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Open Poetry #37

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DejaEntendu
Member

since 2005-12-06

Posts 82
Pennsylvania

0 posted 2006-02-28 03:28 PM

hey everyone,
been a little while, thought I'd post something I wrote this morning. Please let me know what you think of it.

White pupils,
stare skyward,
and as the rain pours,
it won't erase the haze,
and they only become more reliant.
But they'll continue to put their faith,
in traveling blindly,
to face the solemn figure,
who won't approach-
buried on a shelf,
are their years,
capturing their memories,
for future generations.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2006-02-28 06:57 PM

Perhaps a loss of some
of the commas
let the lines stand alone?

I use commas, as necessary
in some of my lines,
and I've been accused,
rightfully so!
of using too many ellipses...
but I did note that you used
a comma at each line's end.

Other than that, I enjoyed your view.

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