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Open Poetry #37
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backtash123
Junior Member
since 2006-04-22
Posts 46


0 posted 2006-04-25 10:51 AM


It was a bright and sunny day
iin a place called nowhere
the tree next to me is
full of contours from there
greens fill around me
and clouds surround over
move fast to let the ground know
rain will not be here

imagining I had a great idea
to make it quieter and a better place
asking the earth if she heard me
and whether its soul exist
quiet where I translate
forming more there than was
learning to look past the clouds
the view of the sky

the jurors of nature speak
but I can't hear its voice
I could have prevented it all
its another sign of silence
and negativity
place so whole, it aught be learned
that its an exhange agreed

the greens are greener
nature its own experience
slowly moving in the flow
finding the moonslight
two places, each go today
reminders of sand filled beaches
palm trees ornate tomorrow
another place for experience

these roles of nature are so many
flowers filled some places though
another truth in mystrey
this examination more bold
bringing back the soul to earth
away from the moonlight

© Copyright 2006 backtash123 - All Rights Reserved
backtash123
Junior Member
since 2006-04-22
Posts 46

1 posted 2006-04-25 11:22 AM


the greatest poem ever written
ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353
Michigan, USA
2 posted 2006-04-26 10:54 PM


In reading several of your works, I wanted to compliment your choice of subjects, and applaud the imagery...it is quite fine.
If I might make a suggestion to help you, it would be that the read is a bit difficult.
There is a rythmn written from the heart, as you poured your gift to the page...the reader tries to follow, but at some points trips...breaking the flow, and disrupting the picture.
You might try a different format that lends itself better to the way your thoughts fall...
The longer the verse, the more choppy it becomes when changing line.  Hope that makes sense to you...

For instance:

It was a bright and sunny day in a place called nowhere
The tree next to me full of contours from there
Greens fill in around me, the clouds surround

Overhead moves faster
To let the ground know
Rain will not be here

You have much talent to share

TD

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