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Flaming June
| Open Poetry #36 |
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Flaming June |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
 Soft, lay down the body languid, The sheen of gold-red folded liquid Caressing creamy flesh so sonsy. Heat waves curvy, rise from such fields, Temptation too early, capture what yields From terrain so tantalizingly lovely. Yet patient I will be, and wait For June will rise to me, and in The harvest moon's orange light We will pass a lovers' night. ------ Just sitting there staring at the print of one of my favs and it popped in my head almost fully formed. Maybe I dreamed it like coleridge. Anyway, since it is a rare first draft posting, any critiques are especially welcome. -majnu -------------------------------------- Timid thoughts be not afraid. I am a Poet. [This message has been edited by majnu (12-12-2005 11:02 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2005 Zaheer Abbas Ali - All Rights Reserved | |||
Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Zaheer~ I peeked in on this one earlier and couldn't see it ... SO glad you got it fixed. It's lovely~ 'sonsy' ? ... and perhaps 'carressing' (caressing) and 'Temptaion' (temptation) could all be fixed with an edit to make this a grand presentation~ (I only mention it because your critique says so) Merry Christmas~ *Huglets*  ~*Marge*~ ~*No matter what I search for ... |
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MGROVES
since 2004-02-01
Posts 3802california |
absolutely georgous  My spirit will rise |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
Marge, Thanks. Sonsy, is an archaicish word for pleasingly curvacious or voloptuous. somehow voloptuous or buxom or curvy just seemed wrong. the lady's beauty is not of the vulgar kind. groves, thanks! -majnu -------------------------------------- Timid thoughts be not afraid. I am a Poet. |
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Brian James Member
since 2005-06-26
Posts 147Winnipeg |
Majnu, Also like Coleridge, your little note to the poem brings a lot to it, more even than the painting. Captioning is a spectacular process, be it to a dream or to a picture on the computer screen. After all, isn't all poetry a kind of captioning? One of the things I like most about this poem is your use of sound symbolism... a lot of the words are phonetically similar, and those similarities tend to link them to one another conceptually in a sort of blend (much like a painter applies hues and layers). Especially like gold-red/fold-ed, languid/liquid, sheen/creamy/curvy/early, and such. If you choose to revise this poem I'd suggest amplifying this stylistic device as much as you can, especially since its force gradually diminishes as the poem goes on. Otherwise, I can't say a whole lot. The poem might seem a bit more loving if you got rid of words with sinister connotations (capture, tantalizing) in favour of the softer and more mellow tone you achieve early on. Perhaps this could be done by drawing out the harvest metaphor. Unless, of course, you intended to have an element of carnal restraint in the poem... Either way, great work. Glad I got the opportunity to read this. Good luck in further drafts. Brian |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
majnu, what a treat! I greatly enjoyed the way you presented your impressions of this dreamy creamy sensual painting. And I always loved reading Coleridge. |
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