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Open Poetry #35
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que sera
| Open Poetry #35 |
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que sera |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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Nothing in another day silk so raw--it rubs like this laughing love's propensity staring at my knees I dream of bicycles and brushburn screams knowing that's the least of it squeezing lids to wrinkles I wish that I could shut pain out as I tighten rollerskates my key on yarn is dangling centerpiece of woman sob Hanging there between the knobs that ache to grow into the breasts that would fit my mother's bra or something that would hang, at least These, the dreams of these flat rings suckle me a child and I'll watch the eyes intensity in the curling edge of leaf and clover lures a bumblebee dancing on the edge of grief flowering my crowns as I gather twinings nervously braided for the buzzing threes dancing bears in pink tu-tu's - a pendulum upon my chest of thump-d-dum and que sera tra la la l-la la la "poof" and now it's gone I blinked hurrying my life along as if I had somewhere to go "Mama? Mama? Are you there?" Tell me why I had to ask if you loved me tugging sleeve worried that you might say no, why oh why did I not know (because--because?) it never showed for children do not understand the bottom line of books and debt and clocks are circles of regret spinning days away I wish that you would have looked suprised that I felt the need to ask. |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
'never smile at a crocodile no you can't get friendly with a crocodile' this made me channel peter pan -- and the crocodile time chasing us all -- seems to go by so fast because we're running away from it -- but -- perhaps better to be swallowed by the moment... hear the wisdom of the late night infomercial 'but wait there's more'  luvya k |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Karen This touches so many places ....I can hardly reply.  |
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Nightshade 
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962just out of reach |
spinning days away I wish that you would have looked suprised that I felt the need to ask No...you shouldn't have felt the need to ask. Not then, not now, not ever. Hugging you, Chrislane |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Very nice...James |
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timothysangel1973
since 2001-12-03
Posts 1725Never close enough |
quote: Aint that the way it always is... I loved this Serenity.... Tima |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
When young I was always told not to wish my life away, now, understanding the value of life even more because of the loss of it... I wish life away even more. That's the irony of it, I guess. That's what this reminded me of, though it likely may have nothing to do with what you mean. Either way, though, it touched me. Thank you, and hang in there.Always, Alyssa He was a man of sorrows |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
She screams through every pore of my skin, now white and withering dying on the vine, that crying child. A rose . . . clutched in winter's bony fingers. Yet she refuses to let me be and she doesn't trust me, you know? She tries to remind me of the berries blooming on the strawberry bushes and wants me to take a bite of the wild radishes. I refuse, of course - tossing my head back with one hand brushing the hair from my eyes, telling her to STOP! and act her age. That games are for children and this is a world for adults. She never listens. All I can do is take her hand and we walk with each other - woman and child. Burning our feet bare upon the desert sand, thirsty for an answer we will never receive. ------------------------------------ You blew me away up there, Lady. My love to you, Karen. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I remember summers then the streets would crumble in the bake they used to fill the cracks with tar (now crack and tar mean different things) but even then I was amazed I'd walk the centerline and watch the bubbles rising in the heat I busted them with my bare toe the bottoms of my feet were black from all my wandering the street my mother hollering at me "Why oh why won't you wear shoes?" I guess because I couldn't feel the bust of bubbles through the sole So I left tiny little toeprints tarred on my mama's kitchen floor yanno? It was worth the spanking too. (tell me more, Sue...you blew ME away too...tell me more) |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
I can't even write because I am sitting here with a HUGE smile on my face . . . (thank you) I saw those toeprints missy and I saw you looking with such big ole' eyes tryin to get away from that spankin' . . . |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhh shaddup and WRITE tell me more and? please, everybody feel free to remember, feeling free... |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
The wind spoke to me today as I stood by the Lake. Her breath froze my bones as I wondered when Spring was coming. If it was ever to come this year. Looking out upon her, I lit a smoke, checked my watch and stood by myself - watching the most beautiful sunset. And then it came. It spattered my face, tiny droplets of spit - reminding me of every dirty little deed every awful horrid thing I had done. It burned, the spittle, and I tried to wipe it off but each time my hand crept to my face, it was slapped away by her breath, fierce and fiery as a maelstrom. I felt the tears well, and tried to hold them back, but they came, My God, how they came - pouring down my cheeks and I was five, I was five years old and there I was all chubby cheeks wearing ill fitting clothes that used to belong to my sister. There I was, standing on those banks, crying, because my fifteen minutes of "me" time was up and it was time to go back to work. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I often used to wonder why on those days of witnessing watching strangers cry I would always offer them a hug but they would duck as though I were offering arms that were a flame as if as if I would hurt them I didn't understand until now that at times it is too much and love is not a comfort but a blanket coarse with itchy wool on skin that is still sensitive from the ones that came before Now I understand too much knowing I know not at all like the time I argued that I cast no shadow in the fall gazing into sun that lied the shadows were still tall behind me and my four feet. She didn't do me favors then showing me that it was there turn around and look, you'll see now I know they're everywhere doing everything I do She was not a friend of mine. But Oh I loved her so... Sometimes touch is just too much. Sometimes it is just too soon. Sometimes tho, it's just enough, and that cow still jumps the moon I wish the fork had run away with the spoon I learned to use. I guess it had to be that way what with me, hot tar, & noon... And no it ain't regret I feel it's just feelings I tried not to feel, I took the long shortcut traveling where wild things are puzzling the sand, the beach and why the jabberwockies ate oysters as they begged for life remembering they were polite as they went in for the kill... Here. I wave to you a hug. Knowing that it hurts to touch burns that are still blistering. And a kiss might be too much but I pray you know the peace I'm sending backwards home to you. Little girls get lost sometimes. So little girls should be renewed with a precious drop of pure feeling travel glistening down my cheek to wet my lips upon my fingers blowing kiss as I see you both in you.  And yes, I love you too. |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
Just have to add... I'm loving (and tearing up) reading the poems you two are writing here. Absolutely awesome. Oh and out here on my country road they still fill the cracks with tar, and I still pop the bubbles barefoot, though I'm the one who was to clean the kitchen floor. It's worth it... He was a man of sorrows |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
this was magnificant...the imagry locked me in and took me to your place...perhaps reminding the reader, that these moments are precious enough to wallow in...you, caputure life in all it's essense, a very talented poet you are...thanks so much for you. |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
K this is brilliant and the replies I am reading here are such wonderful reads.......Hugs.... |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
smile... I kind of consider this a duet with Sue/littlewing actually...I think somehow there's pieces of all in there somewhere. Hugs and thanks for reading. And GG? grins...I kinda had you pegged for tar bubble popper. (And bubble wrap? Forget about it! It's confiscated from me immediately as I have a method that allows me to get sometimes three pops per bubble...)  nod A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.  Love to all. |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
oh tar bubbles...sorry...I had to come back to this. YES, I loved tar bubbles back then as a child walking the country roads that we lived on and still do the tar bubble thing now... thank you thank you for the memories... |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Looking to the East, I stood raw and unbridled, as a crazy mare that no one wishes to break. My feet firmly planted, roots spiralling into the dirt - passing through the ceilings of beetle and mole. Each tip of my toes peeking into their lives, asking for the time of day or simply watching life unwind, simple as it may seem to some. Each season brought me different emotions, welling up into my trunk traversing throughout my limbs, crashing straight between my eyes. And I met them all, head on and ready. Never faltering, never losing control. Always ready for the next snowfall, the icestorm, the first fall of my precious children. Only to bear witness to the beautiful rebirth of my babies. Even the Sun had nothing on me. I never lost my skin, like the others seemed to do. My tresses stood high and proud. If they did fall, they made beds for the doe and her family. They were needles. My limbs did not know the feel of arms about me, nor the winds' whispering kiss at nightfall. I never felt the Sun when she was helping me to grow, I only felt her hot breath upon my neck. The cool showers of Spring only brought me tears and the icey gaze of Winter bade me farewell, laughing as I, myself, was frozen in time. I stood alone, and I chose to, I guess. I mean that was all I knew from the day I started to root. I stand now, strong and proud. Still bearing that stony glaze, but now welcoming each embrace of life, each passing season, every single encounter - as if it were my last. I once knew not what it felt to have arms about me. It burned my skin, as you say, sent my temperature to boiling, blushed my cheeks like a fine merlot. I know now what comfort feels like for you alone, from distance even, have taught me exactly what it means to be loved. I accept your arms and your kiss, My Lady, through you, I am able to be myself. ------------------------------------------- Thank you Karen . . . you have always and will continue to inspire me, I will never forget you sitting with toes tapping, pointer in hand, telling me not to WRITE, but to FEEL. I love you too, always. Be good to yourself. That is some of the best writing I have done in a long time and the most beautiful words I have seen from your pen. I offer YOU MY arms . . . Love, Susie I took the long shortcut traveling where wild things are Ha! - that line is priceless . . . |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
"Little girls get lost sometimes. So little girls should be renewed" Nodding and wiping tears as so many memories come flooding back. Hugging both you Karen, and Sue.. what a marvelous write and thread!! |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
for children do not understand the bottom line of books and debt and clocks are circles of regret spinning days away I wish that you would have looked suprised that I felt the need to ask. ~*~ when you were too busy for the constant pleas ignoring the pull of my need, I resolved to be not like you, ..."to listen," would be my creed... you were wrapped in somewhere else, another time, perhaps another beau and no one asked of your memories, it was somewhere you couldn't go... you fooled me all along, for only now the puzzled pieces fit and I am left to wonder out loud what to make of all of it. What secrets left in me to leave in quiet hope children won't grieve over something needy that I had done... some truth that couldn't see the sun. |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
