Open Poetry #38 |
the moonlit man |
elisalie16 Member
since 2006-07-12
Posts 118new jersey |
the man draped in black, who glimmered with gold, revealed himself to us completely but only a half at a time. his face shone softly, though not quite with warmth and offered solace when we had felt we'd lost our way around the cul-de-sac at the end of the block we grew up on. as he ushered us back to the beds we belonged in your cheekbones rose to form a grin that your eyes had held for so long before. there were slivvers of light that played on your face and told me your name, and to this day i cannot figure out how they reflected so sharply through the cover of night. a forget-me-not hum swirled on your tounge and entwined with your lips to mix with the air that was thick with sweat. my head bowed back for a last moment's glance, before my eyes were squeezed shut and the frosted glass of a window melted against my resting cheek, deepening the tones of pink my fever had began. i flickered my eyes when we started to move, and i saw the man who dressed in night clasp his fingers together and nod his head slowly while the clouds of dust we left behind, to swell and pulse clung to his sunday-best and monday's fear. and though we saw, and maybe even understood the ships we'd caused to sink ... a few quick breaths and a revolving red light were all it took to whisk us away and smash our heads, once more, into feather and silk. |
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© Copyright 2006 Anne - All Rights Reserved | |||
aziza Member Elite
since 2006-07-09
Posts 2995Lumpy Oatmeal makes me Crazy! |
I like this a lot. There are beautiful images in your words. aziza |
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elisalie16 Member
since 2006-07-12
Posts 118new jersey |
thank you very very much aziza |
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elisalie16 Member
since 2006-07-12
Posts 118new jersey |
i actually dont know about this poem. something sounds wrong. anyone have suggestions? |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Anne~ I would tend to agree with you in a feeling that something isn't quite 'right' with this piece~ It doesn't feel complete~ You've got some killer lines of thought in this piece ... maybe make the time to take your time and rework it for a more complete package~ I greatly like it ... but feel that it's worth a self-polishing~ *Huglets* ~*Marge*~ ~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~ |
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The Lady Member Rara Avis
since 2005-12-26
Posts 7634The Southwest |
I am simply astounded and in love with it, Anne. |
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elisalie16 Member
since 2006-07-12
Posts 118new jersey |
thank you thank you. i cant really figure out what exactly it's missing? which portion/thought needs to be elabortated on... |
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
Intimations of Edgar A. Poe in some of it, but you might want to edit it to make it even creepier.....!!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOO...... So... "And I saw the man who dressed in night" is poetry. "Clasp his fingers together and nod his head slowly" is prose. "And to this day I cannot figure out" is just chat! "Revealed himself to us completely" is prose and so on. IMHO I think you should continue with your poetry which you are obviously gifted at, and drop your prose chatter, unless you're writing to a friend.. Hey! don't forget, you're good! And you haven't written 15,000 posts like some who are "natso" good. |
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elisalie16 Member
since 2006-07-12
Posts 118new jersey |
hahaha thank you. i just write. i dont know it doesnt matter to me what it is really. your compliments do mean a lot to me. i actually dont know the differences between poetry prose and so on. some of them are just chatting because its what i think/feel when writing. |
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