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The Wall
| Open Poetry #39 |
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The Wall |
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Ixtab Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 105MEXICAlpan de las tunas |
I trace my flowing steps on desert, river, Earth. I build with whom I meet see tribes that still unheard. My planet is my home I walk, I tread, I follow. I’ve known so many ways From everyone I’ve borrowed. The world is never ending yet we all want the same. Clothe, food, shelter, love and things that keep us sane. I go to glorious Rome and do as Romans do I go to glorious moons and do as mooans do. I also give what little i can I also stretch my heart for all. I take and give, this endless circle With respect and love never impose. I’m everyone so I’m not I. I’m everything and nothing is behind. .... But one day I came upon a fence searchlights, dogs and guns. You can't come in they said you'll steal our jobs and run. This might be true I thought but who'll pick the lettuce that you eat? To work is not a crime it is to let your children die. They said> Take care of your own business go to yours and us to mine But the reasons are quite complex set in the endless pace of time. .... Suddenly I saw another wall and yet another and another Sprouting like mushrooms in the dampest of gutters. How can a human be legal or not? Is not the world for us to fly? How can i walk, and be others? if the others hate me and don't even know why. |
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themute Member
since 2006-05-08
Posts 469Maryland |
I have some suggestions, "They said [>] Take care of your own business" Instead of the arrow, the proper punctuation is a colon. Also, I reckon some condensing would benefit your poem, primarily due to the fact that it isn’t a particularly hard concept to get across to most people. For instance, “I am everyone so I am not I” comes off as redundant, instead you could say I am the personified peoples, or peoples personified, not I but you, eternal. The next fraise reads nonsensical to me, this just seems to need some explaining or clarification. In general, I say this needs more than a little revision, you’re poetry may still be blossoming, I’m not here as a critic, I’m here as a fellow poet who sees that a fellow poet is in need of help in getting the words out effectively. Rants my friend, rant your heart out; in no direction, and in no order. Prose or vers libre (free verse) are you’re best bet at getting better at self-expression, at least that’s what helped me. Good luck lxtab, I hope this helps. I am the two-toed wanderer |
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