inspiration seeps from this thread... much love. (not anywhere the talent above but my .02..) That day, oh faithful day That brought such hate and betrayal Was the turning point for me Before that day I was but A tiny piece of prey For that which would hunt But I found myself, solitude, desire to move beyond the black and white of hurt. Spending time alone Became my happiness Walking the roads Smelling the earth Sitting under my tree Seeing a production in leaves Watching the sky tell stories I became a writer in my head I swam the lake Water being my calm, sandy bottom my foundation (shifting with a necessity) Sunning on the dock Watching big mouth bass jump as if to protest the bounds Of its always wet world I didn’t find what I needed at home I found it in the solitude of My explorations Be it in my mind or the arms of nature I still love walks And my lake has become an ocean I still love the smell of rain And grass stains on my bottom And I don’t call home very often. "too bad ignorance isn't painful" ~Unknown~ |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Good Grief! Martie where are you? This is spectacular ladies (all.) I sure wish I could write out my memories this well. Susan, I feel yours right in the marrow of my soul, all too familiar for me. If I could I surely would have written this myself, and wish I did! Before that day I was but A tiny piece of prey For that which would hunt But I found myself, solitude, desire to move beyond the black and white of hurt. Now, I will go get Martie, then print these to keep for save keeping. Thank you all for waking my heart to feel today. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
We were too close, you and I, I could hear your thinking in my heart oft wondering of your loves when you twinkled in light before his glow in his for you... you shared some stories with only me, but never the why of them, only the wry of them... that would pop out at me like Jack-in-the-box even though the handle hadn't been turned for quite some time... if you were to remember my first run away time, what would you recall? That I carefully packed up my few possessions of three years and four months, what did you say that I would leave? But there you were, with a brown bag full of love, peanut butter and jelly, which didn't taste too good through salty tears only two houses down. Did you hate me that much? Or did I remind you of your youth in patent leather shoes, and ankle socks, had I dared say no? Much later I learned of the love your father lavished on you, the four prom dresses in one year, one for each change of mind before the dance commenced... when my own was borrowed from a loving aunt. Were you here now, you could follow these rambling golden bricks accusing me again of thinking too much... but now that I know more, you would have to sit, and talk this time, splay out what was, so I might know why I am this way... |
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kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
No writer can ask more than that his or her writing lifts others to pause, remember, grin or curse, and find parallels to what you said. You covered it all for me. Thanks, Karen. Ken |
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icebox Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383in the shadows |
Fiera niña, qué eres, yo era; como soy, tú serás. Como tú serás, tú serás te. |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Che Sera? you've gone and collapsed me..again M'lady Serenity, heh, that's a good thing.. oh yes a very good thing *smile* miss you Mxx "we all have wings, but some of us don't know why" |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Charly? You floored me. As did all you ladies who shared. (mah maree, I know you have something to share too, and somebody make Sharon-Mysteria post hers!  )smiling wide What a lovely thing that happened here--we get a rare glimpse of the inner beauty of the beauties of Pip. thank you all But charly gets a kiss. |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
I didn't understand until now that at times it is too much and love is not a comfort but a blanket coarse with itchy wool on skin that is still sensitive from the ones that came before ---------------------------------- oh baby...when I read this part early this morning it knocked the wind from my mothy heart like a kick in the chest...as always your timing is uncanny ... damn... .... .... ..... (ykikykik)  |
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inkedgoddess Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
Posts 7392Ohio |
dangle dreams by the sea full mama rose, i sit there,the little girl on the half shell while the calamities and serenities danced through eachother on the water's heels, you spoke of magic worlds that twired on colored pinwheels, then covered my eyes when the waves got too stormy, you shielded me and the baby sis form the harder life you knew, bless you mama, you wrapped me in a sea colored blanket, and kept me warm with imagination but insulated it with hesitations of views beyond the blockade of waves, as i strained to see if its warm respite beyond the galloping waves that jump the fences, or a spiral's descent where the mud never clears? i offered a toe,then took it back afraid, too many times , left to wonder, these days, i've grown reckless instead, skipping signs of caution, having tired of slow walks on tip toe, now holding my breath, and my own hand, i flirt with exposure of who i now am, dance on my possible tombstone all the while, as i'm loving the dare. |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
La verdad habla por el Hielo.  and he deserves a kiss...lucky guy.Sharon? I too, think you should post...if need be you can edit before doing so..(but I happen to think it's raw truth that produces beauty) Karen? you always spawn such honest emotion..and I am glad you do. "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
I adore this thread OMG what a beautiful display of writers who are not afraid to show what is beyond their skin. You guys already know I am half nuts anyhow and My God, this is just beauty. Karen? Bless you for starting this, I want to see it thrive . . . and if it goes off the boards . . . somebody bump it . . . Sharon? Post it already, sheesh . . . I tried to get her to do it K . . . Maree . . . Martie . . . this is screaming for you both and actually for everyone . . . not just the ladies . . . men . . . fess up . . . I learn soooo much from all of you. Kari, Susan . . . *shaking head* you guys blew me away . . . (Michele . . . my Jersey sis - THAT was beautiful) Somebody better start writing or my big ole' mouth will start flapping again . . . |
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kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
"We’re captive on the carousel of time We can’t return we can only look behind From where we came And go round and round and round In the circle game" - Joni Mitchell ca the Sixties Hustling through time takes so much from us. When my children were young, I provided for them rather than giving them my time. Now that my grandchildren are here, I give them time. I have learned what only time can teach, but offer to those with little ones. As Littlewing offers, this is a great thread. Through rubble and trouble and dark of night |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
You are all so very beautiful people with such beautiful souls. K? Love ya sweetie....hugs. [This message has been edited by Gentle Spirit (05-06-2005 09:13 AM).] |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Words cannot express how deeply I felt your words. The resignation and ultimate acceptance of "que sera" strikes a chord within me. Yes, my glorious friend, whatever will be, will be. By learning to go with the flow, as you appear to be doing, can bring us peace when there appears to be no port in the storm. A safe haven dwells within your poetic and wise heart. As you travel through life ~ experiencing both the highs and the painful lows, you somehow manage to let your serenity shine through the most distressing of times. Much is to be gained for the readers of your poetry. You don't hide from your feelings nor do you hide them from others. You are real, you are brave of heart ~ and you are one hell of a fine poet!!! Love & Living Light, Linda xo |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Well this morning Janet Marie sent around her latest "Shutterfly Album" pictures, and in this current load of Passion's resident photographer's great photos, I saw this picture and it sure spoke to me. She has given me permission to use it. I find it easier speaking through art.  The black seeds of why ~ Still they weed and tangle my soul. I never understood why, Probably never will. Why was I was even born at all? Perhaps a bit of glue? Something pretty, pink, and girly Meant to bond together Two floundering, half dead souls Without the time nor patience, Destined for a wild ride to Hell. I had it all and nothing, Nothing but the best and worst. Never knowing what cheek to turn, To wear a slap or an unwanted kiss. Each day I simply wondered why Starting out with a knotted throat Stifling a smothered cry. One day he finally ‘came.’ Instantly I knew I would forever Reek of guilt and shame’s foul stench. I felt his pure evil growing inside me, In wide-eyed innocence I still knew. I was but an offering to their God. Destined to wear his cross, Both inside and out forever. A virgin offering for personal gain, Turned out, just one of three you see. An item of show and tell, Or not to tell, Depending on who you were. The question of what to do with me now Finally got their attention. It was on that very day, I knew God was my friend. “They” didn’t have a chance. He took the demon’s seed that morning, Lifting it from me to heaven’s keep. I simply rolled over to sleep, whispering, “If I should die before I wake.” But cried when I woke and didn’t. My life, a roller coasters ride, One day twirling around in glee So all could see the cute of me. The other locked away and silenced, Like special Sunday china Waiting to be used, and used again. Years passed too slowly Spent looking over my shoulder, Jumping at any touch Hiding in trenches of shame and blame. By day I played the waiting game Gritting teeth to hurry age. It came, I ran. Still I bear scars outside and in, While those demons rot as devil's dust. Still I wait for the answer To the only question in my life That mattered. I was of their seed's seed, I will always wonder, “Why?” They made me so strong, For that I thanked them, and, Forgave them long ago for me. But never will I know the answer to "Why?" Porqué ~ cuál será sea. To explain a bit, my grandfather was a sick sadist, who molested all his grandchildren, and not just me. He was a rich, and powerful man who got away with it, until one day I became old enough to turn him in, and I did with the help of a friend's Mother. He died in jail, a very lonely old man, and we were never sure if he felt remorse or not. He maimed some of us a bit more than others, and one cousin still resides in a mental institution 50 years later. I did NOT let him stop me from becoming all that I could be, and try to tell others through my work with children that are abused, that you can move on, and you will. It is all in making sure to tell someone you trust about it, then work toward forgiving your opressor, and also yourself. For, as "HE" said, "Forgive them for they know not what they do." Serenity (you suit that name by the way,), this thread has opened a can of worms for a lot of people here, which shows how many keep their secrets inside, and this cleansing is as they say, a very good thing for writers and readers alike. Ron has a created a safe place for all to heal and to offer healing to others I think don't you? [This message has been edited by Mysteria (05-05-2005 02:31 PM).] |
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Nightshade
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962just out of reach |
I have a story to tell too.... but it's very long, very tangled like the inside of a huge box of old Christmas decorations. The strings of lights are knotted and messy.... bulbs are missing. My favourite hanging figures have body pieces missing... scares me to look but I must... be brave.... tell her she looks.. beautiful still. And she is, though abit lopsided like this decoration here... an angel with one wing. Did I really disappoint at such a young age? Yes. Too late to make up for much. Hold this string of lights out tight with me... please... fix it !! Replace what's missing and repair damage done. Where's the glue?! The kind that binds everything and anything. Oh ya..... it dried up. Throw it all back in the box. Christmas is still a long, long, way off and you always liked summer best. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Chris? Honey? The lights will hang, this year, fragile and brilliant... but yes, dear, there will be light... |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Head up, shoulders back.. pause listen for your cue.. and smile!' You were always there in the wings reminding us to smile. hocus pocus..flowers from the air abracadabra bow to the fanfare! give them a smile..a bow and a wink little sisters young and tiny god what did people think? 'don't look so nervous! ' ..but but, the rabbit...oh no! it didn't appear the top on the prop ....stuck! smile for my next trick... that's when it all started the anxiety, panic and fear 'now, don't let it show..girls, smile through your tears'. hocus pocus..flowers from the air abracadabra bow to the fanfare! Just look at our pip pics can you see we're still smiling through divorces, illness, the panic attacks and fear yes..all through our lives.. you've been standing right there in the wings prompting your girls through their fears and their tears 'Head up..shoulders back.. pause first.. ...first you smile. ' =========================================== Come Chris..hold your big sister's hand. I'll help you untangle your life. Thank you Serenity for this thread.. Blessings to all my 'sisters' here. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
*touching the screen* You are all so precious to me. I love you all. Thanks so much for this, I consider it a very special personal gift. typing through tears here--sisters don't die. |
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adagio Member
since 2005-03-19
Posts 449Marrero, La. |
A while ago I posted two replys to this work but for some reason they did not show up or maybe they did and I can't find them. Any way I loved this one and I don't want to repeat myself, . |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Sisters don't die. There's a forever in that. |
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Nightshade
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962just out of reach |
There is no beginning and no end to "sisterhood." |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
Innocence in her eyes, sparkling stars sharing memories of another world’s perfect harmony, a child’s smile full of expectance for the treasures of love a tender rosebud trusting the sun an empty basket aching for flowers, outstretched arms asking to taste the sweetness of shelter to feel the warmth known in the womb before being launched into this tough school of life a tender rosebud trusting the sun Greedy old hands brushing tender lips meant to part only for the purest songs of paradise. Smiles fading, clouds gathering, lightning out of the blue sky harmony shattered. Soft petals crushed. Why? a tender rosebud once trusting the sun, now forever afraid to bloom … * * * Captured by the depth and beauty of your poetry shared in this amazing thread, I set out to explore my own emotions …. Thank you! Love, Margherita |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
You know I got so wrapped up in this thread I forgot to acknowledge your poem and to mention that these lines were like nails on a chalkboard to me, (that's a good thing.) I didn't understand until now that at times it is too much and love is not a comfort but a blanket coarse with itchy wool on skin that is still sensitive from the ones that came before Now I understand too much You can say things in a way that they are truly meant to be said - and these lines are all too true. Great writing Karen, the original poem and this one as well. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
I am so proud and grateful to have all of you by my side. Such utter beauty . . . Such strong souls . . . and Nancy? That line about our pxs? Sooo true . . . I loved those lines too Sharon and you, Lady I applaud for being so brave even if you didn't always feel like that. Karen? *bowing to you* You guys are amazing . . . I am so happy I am a part of all of this. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I keep reading this thread and I laugh, and I cry, and I smile and I am amazed and yes, so honored that you all trust me with the inner sanctum of yourselves. (And yes, there are folks I miss, but I understand too, it just might not be the day for you to don a coarse wool blanket.) Sharon? That was so brave of you lovie...and Margherita? you floored me with the wonder of your presence here, such beauty. I would have love to have been visited by Maureen, Kit, Nan, PdV, Kaoru, and tsk...Maree--you've so much to say, but I know much of it so I shall hush, Sadie? Iliana? Marge? Kathleen? Martie? Bluesy? Elizabeth Santos? and GG...smile, yes you. Lauren, Sea, so many more of you that make up the all of me. Forgive me for those I forget, but yanno? should you feel an urge, post! (just point me in the right direction, lest I miss) But instead of pushing always harder for "more", perhaps it's best to let some page show through too. I want to thank Michelle too, for showing the tender underside and allowing vulernable to show through, and Susan Caldwell? C'mere, lady. I adore you yanno. You make me feel like...grrrrrrrrrrrowlin' grin...Angelina?Littlewing, Kari? You are constant joy. I really do love this thread too. So much beauty... and pssst...guess what? We just got a trampoline. Ya'll wanna come over and play?  |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
Wow, nothing like a trampoline to let go of tensions ... did that with my children, what fun, but oh ... it was some time ago! It might be a "risky business" now?! May you enjoy it dear Karen!  I need to thank you once again for the "compelling inspiration" to touch a theme, that was untouchable until now! Love and hugs. Margherita |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
"I would have loved to have been visited by..." Gee...if we keep this at the top, y'think there's a chance it will be seen by them, too?   |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
This is such a beautiful sharing of hearts and souls. Truly amazing and touching. Karen thank you for this sweetie.  |
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kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
In rereading this thread for the nth time, feeling the outpouring and sharing of emotion, it comes to me once again that we males "just don't get it." It is not about testosterone battles in the boardroom or playground or court or golf course (but they determine our lives); it is not about finery and chemical lawns and SUVs; it is about the sharing of love with others as is evident from so many supportive posts here. Ken Through rubble and trouble and dark of night |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
serenity, Thank you so much for this thread of humanity and love. It has become a book ! One that should be published ! I have printed it all and will put it into a notebook binder, and keep adding to it as it grows. Ron and others how about it ? I cannot write of deep sadness but I can empathize. I have had a pretty sheltered life as a child. Married at sixteen, very naive. But we had a good marriage of 47 years until he left in death. Six children thirteen grandchildren and three great grandchildren later, it is sad he is not here to see them all. Had our share of ups and downs. But came through it with love stronger and more mature. I guess I have not had enough sadness in my life to become a writer or a poet. But woman, I sure do enjoy the reading of all you wonderful "sisters" here at PIP. I thank Kristi sue for sending me here to find Dixie. Dixie was my internet daughter and I had missed her. I need to say Thank You to all who have contributed to this thread. It was not easy I am sure to be so open and to renew those wounds. I can not imagine what you have lived through and admire you all for your talent, your wit and strength. sisterly / motherly love to you all, marty |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Dear Marty, (Karen hope you don’t mind?) I know this is Serenity's thread but if I may? It was not until I came to this site could I even talk about my past to anyone but those highly paid "professionals" who couldn't crack me to get my story out. When you are abused you can hide things so deep inside you no one can get at them. Through the love of a few good friends in here, and after loosing the only one person, (besides her Mother,) I ever trusted in my entire life, I made a few "virtual friends" in Passions. Through their encouragement, love, and friendship I went back to the University to deal with “my issues.” By the way, I have more than you read here, but they too are behind me now. I was already out there helping every Jane and Judy, as I sure could talk the talk, but myself had not yet walked the walk in getting my life back to reality really. I was so good at covering it up with success, and dealing with other's woes and in helping them it somehow made ME feel so much better. I still do that - and kept that side of me, and like that part. Through hypnosis the can of worms got spilled, and I dealt with it, and it became the end of what was a 9-year project that I just “graduated” from last year. Had it not been for the "girls" here, the “Sistas Of The Tiara" who reside in Serenity's Garden, and they know who they are, I would still be a scared little girl inside a grandmother’s body. I am finally free. BUT... I want to tell you when you say you have no sob stories, what that means to me and possibly for others. It's wonderful! I will address that later too. I lived for those stories. Having a life of terror, and never knowing what a friendly hand on your shoulder feels like makes you trust no one. For the first time in my entire life since seeing what I thought was love at one friend's home, I realized that her life was not a "dream," and other people actually lived like that too. Look at you? I went to visit a poet here called Elizabeth Santos, and saw for the FIRST time in my life what family meant. I would cry almost all the time and never told a soul, a good cry, happy for her, and a bad and mad cry for me I guess. A family was I saw, a pyramid of respect, love, understanding, unconditional love, where no judgment resides. No one felt worthless, loved themselves, and all around them, and they included me! She was the one showed me that, and I know she is the one responsible for making that particular family who they are, for she is the purest form of love in motion I tell you. It is through her inspiration I am the best darn grandmother ever now. Then, I went to Cape Cod for a Thanksgiving Dinner by accident, and saw Nan's family, (another poet here,) laughing, and loving. I met her Mother who looked like mine so much it was scary but was she the “good one?” and I got the “bad one?” I wondered. I wanted to take her home I tell you. Nan has since lost her Mother, who was indeed a fine lady. I saw the cutest kid you ever saw in your life, (Nan’s youngest grandson,), throw a tantrum and I virtually stopped breathing waiting to hear the slap, and everyone consoled and loved him. They did not beat him, and lock him in a cupboard for a day like would have been my end. That night I cried too, a good cry. We gather gentle souls from here in "person" every once in a while, but also through the wonder of science, we gather in friendship continually at Passions, thanks to Ron’s generosity. I have other very real friends in here but don't need to name them, as they know who they are, and I am sure they are smiling right now reading this, but they too contributed to the "healing of me." This year sees Kit, Nan and I actually having a "honeymoon" in Niagara Falls in Canada and although I don't have close friends where I live as my trust level is still not like normal people, I do TRUST THEM and that is sure a start. This year my goal is to join “something, anything” non-volunteer, like maybe the “Red Hat Society,” and extend a hand in friendship to a stranger for something social as this I don’t do! I live for the grandkids though JMartie, I cannot imagine a greater loss than the one you just spoke of dear lady. To be married to the same man 47 years and lose him? I was married 4 times to the worst men imaginable now that must say something about my judgment, so this day I will cry for you! You are indeed a lucky woman - all those children, grandchildren, and a love that lasted 47 years, now if that is not a memory to share I don't know what is. I printed it out and will save it. Ron, thank you from this sister |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Just wanted to say that I am reading... and this entire thread is beautiful... "When the power of love overcomes the love |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
Amnesia brings the chess board Like a material riddle in suite Animated life art, sways and bends Comfortable conditions…. Playing dominos with my manuscript Mapping out point A to point B Like a virus with social consequence Distracting subliminal eyes, the demons Choking my walk home, giving me a D+ It was Slipping past all those boarders Of society and mind set Original versions, wanting to die Called 911, after conceding defeat Killing me softly, would have been an understatement Yet, I lived to write about it…. I was furnished with a book? That grabbed my hand and shook Like an ol friend waiting for hours, days, weeks Turning to me in various proportions Another beer or two bought us just a little closer Then I’d ever believed…. I didn’t want to play, I didn’t understand Never did, that’s the truth I’ve been in solitude, since the day I was born Not knowing any influential patrons Just wanted a happy ending story Without cross walks or rhombus The parked cars were speeding To a place only Pandora knew Nanotechnological cities Painted on a canvas of Perhaps some dreaming Gods Expecting a bureaucracy of genius Then poof…Michelangelo, there he was… Chiseling my personal Sistine Chapel… One wrong stroke could break a finger Or worse, my entire future…. Working with the ministry of transportation That kind of out of body experience Which people do, but don’t believe in Gifts a prolific best loved self portrait The accomplishment is gripping A surprising true humble experience Flying above any decent examination Surrounded by members of St. Peter’s. I’ve seen him often since Oh the magnificence of the wilderness He always knew I loved adventure That mortal fear would linger Despite land claims and an all expense paid trip To a place that simply could not be owned But lived… I tend to take for granted the most prolific 56 years of my life The ones bought n’ sold The commissions were inevitable Hindsight irresponsible But...oh my God! The creative energy Shipped from sea to shining sea And then some! dear sweet ladies, my heart outpours and feels the need to share, perhaps for the first time in my life, she's no longer hiding. I to was molested, from the age of 5 until 11 by an uncle...upon telling, I was denied to play with my cousins, whom he was also molesting...and called the black sheep of the family. I stayed recluse, by choice due to the beatings, fear of screaming and yelling by my mother, I was never any good, to fat, to thin, hair to short, to long...you know the routine, and feared all big people were like her? She blamed me for her single life...having to work 3 jobs to keep us fed. I went to work in a bakery at the age of 13, then a waitress at 16, and handed every cent I made to her, not begrudginly, but because I wanted to help...reminding myself now, that she did the best she could do, physically and mentally. I've been rejected by woman all my life, maybe b/c it was that I was raised with boys...later in life worked with men and have been told, I'm way to cut and dry... a straight shooter, which I guess people normally don't like? I dunno I attached myself to a woman who lived across the street when I was 5, who took me in under her wing, and accepted me...followed her around like a little puppy dog, asking questions, listening...she was my lifeline, with whom I was blessed. I'm still there, with her, and owe her my life, normality and faith. My very first boyfriend, cheated on me with my very best girlfriend, I married him, don't ask me why, long story. From that marriage came a very special gift...my son. But the man kept on cheating with that supposidly best girlfriend. I married again, later...to a man for 10 years, who beat me just to keep me in line, keep me from expressing...I'm not complaining, it's just that I didn't know any better, that there was any better of a life out there...then after that... I married one more time, and the mental abuse was devestating, actually worse then being physically beaten...that lasted 14 years, and to be honest, still wonder sometimes if I'm sane. The lies and deceipt were devestating. I ran from him with nothing but the clothes on my back. Then I gave my heart away one more time, and we both hurt each other, immaturity, confusion, fear and lies, on both of our parts. Seclusion for me, has become a safe haven, and it is through writing, only for the past 5 years, that I've learned to not be afraid to speak opinion, or to turn and run...poetry, writing, art, is a learning experience...thank you Ron, as I've been involved with web sites before, that were, shall we say, not so endearing or morally considerate of others. Now, I live in recluse, and women still find it hard liking me...I dunno, maybe it's me...? Perhaps I say somethings very offensive? But, the fact of the matter is, I've known people who have had it worse... There are wonderful people out there, and fine upstanding men...good woman, wives and lovers to their husbands...and here, at PIP I've been so blessed, as time goes by, with the courage, dedication and friendliness here, the outpour of compassion and support, and Ron, Nan, Sunshine, ode to you and all your hard work to give us such a fine and morally enriching website. Serenity, you've got talent beyond words...find the blessings and reach for the stars...this thread is one which made me cry tears of joy...gave me courage to share and say...thank God for Life and for People...for the experiences, which in themselves are miracles. Thank you, even for the hard times, for it is from those hard times I am made stronger for the next...perhaps to witness to another, who is lost and afraid...or simply maybe I'm a glutton for punishment...hehe, ya gotta laugh, right? Thank you Ladies for your courage, but most of all for your love, I am so thoroughly mezmorized by your incredible wills and dedication to others... I haven't made a lot of good choices, but have certainly been deemed a wealthy woman, by the power that be....cuz if I weren't I wouldn't have loved, known love and been loved, had a son, a daughter in law, a wonderful baby girl grand baby...a loving friend from NJ who calls me every single weekend...and for many people who have simply been there...even strangers... Great thanks to Liz, to Martie, and to another poet friend, Bonnie, JL, & DS for your advice. For the opportunity to meet Nan, in person, what a wonderful event that was...so Mysteria, I cannot imagine, well, yes I can...the love core of her family.... Forgive me, I tend to get really sappy and long winded...and so, God bless you all and keep you safe, in your times in need, thank you for listening and for reading...cuz, here of late, I've just begun to not be so ashamed anymore. Sincerely, Lee J. |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Lee? Come here..  Please step into Serenity's garden and sit awhile with your Pip sisters. You are such a brave and loving woman. I am overwhelmed with emotion.. and the gut honesty of this thread. I love you all...my sisters. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Lee? I like cut and dried... |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298 |
I think this is the best of the best....wow....have no words...course that's nothing new...sigh...this touches deep places....and aspires to the highest |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Serenity thank you for this beautiful thread. May I reply to Lee now? Lee, I took to you when first I saw your photo. I love anyone who can have a beautiful laughing smile. And I love honesty or raw, if you will. It touched me. The words you write go to my heart even when I do not comprehend. I am not educated. I love the flow of words and sometimes forget I do not even know what I am reading. But I have read nothing but love and understanding from you. Here is my hug, grab it and keep it around you. I am large enough to give a strong one. A substitute mother as you have is worth her weight in gold. Who ever said every woman knew how to mother? My mom was an orphan at 12 and she and her three sisters and brother went to live with grandparents. Dixie has taught me about that. I wish I had talked more to my mom about her early life. She was open and honest too. I am sure she would have talked to me. She did not know how to show her love to me in the way I needed it. I later learned, there is no way she could have known how another needs to be given or shown love. I think each person brings to the table his or her needs and if they are all different how is a poor mother to know ? Because I had six kids, three boys and three girls, I soon learned each had different needs and each had their own inner reference on how a mother should be. She tried, maybe it was I who withdrew. But my Dad was a nurturer and the love I had for him sustained me. Funny as he was a good "mom" , teaching me how to wash dishes, iron, sew on buttons, ( he had been 4 years in the infantry so learned all these things), and even stroke the furnace. Thought I had two brothers he trusted me to bank it and open it up after school. I did this in the sixth grade. I honored his trust, but he did not show emotion. If I went to kiss him he always turned his cheek. Those were different times and what did he know about hugs and kisses after my infancy ? His mom had died early in life too. He only knew how to show his love through hard work and caring. And the love he showed my mother was enough to teach me, men are good. He took in her sisters and her brother worshiped him too. For that I give credit for my own good marriage. I knew no different, having never seen meanness. I must have thought all men were gods. Lee, Thank you for your open story. I know it was hared to do. But I am sure you feel better now for having done it.Please do not have misivings about sharing. Let it go now if you can and enjoy. love, jo |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
when you feel the chair pulled out from underneath but your legs are not yet long enough to reach the floor oh.... look out the window watch the little birdies fly send your heart and soul elsewhere and believe you are free in spirit and when you are done cleaning up pouring whatever annointing oils you can find over the wounds you still know what wings are for and why your spirit must soar (even with broken wings) and in your heart you know the skies are always blue somewhere ~touching this blue screen~ |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thank you sistah Kacy. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Oh God, Lee you are so brave Bless your strong soul, that write totally blew me away and Kacy? My God, always here to lift us all up from the floor, aren't you? (Thank God) That made me smile so very much. I am proud to be a woman. Thank you . . . all of you. (Vic? where is your write, huh?) |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
Thanks to Marty, my internet mom, for directing me here. You are loved thanks to Karen and all who have contributed to this piece to make this beautiful thread I will have to print it out and read thoroughly when my eyes are in better shape. But what I've read so far has just touched me beyond what I can say. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Lee? How could I forget to hug you? tsk...shame on me. And Dixie? it's about time you got here lady. |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Well, Sue... I don't think I really have much worth contibuting... and?... I think you're all doing just fine without me... but thank you for asking... |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
plbbt! get yer *** in this thread and bleed for the love of God or I will start talking like this ya'll kner I's werz gointa be comin' down'n yer fer dis her writ'in stuff I's nose yer can do's it Miss Vicka . . . Look what you have done now, you let out one of my alter egos . . .  |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
I have already shared my story in poetry...and I don't think I can say it any better then I did in this one poem....however I do realize even more so, that I am not alone. Thank you all for sharing yourselves this way. Guilty of Innocence I had my share of guilt, guilt for looking too many times in the mirror, guilt for not being a better person, guilt for the secrets I kept. My head always pounded as though God was seeing into my sinful heart. Behind the memories the memories of tetherball, cowboys and Indians, games of ping pong and the friendly squeak of the porch swing, was something sinister, something I couldn’t talk about to anyone, not even God. In my memory I can still see the house and I can hear my grandmother imitating the mocking bird’s call, "Cheer-up, cheer-up", she’d call to the sky and the walnut tree. An enormous thing happened to me in that house, behind the innocence of lemon aid and cracking walnuts open with the old nut-cracker, so enormous that it cowered in my memory and refused to come out of hiding. Its secret so enormous that it paved every pathway I took trying to avoid it. The enormous thing was grandfather’s visits to that back bedroom, that fore-poster bed, late at night when mocking birds are sleeping. I had no words for or knowledge about the things he did. He touched me with his foul hands and breathed on me breath tainted by his own corruption. So, at nine I would recite The Lords Prayer each night. I felt like I was walking through "the valley of the shadow of death" and I was very afraid of the evil that I recognized there. "Deliver me from evil," I prayed. How could I be delivered from it? I had come to believe that the evil was me. I have had much forgiving to do. Like blowing leaves down the street, my memories pass. But, like a horror movie about hell, I see the re-run again and again as the wind circles to pass it by me once more. Each time the cracks that were made in my heart bleed and each time I understand more. I can look directly in my mirror now. There are no more secrets. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Thank you, Sissie... I love you, too. |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
