navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #37 » i need feed back, this is my first peom
Open Poetry #37
Post A Reply Post New Topic i need feed back, this is my first peom Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
since 2006-05-12
Posts 123
Mesa, Az

0 posted 2006-05-12 11:41 PM

Blind Mans Sight

Dreaming in pixilated art works he distanced himself from reality by making an alternate self.

Watching lamp posts move over head and the cold sound of footsteps on solid concrete beds.

This man thinks about nothing in that what he thinks can’t be explained by simple words instead.

Now gravel is grinding under his feet piercing his ears and his ephemeral murmurs.

Walking into a aimless night trying to fight the demon’s might that is his reoccurring dream.

His sleeplike expression gives way to his fluid motion moving like the sea, over a corpse on the rocks.

The corroding of his mind binds him to a world of ceaseless entrapment gripping him a dead lock to a feeling of force-fed med stocks.

Bleeding from the finger tips pulling on the chains its futile to him to be so fake but being so real would cause heartbreak.

Stuck in a world where snakes and lambs play nice till the silence is broken till the melancholy heart that is glazed with a sort of ego that has no bearing on its precipitant.

because this man only walks into the night hearing the sounds of his flight from himself.

The wind rustles the leaves and moves in a calming breeze that soothes his soul the cold wind moves over him.

Perceptive to anything that’s not sugarcoated and bloodstained he’s made his way to a grave to house of mirrors that reflect his unstable pace he runs into himself and continues with fright but he must shrug off the misfortune of a blind mans sight.

© Copyright 2006 Jose Luis Fabiani Jr. - All Rights Reserved
since 2006-02-07
Posts 477

1 posted 2006-05-12 11:46 PM

whoow..dark but insightful. Enjoyed

maybe you might want to space out the sentences for a easier read?

Just my two cents worth of opinion

since 2006-05-13
Posts 65
United States
2 posted 2006-05-13 05:38 AM

o.k. i liked it alot.  it was very graphic and i think i got the images that went through your head as you wrote this.  you kept it open ended, in other words, you didnt explain to much, so the reader can try to make sense of it and get more meaning.  it had a nice ending, not cutting you off but not saying to much either.  the only thing i can say is to practice practice practice.  and after that write more and more, till the block is gone.  at least, thats what i do...
passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
3 posted 2006-05-13 07:16 AM

Welcome Jose! Glad you joined us!

I like the poem, the theme is a little dark but good. Definitely more spaces/line breaks would make it easier to read so it doesn't seem like it's all running together...if there are line breaks, then the reader has a chance to absorb each line for it's own taking a breath.

Cool write though...I am looking forward to more from you!

Member Elite
since 2003-05-30
Posts 3665

4 posted 2006-05-13 04:32 PM

I enjoyed this gave the reader some good images..and also sounds..but i fear it may need ''chopping'' places it is too convoluted..too much information is in it..most readers will understand poetry and poems if you give them room..give them something to ''look at'' in their mind..

EG...instead of saying ''the cuckoo's song rang out across the green fields..cuckoo..cuckoo'' could say instead..''the cuckoo called.. across fields''...that way you dont ''impose yourself'' on the readers vision..or hearing recollections..most people know what a cuckoo sounds like..and the fields you can let them imagine themselves..being descriptive should only be used if it may lift the poem and elevate it..this is how i think of the all means add colour and pertinent things..but dont muddy the waters so much the reader loses the the thread..thank you for the words...hope this could be of help to you..welcome to pip..


''As the deer pants for steams of water, so my soul pants for you O God''
Psalm 42:1

Senior Member
since 2005-06-12
Posts 1260
Tolerance for a short time
5 posted 2006-05-13 04:51 PM

Read it back to yourself

I'm sorry but it sounds complete nonsense and if you were trying to write a "Harry Potter", I think 'Harry Potter', I think Harry Potter, will survive.

Notice others come through like this.

Makes me wonder whether PipTalk is doing too well


since 2006-05-12
Posts 123
Mesa, Az
6 posted 2006-05-13 05:03 PM

Thanks for all the feedback i really appriciate it all ^_^ keep in mind its my first poems its not perfect by far~ Or at all
Walter Poe
Senior Member
since 1999-10-13
Posts 787

7 posted 2006-05-14 06:54 AM

I liked this and believe my im not easy to please Bodger thinks it sounds like Harry Potter well i think thats a bit strong i've written some BAD poems in my time but everything is just a step to the next. I have a request I posted a poetry challenge read it and reply to it if you can i believe reading your poem you can do it and i don't say that lightly one piece of advice i believe is to write dark look at every bad thing you know or injustice you've felt and keep them in your mind as you write i find it adds passion to the words but how you write is how you write and i don't wish to change your 'muse'.

I went to the desert on a horse with no name, it felt good to get out of the rain.

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #37 » i need feed back, this is my first peom

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary