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Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

0 posted 2006-11-06 06:07 PM

Madness is the crime they tied to me
With steel frame beds in wards of white
In jacket straight and laced to feed
Me Methadone three times a night.
Wire doors all locked and bolted tight
But nightmares find you as you sleep
On steel beds in jacket straight.
Sharp talons tear my eyes that deep
Down cannot find the tears to weep
And breathing is a cursed disease
In steel jacket beds laid straight
By nurses bleached as wards to ease
My sanity passed doors and keys.
Starch angels, beds, straitjackets steal,
Steel Angels starching jacket beds;
My taloned eyes too hurt to heal
My madness and the crimes it ties to me.

emy
Junior Member

since 2006-11-04

Posts 32

1 posted 2006-11-06 07:24 PM

Hi Grinch,

just noticed that you encourage crits, so if you don't mind them coming from the reading public.

Madness is the crime they tied to me
With steel frame beds in wards of white
In jacket straight and laced to feed
Me Methadone three times a night.
Wire doors all locked and bolted tight
But nightmares find you as you sleep

( perfect iambic tetrameter)

On steel beds in jacket straight.

(this reads iamb-trochee-trochee(scratches head, straight is a stressed word so it can't be hypermetric I don't know what it's called)

Sharp talons tear my eyes that deep

(I wonder if a comma after eyes mightn't help the meaning, I keep stopping at deep and being surprised by the down in the following line)

Down cannot find the tears to weep
And breathing is a cursed disease

(so far all perfect Iambic tetrameter)

In steel jacket beds laid straight

( would this be iamb, trochee,trochee, don't know what the straight here would be called)

By nurses bleached as wards to ease
My sanity passed doors and keys.
Starch angels, beds, straitjackets steal,
Steel Angels starching jacket beds;
My taloned eyes too hurt to heal
My madness and the crimes it ties to me.

I hope I got the scansion right, I really feel as though I'm meter dead, and I'm new here, so if what I wrote is a lod of rubbish I wont be hurt if you say so, so long as you tell me the right answers

I loved this poem btw, the poppy field pantoum stole my heart, its a real beauty and this one is too.

I love the way you play with words, using jacket in diff ways and angels and sanity. The last line I think could be different, more refreshing, it felt like the typical ending to a tale.

cheers
emy

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-02-22

Posts 9353
Michigan, USA

2 posted 2006-11-07 08:06 PM

Certainly, my critique is by far inadequate...I don't know all the formalities, but the flow of this was magnificent...and when I hit a lull...it gave power to the point.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

3 posted 2006-11-07 08:23 PM

I am not so good a judging the form, but I'm prolly an expert on the content.

It's a little less clinical than that and a whole lot more painful.

(Methadone withdrawals feel like your skin is on inside out. *wince*)

Actually, on second thought, maybe it was just less clinical for me.

Well done Grinch.

TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

4 posted 2008-01-06 09:48 PM

tooo real a picture. Love the poem but hate the content. (it touched my heart)

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