"There are no more secrets now" What wonderful sounding words. Yes it is out and now it can be put back where it can no longer harm. Never be wholly forgotten, but out in the open where no one can hurt you now but the black memories. I pray for all of you wonderful women, that life can and will go on more peacefully. You can look anyone in the eye with head held high. Be proud of who you have become. Love, martyjo |
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pharon Member
since 1999-11-13
Posts 251alabama |
voices all rising telling the hurt the pain shame misplaced guilt and for some first time blame above all the seeds of power strength and love that from tragedy did bloom a most amazing field of flowers no longer hiding in the shadows but out in the open drinking the sweetness of the rain to wash the black and blue leaving room only for the life of color the rays that beam on leaves and limbs tenderly down for once no longer afraid to reach up those with broken stems held by those with wounds now healing all together forming this most beautiful field of flowers i do not see black nowhere here is blue present only is a prisim yellow orange green and not infected by the blue blood that is so hard to remove only bright clean beautiful red embracing the power so much easier now with this field surrounding |
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garysgirl
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
WOW!!! |
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ice Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404Pennsylvania |
A world class poem, matched by world class replies...Thank you serenity and friends... -----------ice ><> |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I used to run a support group for abused women out of my home. Before I started, I kept in mind that the statistics showed that one out of four women are molested as children. After I ran that group for ONE MONTH--I realized that statistic was more than likely wrong. One out four women will talk about it. (It is, at least, fifty-fifty in actuality.) "A woman chile ain't safe in a world fulla men." --The Color Purple (and please, that's not an indictment of all men, and I would love to see a similar thread regarding men's experiences--gawd knows, I need some insight today.  )Thanks to all. and Lee J? please write me, and those who do? (Write me, I mean.) I'm blushing here, but let me know who you are, as I haven't been in the email swing of things, so I don't know to whom I am replying half the time. sigh. sorry? *wince* but grin?) AND VICKY HAD BETTER POST A SOMETHING HERE. GRIN AND GRRRRR... |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
It's not the same thing.... I mean, you guys have been through more. But it's almost five AM, and I can't sleep, and I was reading the thread and I just wrote. Love you all. Hang in there, ladies. House was my favorite and nobody would play with me but I dressed the dolls up and fed them, and in the night they'd die. Not because I hated them, like her. I knew that death was easier. I gifted them with graves and cried myself to sleep. Who understands suicidal six-year-olds? How did she not recognise I needed more then nothing. Kids can't be your feet, or hands, or shoulders. Even calling me her Slave. They loved her because of me, and I was glad to give her that. Kids should speak, you know... except she didn't. I'd smile and go back to vacuuming on hands and knees and scrubbing dirty floors for her. How did she not know that I should say more than "I love you"? I knew that she might kill yourself, and knew that it would be my fault 'cause, afterall, it was my job to make sure things were all okay, to make life easier for her. She taught me that my only reason was to make her feel better and that I could only feel love if she gave it to me. She didn't. And still, since she left - abandoned us... I hate myself for wondering how to make her smile. He was a man of sorrows |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
*saving this* because I know you and oh m'lady what a gracious gift you are...indeed, God's girl. thank you m'heart thank you and yes, touching the screen as this broke my heart my daughter took care of me for a year, and I feel so guilty. sigh thank you lady |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
and who understands suicidal six year olds? I think I do. Though six year olds don't generally understand that they are suicidal. They just react. (and hey? it's possible to live off of Ramen noodles) |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
I refused to think of it as 'suicidal' for several years. Didn't like how selfish it sounded. Because of what went on around me I knew that what I wanted wasn't an okay thing, though, so I never acted on it (er, never attempted it, that is). And I didn't talk, and knew how to act, so they never knew. And ohh I didn't want this to cause any guilt. It was different, I'm sure, and they shouldn't be compared. (Ramen noodles are sounding more and more appetizing every passing day...) He was a man of sorrows |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Ramen noodles are terribly satisfying, extraordinarily inexpensive [heck, 5 pkg for $1.00? read cheap...] and hubby goes through them as a nightly snack just about - every night. Serenity...the doors you've opened are the gateways to survival. Will be sending you mail, soon. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
smile...hey girlie, you didn't cause any guilt. That was clitorally built in. (really was a joke, I think) and the things I love about you? Well, this tenderness you have for our senior peoples? My Dad had it too. He knew how to shake an old man's hand that left him not just with dignity, but feeling stronger. That sorta thing is a gift. And you've got it lovie. so hugs. I should go sleep now...and oh I wish I could bring you to my mom's today. You two? well, sheesh. She'd love you. but then? that's an easy deal. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
and SUNSHINE! today...is not a good day until, I find my mom, so now I sleep. |
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scorpio Member Ascendant
since 2002-10-02
Posts 5178right...there |
Emotionally poweful writing!! believe in what your heart feels... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Sleep, baby, sleep... let still waters run fast, and deep to carry you on dreams come true... and find you times you will not rue.. sleep, baby, sleep... |
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kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
No words come to me for this except admiration for the strength and healing this offers to those who suffered but have not spoken. However difficult this is, Karen, you've given a beautiful give of love to those who here shared their lives. Ken Through rubble and trouble and dark of night |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Were I to live again at God’s bequest I would indeed first plea a dire prayer As naked skin’s immersed in shivering air While wrapped in fragrances of newborn breath No, no, my plea would have to be addressed Before the birth, before a seed had dared Unleash it’s form into a waiting snare And settled into life’s most sacred nest The prayer would be presumed before my birth That I be folded in a tight embrace By one who would endow my soul with worth And look with earnest honor at my face With loving words to light the ends of earth Within the aura of a mother’s grace |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
*tears* (the good ones) Thank you lady Santos |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
I may attempt to write another reply later (I'm having a difficult time putting some memories into words) But then, so many of you have already provided me with a cathartic release, vicariously re-living bitter moments that try to stay buried deep within the marrow of me. And for me, I've always felt guilty that I secretly begged God to kill the ones who violated me. Sad to say, but I agree about those statistics, and have spent a lifetime praying they go to zero. |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Karen ~ He knew how to shake an old man's hand that left him not just with dignity, but feeling stronger. I wished I knew just one person alive like that to touch them only once! Liz ~ You wonder why I made you "Mother Of The Decade"long ago? When someone says they are "all heart" they are surely talking of you. Boy do I wish I was at your house today! This thread has inspired me to finish a book I started a LONG time ago. I just realized that no matter how disturbing my life was at least it was interesting I guess. Happy Mother's Day everyone, now I am off to go ride an elephant - seriously! See, some good things actually did happen to me, so they will to everyone! This thread is a book in the making! |
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timothysangel1973
since 2001-12-03
Posts 1725Never close enough |
 You words have spoken to me this morning, and I say thank you !! Taking this one back to the top One is not born a woman, one becomes one. |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Cheerfully chirp and fly about, shake your feathers out get off your knees, please, find an upward breeze and oh that always played my heartstrings so, to see the robins in springtime hopping ‘neath mom’s raggedy clothesline she yelled and screamed but it did no good; hearts of wood wouldn’t hear, begging and pleading fell on deaf ears get off your knees and smile, you are alive, aren’t you? no one wants to hear you complain any more than to pray for dirty rain and the deluge was there all the time; not enough dry days and even when the sun shone, you could hear them moan get up and shake it off, fly about and shout; the upward breeze feels clean and mild and when you ride it, you shall stay aloft, knowing you were always God’s child |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
Sunshine, usally 10 for a dollar, here. And With a really good sale, 20! Hmm... that'd be 15 cents for three meals a day. I could do that... Ser, what a huge compliment! Thank you! I wish I could have met him. I think it takes a lot of gentle wisdom to be able to be that kind of person, and it sounds like he had that. I do so want to be that and be able to do that... And I wish I could meet your mom as well. But hey, she's got you today for mother's day, and that's a very good thing. He was a man of sorrows |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
I still eat Ramen noodles . . . hmmm . .. Happy Mother's Day everyone and for those of you that do not have children, I suspect you have a bunch of adopted ones here *waving* This writing is blowing me away . . . |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Karen?... I wish I COULD post something here... Unfortunately, I have some major writer's block going on right now... It's there... I can feel it... but it just refuses to come out... but?... Thank you... You KNOW I love ya, lady... |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298 |
ah I am with vl...major writers block...cept I could'nt even swear something is in there waiting to come out....sigh... but I took this whole thread home on disk to read over the weekend....and wow...just wow...this is the kind of sharing that shows the world who poets really are... outstanding!!! |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
way back in thread number 2? I think it was that, Sue asked if this went off the boards, then someone should bump it. smile... so I did. vic? jb? just a little memory...that's all. I love this thread and I'm saving it. Y'see? There's a little girl that I forgot to take care of, and she is me, and if all I can do is remind you all to do that, then it's a good thing--ain't it? (one memory, one good strong memory of kid strength...please join us, vic, jb? and anybody else feeling shy...) I need to go back before I can go forward. |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Y'see? There's a little girl that I forgot to take care of, and she is me, And she is us. This sullen, soggy morn brought with it memories of a long ago when the boarder came befriending the innocent adults of age... befriending the children of their trusting love... Weeks multiplied and months of fatherly attentive hugs were replaced with requests to sit the lap and snuggle in... things my grandfather could not physically do, and like the uncle the boarder wanted to be, the old man got his wish... I don't recall, now, what her green eyes saw, or what her spine felt... or how many red flags it must have taken to sour her trust, but I do remember the sullen, soggy morning when the old man was asked to leave before the boarder could cross a border from which there may have been no return... |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
