i want to read a writing that makes me think alot. i would hope the same is for you or anyone on this site. "Troubled times reveal so clearly, Special times they seem so small. Step by step, the visions greet me, Painfully I grasp them all." this is a great stanza, the pain is especially acute. there is however, a generality in the phrases like, "Painfully i grasp them all." create a certain intangability in the raw emotions you're trying to convey, they're superficial. tell me what kind of pain your feeling; what kind of painful sadness is this, what does it compair to, what memories specifically are most painful. you see? you obviously have something to say, you just need to express more of it, more of what you really feel/want to say. Don't limit your poems to a quick big picture. with a more infinitesimal presentation, there are more flaws, but the work it's self is better. whether or not you're writing as an amature does not matter whatever, i know thats an excuse alot of people use when confronted with the encouragement of improvement, but really there's no excuse to not want a better ability to express yourself. please take my criticism with both a grain of salt and with the assurence that you have a good poetic mind. If you read this whole thing i thank you, i thank you even if you didn't. I am the two-toed wanderer |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
I guess it's all we can hope for at the end of life... that we lived fully and did our best |
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The Lady Member Rara Avis
since 2005-12-26
Posts 7634The Southwest |
strong poem papa I enjoyed the feeling welcome |
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