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Open Poetry #36
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Of an Internal war
| Open Poetry #36 |
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Of an Internal war |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams 
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I sit two seats behind you and pretend I don't see you oh you have withered and died your once strong arms are now weak and your blue eyes are more gray and all I can think about is to embrace you again Your eyes are full of shadows Ghosts that will not go away and your face bares new creases You look hungry and alone And all I can do is whisper "how did we become all this" Knowing that I still loved him. Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic The dictionary never lies.... I am magical (; [This message has been edited by Juju (11-05-2005 04:02 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2005 Juju - All Rights Reserved | |||
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I understand this and even empathize, I just have a practical nature at times, despite my reputation. When you open that you sit two seats behind him in the first stanza, the longing hits home nicely, so simply stated in the short second stanza, yet there is no sequeway to the eyes you describe in the third. It could be me, lovie, I dunno. I'm pretty dense at times, but I missed the exit to that bridge. Otherwise, I loved the premise of close distance, and empathize with that conflct of longing and distance aptly displayed in your last stanza. (and I assumed the bus, the traveling, a nice touch I thought, but I assumed that) I felt it, but it didn't go coherent in me head. but then, love is like that.  (But I do think you should save this, and work that bus stop analogy work better for you.) Much love and luck, and I did enjoy.  k |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
Hmm... pehapps it doesn't, but yes then again I would hate to take it out. In this poem it is really a battle between feelings I still have for him and my self knowing he is a different person. I Guess I could take out the third stanza, I must amit that I am not satisfied with it, but I won't. I did see some errors I need to fix... I like to jump subjects ocassionally in a poem, but when I do it is always done in a pattern and serves a purpose. I may rewirte this poem later redoing the third stanza, but in this poem its a war. I know exactly how wrong it is to switch subjects, but I felt like it so I did  Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic The dictionary never lies.... I am magical (; |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
I sit two seats behind you and pretend I don't see you oh you have withered and died your once strong arms are now weak and your blue eyes are more gray And all I can do is whisper "how did we become all this" Knowing that I still loved him. If I were to redue it I would take out the middle stanza's though. I think that this is better... perhaps' -Juju |
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