I am so glad this came back up... Life keeps interfering with my poetry time... but to have missed this would be to have missed something wonderful... not just poetically... but the sincerity of sharing reminds me we're all connected... even when our footsteps echo in empty rooms, we are not alone. Thank you, serenity... for an incredible poem... and all that follows. |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
I was at youth group last week, and in my smallgroup of girls we were discussing this subject. Over half had been molested in some way. They're all 14-17 years old!! I wrote of things I faced, but never did I have to face that, and I wish so much that none of you had to, either. I want to bump this back up again because I know there are more of you out there who hold that defiling pain inside, and I can only imagine the tiniest bit of how hard that must be. You didn't deserve it, and it should not have happened to you... He was a man of sorrows |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Kari? that was beyond amazing |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
nodding Kari? Suze? GG and Ruth? They say the statistics are one out of four women--molested/raped. I have calculated my own poll, and I would say it's actually 3 out of 4. (I added an extra, because there are women who won't acknowledge it all.) Someone wise told me recently that I can't wish the past away, but I actually have to learn to love that part of me too. Now that's powerful. And a helluva challenge. hugs to all and oh my thank you |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
And we never understood why this was Grandpa, why weren't we allowed to know him, to be near him and just why in the hell there was so much animosity but we were children perhaps to young to understand or was it that we were being shielded by an unconditional love of a father that had been everything to girls of three and we grew, times changed and slowly, little by little we began visiting Gram out on the farm, and being kids we loved it there fresh country air and the barn where we played.. the barn where reasons surfaced and I was exposed to the hidden secrets and the whats and whys oh why did Grandpa have to try? And then the story began to unfold twas only then the horror and truth was ever told I prayed to God why oh why did she suffer and did she cry... It was around the time that I was fifteen... and to this moment I remember the day and the horrid awful way he tried to do the same to me twas only then we learned the truth... |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
Donna, sweet Donna, we've been made a little stronger, hopefully to help others, perhaps we are God's tools...? I dunno, but I do know, it wasn't our fault, and we ought to do all within our power to prevent this from happening to anyone again....we absolutely should, seriously...form and demand stricter laws...no one should have to endure the shame but the preditor....our society ignores this, way to much, and I believe they turn they're heads due to shame, due to denial...until it comes close to prey on a loved one...but this should come out of the closet and be addressed firmly and abruptly...I'm so danged tired of our laws being to easy on the criminal/preditor? Love and hugs |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
serenity... you're gonna have to share your bubble wrap technique. *G* And... have you ever unrolled some down the hall and danced on it? *G* I wrote this several years ago and a few friends have read it, but I've never posted it... forgive the length... it's almost a book but it's me and I'm old? *G* Such bitterness isn't my usual state of mind... but the conviction that I'd kill to prevent another kid from having my memories is. *S* Pretend It Never Happened Twice every Sunday, I sat in church Being force fed lessons of wrong from right - That didn't count the special services Or weekly prayer meetings on Wednesday night. Sex was a subject not mentioned at all Pamphlets introduced me to puberty Then hands found places I knew they should not - You let it continue - How could that be? I ran for help but found scolding instead Permission granted was the message sent With no escape, I could only endure But it never happened... so I'd pretend. I'd hear my friends talk about all their dates And as they discussed just how far they'd go I couldn't imagine wanting such touch But I didn't let my revulsion show. Ironically, you pushed me to marry Afraid, I guess, that I might cause you shame So though I knew well I was not in love I acquiesced and assumed someone's name. But he had his own secrets, lacked desire It was easy to claim that my abuse Had turned me into a frigid ice cube Too unattractive for any man's use. I almost lost myself during those years Shattered woman at last filed for divorce You just hoped I wasn't ruining my life Uncaring that I'd been taken by force. I didn't think I would ever quite heal But eventually, I learned to cope Though the thought of loving relationships Was something for which I held out no hope. When I referred to my sexual past I only counted times I had some choice And still it took endless years, bitter tears Until I could give my questions a voice. Why didn't you stop him so long ago? Why didn't you take your own daughter's side? By silencing protests and cries for help You issued a monster his own free ride. And it felt you betrayed me once again Telling me I should just hush and forget Rage boils, anger seethes... I needed answers Instead of the play-dumb avoidance I met! If someone hurt my child like he hurt me I'd tear open his chest, rip out his heart, Chew it as corrupt eyes glazed in dying Then vomit the filth in effort to thwart His twitching carcass from causing more pain - Without hesitation, I'd make his death As painful as humanly possible If I knew what he'd done... and still had breath. But you think it is not worth discussion Perhaps you just know you have no excuse For allowing your blood, your progeny To be subject to such horrid abuse. Remember, you still hurt that a coin Given you as a child was lost to theft... But you refuse to even acknowledge That stolen innocence left me bereft. You just pretend nothing ever happened Ignore the fact that you failed to protect - While I have finally shed most shame And at last am finding some self-respect. So I'll leave you with twisted illusions And go on allowing you to pretend For pressing you would just cause still more pain And that wouldn't insure the nightmares end. Only I can rob my past of its power So I will not beg for what you can't give See, I have finally found acceptance And long overdue, I'm learning to live. |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
Ruth, hugging you tightly for this..... Karen.... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
And long overdue, I'm learning to live. ~*~ God bless you, sweetie... |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
I keep coming back to this thread, knowing each time I read it I shall end up crying. Does that make me a masochist, or just another knowing sister who has finally accepted her own version of this story? Sisterly safe hugs to all. But I am still amazed at the direction this thread took, and occasionally have to re-read your original post, Karen. |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
The deplorable memories, I keep them at bay, For they would impinge on my living each day. My body was fragile, but my mind I kept strong. I was only a child when that man did me wrong. |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
you know, a few day after my testimony to this thread, I went out for break, and for some odd reason, a woman who was out there that I've known for years, blirted out, I was sexually abused as a child...I was shocked, and didn't yet reveal my story, just basically listened to her, and thought about her testimony for days after, until I saw her again...and thanked her...she said, for what? I said, for having the courage to not be ashamed...and then gave her a brief rundown on my story. She to, was surprised. My second point is this...this, has apparently been going on since the beginning of time...and it was not uncommon in our day, can you even begin to imagine, just how more prevelent it is today, with so many more people? Not to mention the preditors walking around free? We were taught to keep things quiet and not complain, and now, with all the child abuse amongst the church, and people are not horrified that this has happened? I can't believe how so many people turn a deaf ear to this, and don't demand even the church be cleaned up? I'm shocked that this issue is constantly swept under the rug, and silenced? It's really time, and I say this in brutal honestly, that this stuff be brought to justice...no one knows the complications that arise from this...except those who've gone thru it... I commend John Walsh...really I do.... And to those of you sisters that have had to endure this, God bless you sweet ladies...your one incredible bunch of special people... and remember, b/c of what we've been through, you've gotta really love someone to share that special and only gift you have to offer, so don't feel badly if you couldn't when you were expected to. Love you all, and thank you Serenity...you don't know the milestone that happened here in this lady...I'm not ashamed anymore...and it's like a weight has been lifted. I consider myself lucky, my cousins got the brunt end of it...all 4 gals...and when I was little, I was the oldest...and didn't tell right away, cuz I was afraid, he'd go after them...if I'd not be allowed to go there anymore...little did I know, he started with them already...we, didn't even mention it until much later in life, after we were long married??? Gives new meaning to the words, bless the child, doesn't it? Touching the screen and hopefully all of you... God, I wish this country would do something to deter this, or at least put a dent in this issue...put these guys away for good, cuz they don't do a thing to contribute to society...and, by the way, in some of their deranged minds, they actually believe, society is wrong, and they're right????? I'll tell you straight, God help the man, who ever puts his hands on me again, uninvited...hehe or any child I know, for that matter...and maybe, that's what we have to do, really stand up for these children and make a difference? |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
I was thinking that if you put 10 women in a room, 8 of them would have been/are emotionally, physically, sexually abused . . . and the other two would have been a witness to it. Hugs to all of you . . . |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
As with all things in life...there are two sides to every coin and there is a silence that is deafening from the brotherhood that also carries this pain as well. The "macho" expectations and the shame often silence the male victims from ever telling anyone or seeking help. It is a violation against innocence and its damage knows no boundaries of race, religion, or social status. The offenders arent always the "perv" down the street and they arent always male. Strong statistics show that many times the offender was the victim first as often the cycle begins this way... please be clear--I am not, in anyway defending anyone, but if we want the cycle of pain to be broken there must be more focus on getting healing emotional support in place for the victims from early on. All too often a family's shame and fear keep the secret and sadly they try to "hush" it all away, or hope that "time will heal" ... we victims know it doesnt. A LOUD voice must be given to this along with new legislation, AND funding to back it up. Education and communication is key. There should be no price tag on innocence... in a perfect world right? yes...out of the mouths of babes.... heart-hugs to all who share and to those who havent yet found their voice. KA? once again your honesty offered many a comfort zone...sanctuary.... you are both brave and strong...more than you yet know. I love you me twin. |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Oh this aches to all |
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kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
I come back to read again the story of some children's lives. I feel the expressions here are statements of tremendous strength and valor. If disclosure is one step toward healing, this is a very healing thread. Ken Through rubble and trouble and dark of night |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
