i have this in critical analysis but no1s replying

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Open Poetry #36

i have this in critical analysis but no1s replying

the kid
Junior Member

since 2005-06-24

Posts 16

0 posted 2005-11-01 07:50 PM

The Feeling

Do you know that feeling,
to not be wanted,
for no one to care,
just to look and stare,
at the kid who had something,
something once there,
and now he has nothing,
now hes so bare,
the kid who thinks life is so very unfair,
well i know that feeling,
it makes me so scared,
it makes me have fears,
that i have nobody here,
that nobody cares,
this is the feeling that lifes made me fear,
the one that for years has put me in tears,
this is the feeling,
the feeling i fear.

Tell me what you think and kinda just criticize it.

DennisTheMenace
Member

since 2005-09-04

Posts 240

1 posted 2005-11-01 08:11 PM

I can understand how you’d be upset no one responded to this ‘pecially since it’s about no being wanted & all.
My take on it
(& I ain’t no great poet)
Lotta emotion, pretty good expression, just a touch wordy or more repeating, could it be honed down a little bit? Not sure
But anyway, I like it, but it don’t cheer me up much

aujussy wolf

Senior Member

since 2003-08-09

Posts 1215
Michigan

2 posted 2005-11-01 08:24 PM

this is the feeling that lifes made me fear,
the one that for years has put me in tears,
this is the feeling,
the feeling i fear.

....
its a good thing to face your fears
to put it all on the table
and to overcome the crippling fear
that clouds your minds eye
~wolf

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

3 posted 2005-11-01 09:29 PM

I recommend that you be patient...there is
not an overly large amount of participation
within the CA forum.  Also,  I noted that
you do not encourage critique in your profile,
this could confuse some members.

My take on the poem is there are a number
of lines with ending rhymes that are
very similar or repeat an earlier usage in
another line.  You might also want to condense
some of the lines and remove words that are
not needed/can be deleted without impacting
on the meaning.

The poem has a lot of feeling expressed and
there is no harm in that.  Hang in there,
someone will come in the door...

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