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exhale
Senior Member

since 2003-06-13

Posts 646
Alberta,Canada

0 posted 2005-12-09 12:17 PM

The frost on the windows
pieces out the scenery
sheer spots here and there

all that I see is light.

don't you see it?
don't you see my
red
ripe
lips
with the frost slowly, slowly
creeping.

don't you feel my warm hands
writing on the cold window
writing with my breath
ingraining my life
onto its surface
fingers to ice.

with my
red
ripe
lips
turning blue.

with your warmth
and my words
let the frost come.

sorry didn't mean to post this twice.

[This message has been edited by exhale (12-10-2005 05:17 PM).]

Juju
Member Elite

since 2003-12-29

Posts 3429
In your dreams

1 posted 2005-12-09 12:37 PM

I do say I have missed your poetry.

-JUJU

Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic

The dictionary never lies.... I am magical (;

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

2 posted 2005-12-09 01:52 AM

nice work here, if you don't mind a little critique, there are one or two changes that could really strengthen this, if not just ignore this because it still works well. please don't think i'm attacking or being harsh at all, i've been enjoying your work and think a little tightening could really help

'with some sheer spots here and there'
seems a little clunky, maybe cut 'some' or even 'with some' out? and 'all that i see is light' may work better seperated from the other lines, a little more striking

'with the frost slowly, slowly'
subtract the with

'writing' one t

'letting it ingrain my life..'

ingraining my life.. works better

Goldenrose
Member Elite

since 2003-05-30

Posts 3665

3 posted 2005-12-09 05:54 AM

Aenimal may be correct i can see what he means, but you have written an economy of words already, so maybe to edit more words would be stripping the lean carcass...i think it is ok as it is...once a poet has written their work...it is finished and nobody should attempt to change it once you are confident it is finished...when you have finished and commited it to here or a book..it does not belong to the poet anymore..it is the readers and they may get what they wish from it...enjoyed the write..thank you..

Goldenrose.

Desire for nothing except desirelessness,hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes, want nothing and you will have everything.avatar Meher Baba.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

4 posted 2005-12-09 03:43 PM

Here you are!

Silly me--I thought you'd been spanked when I saw the other locked!

I enjoyed this much. Sometimes I tell people I can "see" them in the poem, but in this instance, I saw the lovely reflection of you in the glass.

Much enjoyed, lady.

exhale
Senior Member

since 2003-06-13

Posts 646
Alberta,Canada

5 posted 2005-12-10 05:15 PM

thank you all for the lovely comments.
I agree with you aenimal. I think that by, as you say, 'tightening' those few lines, could really make it a bit more...arresting?
But I also agree with golden rose, when a poet deems a work done, then it is not theirs anymore. But sometimes, when little things could make it much better, then to me that is the exception.

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

6 posted 2005-12-10 06:48 PM

absolutely, in the end it's what you feel most comfortable with. i only suggested the change as i tend to lean towards a 'less is more' approach. i think we're often guilty of writing that extra word or phrase simply because it sounds 'poetic'.

enjoy your work and just thought i'd throw in an alternate view. but what do i know, just read through my archives the other day and with the exception of perhaps 10 poems, i wanted to burn/erase the whole lot of them. lol

exhale
Senior Member

since 2003-06-13

Posts 646
Alberta,Canada

7 posted 2005-12-10 07:27 PM

I know exactly what you mean.
lately I've become a big fan of 'less is more', to me it just makes what you're saying more meaningful, without having to hide behind words and hope people understand.
does that make sense?
trust me, I'm glad you said something, because I was feeling something just wasn't quite flowing right and I knew it.
Just so you know, if it were up to me, I would delete over 80% of the poems I've put on here lol.

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