I am overwhelmed from reading all of you... and am actually speechless(those who know me would find that near impossible) hugs to all for yesterday, today and tomorrow~~ M |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Thank God for men like Ken...who come, and read, and acknowledge... I know there must be several other men who are reading this thread...some of whom have experienced their own shadows...this is not a plea for them to share [even though they could, if they wish], but it is a nod of understanding that they wouldn't keep coming back to read, if they didn't hold close to the sisters' candle.... A quiet, gentle, "brava", serenity...for not asking me THAT favor.... |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Well, Karen... I started reading this thread again..and I made it through the first couple of pages and then, I had to stop reading...because my mind was busy writing... I don't have many memories of 'childhood strength'... I think most would say I was anything BUT a 'strong' child... and I have not been through nearly as much as so many of you other ladies have... my childhood experiences are very different... and to some, probably insignificant... so I apologize if my memories don't really 'fit in' here... but to me?... they still haunt... and though I am still not so good in groups... this feels like a safe place to share... so I will... ________________ I was never good in groups... for those who listened one-on-one when joined together always found the need to laugh... mercilessly at me... and my fragile heart... so I learned to be silent friends and enemies were one and same back then depending on the day of week... hour of day... and lines were blurred leaving me to question who... or when... to trust so I didn't... trust... and I learned that 'lonely' is most painful when one is not alone and childhood times of parties and sleepovers became dreaded forms of torture last to sleep... first to wake... always fearing the next cruel joke I found safety in their slumber they couldn't hurt me then Summer time... I cried at camp... not because of 'homesick'... no... I loved the woods I still do... I could escape there... safe among the squirrels and doodlebugs... I learned from the doodlebugs, you know... hiding like they did? Yes.. I learned to 'hide' quite well... even when others thought me visible they didn't know I wasn't really there That's how it was the day we visited the graveyard I don't remember why we went I'm sure there was a reason something they wanted us to see to learn but I didn't hear... I was deep inside myself remembering her... my grandma She found me that day there in the graveyard... as if she knew I needed her... and she smiled at me through clouds and oh how I wanted to run to her and I did... not an outward running but in my heart... I ran... as close to her as I could get till I was haulted by the railing that kept me from falling... into the sky to be with her I stood there for what seemed forever... I stared... and cried I missed her so... she was the one who loved me who understood me... I didn't want to leave her there but dried my eyes to hide the tears... the 'me'... so they wouldn't laugh... but I couldn't hide my heart that day and they saw... and in a voice of 'friendship' they asked what was the matter "nothing"... I lied not believing they cared... but they persisted... and I was a child... in need of comfort... in need of a friend... and I confessed... "I miss my grandma"... I didn't tell that I had seen her that would be too much trusting but to my surprise... relief... there was kindness understanding... and they listened... until they learned that time had passed since my grandma had done the same and I should be 'over it' by now or so they thought and they mocked... and laughed... and left me alone with myself broken... feeling more alone than ever before and that's when I learned that I didn't matter the 'grown-ups' in their well-meaning way told me to 'pretend' to act like it didn't hurt to laugh at myself when I was made the butt of the joke 'laugh with them' and you won't be so much FUN to pick on... So I listened... and I laughed with them... even when it hurt... ESPECIALLY when it hurt... and those days were the beginning of the end of 'me' ________________ Thank you, Karen... Love you, lady... |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
"and oh how I wanted to run to her and I did... not an outward running but in my heart... I ran... as close to her as I could get till I was haulted by the railing that kept me from falling... into the sky" Vicky? C'mere...  Thank you.Serenity~You have once again given us a sanctuary. A place for healing..and understanding. For this we will be forever grateful. To Karen and all my 'sisters' here.. Heart hugs from me to you all May God bless each and every one of you! [This message has been edited by Enchantress (05-17-2005 10:40 PM).] |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Vicky, Ruth, Janet Marie, all you wonderful ladies? and thank you, Karen! |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
I love poets! Although many of my nearest and dearest friends do not write poetry, they each have the soul of a poet!  Every poet has a story ~ or several! They live, and learn, and see, and teach, and feel, and emote, and understand, and fantacize, and appreciate, and ponder ~ and they share. They share their thoughts, their hopes, their dreams, their fears, their hearts, their sorrows, their pain, their joys ~ and their souls. Our PiP home is truly a family of POETS ~ and I love you all. Sending loving, healing hugs to each and every one of you! Linda xo |
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scorpio Member Ascendant
since 2002-10-02
Posts 5178right...there |
A truly inspiration write Karen. And a testament to the brave and courageous women in Pip. believe in what your heart feels... |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Nancy & Martie... I was considering deleting my post... but I guess it's too late for that now, eh? Thank you... |
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Nightshade
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962just out of reach |
I don't have many memories of 'childhood strength'... I think most would say I was anything BUT a 'strong' child... Vicky, sweet poetess...I beg to differ. Strength sometimes is not visible to us, but in order to survive...yes, it is there. Thankyou for sharing this heartfelt memory. Gramma would be very proud. We are. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
quote: Go ahead dear, delete all you want... the good stuff stays... I was waiting, and I knew, even before I saw it, that you and I would share so much, just as so many of our poets have done... You are so damned precious! |
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timothysangel1973
since 2001-12-03
Posts 1725Never close enough |
Don't you dare delete that Vicky I will kick your butt... that is so beautiful, and I am here in tears, because dammitt, kids can be so cruel sometimes... I know... You are beautiful and everyone that knows anything about YOU at all knows that you carry a heart that would shelter us all in the rain if we needed it too. Gosh.. I just dont know what else to say except pass the kleenex...  Now, I want to remember what I swore that I would forget... maybe this writing thing is good for SOMETHING after all eh? Love and hugs to everyone that has summoned the courage to get the hell out of childhood alive !! Tima I may hate myself in the morning - but I'm gonna love you tonight -Lee Ann Womack |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
If you would have deleted that post My God it gave me chills, I would have killed you, Vic. You know when I was reading that I could so relate because my childhood was the very same you see . . . I was always picked on for being different and you know what I have to say to that now, don't ya? Yep, you do, but I cannot say those F words in here . . . So instead I will just hug you and toss you a kiss in the wind hoping it lands beside your pillow for when you need it . . . (ok, that sounded a bit strange) You know what I mean . . . *smile* I am so damn proud of you right now Vicka Lynn . . . Do you ever wonder why all of us are here, anyhow? In PIP . . . think about it . . . we are all the same . . . because we are different. I love you, Vicky and admire you for sharing that. I know it was hard for you. |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
To all of you that have shared some of your innermost thoughts and feelings ~ and for those of you who have shown compassion and love ~ God Bless You!!! ~ and littlewing's comment "Do you ever wonder why all of us are here, anyhow? In PIP . . . think about it . . . we are all the same . . . because we are different." beared repeating! ~ Vivre la difference! (((((((((( ))))))))))Linda |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
dearest Vickey, you were a blessed child and still are...I know what you've been through, as I to, was the sharp edge of their sword...but, oh, I don't know, since the beginning, somehow I always knew I was different...and really didn't care to be friends with those kids...so it didn't bother me, when they laughed and poked fun...and I became a vigulante of sorts, always fighting for the underdog...I was taller then any kid in my class and full of spunk, not to mention, since I grew up with all boys, packed one heck of a wallop... Your life girl, means everything to anyone who has ever had the blessed opportunity to know you...don't ever be afraid of speaking out, those who mock, or won't listen, well sis, it's their loss...cuz you've got oddles to share, and a life that's been fruitful, in your awareness and strength through it all...and I bet today, this day, your one heck of a friend and an amazing lady....who would compliment anyone whom you decided to share your heart with. Thank God for Ron and PIP, otherwise, I wouldn't be learning from such enriching people as yourself..every day I walk into these blue pages...you and they are endearing and wonderful people. Hugs to ya gal...sending blessings and thank you so very much for sharing your story. Lee J. |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Karilea?... You play dirty... LOL Thank you... Tima & Sue?... geez... threatening violence... I think I'm glad I didn't delete it... *grin* Thank you both... |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Oh...and?... I know it's not the same... but?... enjoy... http://fun.from.hell.pl/2003-11-24/bubblewrap.swf Try manic mode... and make sure your speakers are on... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I get comboozled when poets who post wonderful pieces say "delete me please...." when you wouldn't have put it here in the first place if it didn't have a heart to belong to... Yep. Now and then I make mudpies, too... [This message has been edited by Sunshine (05-19-2005 06:47 AM).] |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
You know I never belonged either, ( never was very athletic or a cheerleader type)...and because I was too afraid to ever do anything wrong..or take a risk and enjoy things that others were enjoying back in the late 60's and early 70's..which I no longer regret since I have seen how many have lost their battles with health problems since then. But instead I tried to be friends with everyone and exclude no one...and recently at reunions or when bumping into people...I find they remember me...in a kinder way than I ever thought possible. I was and still get picked on...even by my brothers. And being overly sensitive it has been an upward battle to not let it show because Vicky, the more we let it show the more they do it...because they wish to see a reaction from us...and not always to be cruel. In fact sometimes it is their( generic their) insecurities. But I have been very lucky to have had wonderful parents...and I just brought my Mother north for a ceremony for my sister this coming weekend. She gave me many things to keep (jewelry, birth certificates etc) and a letter to my father was in it...she let me read it and was going to throw it away but I said no..I wished to have it .Here is what it said: It was written in 1978 on his Birthday "Dear W, I'm writing this in case something happens to me, such as in the case of Dad, where he couldn't write or speak. None of us think that anything like that will happen, but it does. Also I would not want to be put on any support system if my brain or head is gone (no artificial means) I just want you to know that I love you (even though there were some difficult times) but the good ones outweigh the bad. The children, I am sure, think that you have been a good Father, but they too don't express it. Maybe we should have been more out going in showing our affection for one another and towards each other in front of the children too......... I know that you will stay in touch with the kids and grandchildren. I hope that I have made you happy in our years together. Love E" There were 5 of us children (2 from a previous marriage whom my Dad adopted and 3 from both my parents)Parents didn't show much affection to their children, but more to the grandchildren back then. My parents made it to their 50th anniversary before my Father died...something I was hoping to do, too. I wanted to show you how lucky I was, to have had a homelife where we were loved, and where our necessities were taken care of even if we didn't realize it at the time... hugs and love to you all who went through terrible times~~ M |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Don't you see inside of me when I cry and scream and tear my hair in clumps and crimps and pinch my skin to make sure I am alive? My God, how I sigh not for me but this frightening thing called life this jungle a vineyard of rotted grapes waiting to burst inside the palate just knowing they will turn our stomachs and make us vomit truth and hurt and pain. I cry, I say for all of us. Not because we hurt, but because we are the strong ones, you see. We are different and we KNOW this. And that, is our gift. |
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BluesSerenade Member Patricius
since 2001-10-23
Posts 10549By the Seaside |
I lived what I like to think a charmed life as seen through the eyes of a child it was perfectly clear however simple it was. I love my Mother with all my heart but I still cry to this day for my father when she divorced him when he lost his eye sight and his world went dark when I was only ten. At the same time he lost his business his wife and his children and his life as he knew it when I play it back it's all I can do to contain myself. But he never lost his sense of humor or the love for his children who meant the world to him and I am blessed to be one of his offspring that were his pride and joy. He is my soul inspiration and always will be every lesson, he taught me so well of the loss of my senses and life's hardships, combined. I am all knowing in those moments and in every memory we made he's looking through me and I can hear him hollering so clearly, "That's my girl, gawd damnit Lori, you can do this" And for everything I didn't understand I comprehend at the tender age because I am so there all my worst nightmares have come true and I want so much to run to him. Whatever ails us is not the beginning or the end it is what challenges us to fight the good fight and I know without a doubt he will be there for me in the end. I have since come to terms. We are not so unique as we like to think, because everyone is fighting a hard battle. It is the course of our lives that shape us that make for the person we have become. |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
You all are so very beautiful.... and Lori...I still hear my dad when my struggles are at their hardest.. and you girl....stand so strong in your convictions and are an inspiration to me. |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
all my worst nightmares have come true and I want so much to run to him. and so they have Lori, but we will overcome them. Love you hugs M |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Have been waiting for you my bluesy girl. |
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timothysangel1973
since 2001-12-03
Posts 1725Never close enough |
Finding My Way She left us on a saturday we never knew why until years later when we finally gave her the chance to explain You see - he was injured by half truths that had in time circled back She could see through it and that is why she said "It's over keep the kids I will come back in time." She did and he let her take us and then... I sat by the window on Friday nights waiting, and crying and not understanding when he didnt show I was ready early red suitcase in hand I wanted to go see my Daddy Every other weekend visits they just aren't enough for a kid that is lost and torn between a love and two lives gone wrong Years later she would release me again - I lived with the man with whom she just could not I hated her for reasons that even I didn't understand He fueled that hate because - He was still in love with a vision of what his life was supposed to have been I waited on her to make the next move... but, she never did She wanted me to Find my own way I found something that I thought was even better... A man a man to love me, with the same love that she had thrown away In the end, that was even worse than what even they had shared And once again I waited for someone anyone to save me from myself I spun I fell I self-destructed I could never just Find my way Until that fall when I was ready to say "I'm finished." There he was broken, bent, living in a bottle of amber regret I reached, and he grabbed and together we got up And now... all these years later finally that lost little girl has finally... Found Her Way I may hate myself in the morning - but I'm gonna love you tonight -Lee Ann Womack |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Bluesy? Lady V...and Lee J, and littlewing and all of ya'll-- there is room for happiness here and smile and blush I thought I tossed a little pebble in the pond...wasn't expecting the rings to grow like this. Hugs to you all. And if I'm silent, it's because I'm overwhelmed. It's a very trying time in my life (my son said my "chi" is all um...mussed up) and it is so forgive my lack of participation in this thread, but it gives me joy to know that some find release and healing here. *touch the screen* hugs and love and purple berries...grin k/serenity |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Lee?.. I am SO sorry, my friend... I truly didn't mean to ignore you up there... Thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement... it means more to me than you know... Hugs back to you, my friend... |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Sue?... Thank you... you know why... and Karen?... just hugs... and a giant dose of understanding... I love you... |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Serenity, again ~ thank you for tossing that first pebble and causing rings to form. To all you wonderful, beautiful, intelligent women of Pips who have chosen to post here. I thank you, for I have learned from you. Tonight on Larry King the T.V. evangelist Joyce Meyers told her story of abuse by her father and her mom's not being able to help her. I found it interesting. She has written a book Battlefield of The Minds and I am sure more than one. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone was interested. Best to all , martyjo |
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kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
Serenity friend, when a story needs open air, one will stand to speak. You stood, and found a symphony of warmth, love and communication. Ken Through rubble and trouble and dark of night |
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timothysangel1973
since 2001-12-03
Posts 1725Never close enough |
Just wanted to give this one a bump for anyone that may have missed it. It's an inspiration for me now, I come everyday and check to see if anything has been added... And if not? It doesn't matter, I just re-read the whole thing once again, and feel a little better when I leave. Thank you for this Serenity I think we all needed it !! Tima I may hate myself in the morning - but I'm gonna love you tonight |
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Nightshade
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962just out of reach |
I love you all !! Our heart stories are each perfect pearls on one, single, golden thread. "Life" |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
I've read this several times and am overwhelmed by the compassion and great warmth that encircles this thread...many thanks and hugs to Serenity for this...to all of you for taking the time to read and comment...yes, it is so beautiful here at PIP, each and everyone of you, make "us" one. And we are! Hugs and many thanks to all of you. Luv Lee J. |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
Sitting At The Headstone Sitting at the headstone, picking blades of sullen grass, long, unkempt for summer spent, over and over...I...remember how it was. I came home to find the gathering of family. Mom wasn't there. I knew. The doctors didn't fix her. God didn't fix her. She fixed her. We had a lot of friends...kissing my cheek and hugging my neck, squishing me into breasts I didn't care to be in, telling me what a good woman she was and all...like I didn't know. I wish I didn't know. I lay on the lawn, looking up into the clouds to ask why. No one answered. People came into view and out again. I couldn't cry then. In that room, the one where they put the face out for all to look at and say, "looks just like she's sleeping, doesn't it?" I stood, till everyone left out to talk about things so I wouldn't hear. They'd have thought I was crazy anyhow, walking over and lightly shaking her, "are you sleeping mommy?" I touched her dry red hair and kissed her pale forehead..."good night then". Brother cried one tear. It just streamed. No one really wept. Not even me. Time. It would pass and the sittings would become fewer and farther between. I brought flowers I picked till they were gone. She took the green thumb with her, you see. I...remember when I wept. It didn't hit me terribly hard, just from the side so I didn't see it coming. It was like being shot with an arrow and it doesn't hurt until you look down and see it protruding from your gut. That's when I fell to my knees and never got back up. |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
this is a little long, but it seems like a good place to put it... Dear Sweet Sister, If there is one thing that I wish for you to know, and believe with all of your heart, it is this: You are beautiful. You are powerful. You have strength. You will be okay. Everything in life happens for a reason. You learn. You grow. But the most important thing you do is love. Never regret love. Never hold it back inside of yourself. That would be selfish. Walls are only good for houses, not for hearts. There will be someone deserving of you. You are too precious to be alone without love. Keep your eyes, and most importantly, your heart, open. This now, is a death. Grieve it well. I wish I could take the anger and pain from you and bear it myself. But it is yours. It is yours to hold and keep and remember, and to laugh at somewhere in a future sunrise. You own it. God gave it to you. One day, you will understand why. For now, you must just accept it and breathe, and let time pass by. You will love again. But now, it’s important that you love yourself. Love yourself through the anger. Cry. Scream. Break stuff. But love yourself. This is a new direction. This is another step to get you where you are supposed to be. You are brave. Go forth. And do it with a smile. Now you know what true love is not. You are wiser now. You have keener vision. This will aid you in the future. You are dynamic! Nothing can bring you down and hold you there. You are the essence of love; caring, giving, selfless, undying, inspiring, strong, powerful, and I believe you get back what you give. You deserve much happiness and you will be happy one day when you least expect it. One day, you will read this again, and you will see I was right. You will survive. You will be okay. You will love again. You are beauty. You are strong. You are in control. Make your choices as best as you can, live for today, and leave the light on. Someone is searching for you. |
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vandana
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463USA |
liked it |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Serenity, I think a lot of us come back to read and think about life as we live it.. You have made it happen. Thank you. martyjo Dixie, I had just reread this the other day and thought you should repost it here. See how close we have become? Two minds with the same thought. It is a good place to put it. Your letter,"Dear Sister", is a good one. I could not tell if someone wrote it to you or if you were writing to Serenity? always remember You Are Loved. marty |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
Marty, I wrote it, for a friend that lost love back some time ago. She was so heart broken. But it holds true for all "sisters". Thank you |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
Spent some time yesterday evening in reading this thread again from the beginning and OVERWHELMED is just the right word to say how it made me feel! It made me want to reach out with a big hug to all of you beautiful souls! And it stirred the desire to HOWL ... sort of liberating HOWL ... a howl that carries a lot of more emotions asking to be expressed. Love and THANK YOU. Margherita |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
A collection worthy of publication. Incredible. We have the most talented ladies! Okay I may not have the gender down but I still have memories. I remember my parents so good at marriage that at five I wanted to be married too. I remember mom threatening to cut her hair and feeling as if she would diminish her beauty and I was only five. I remember dad logging trees and being so impressed that he could make somehting so tall lay down. I remember grandpa sharing his garden in an "all-you-could-eat" buffet and my baby brother falling into the creek picking rhubarb and I was only four. I remember grandma offering a prize for a foot race with my brother and treating both the winner and the loser and I was only four. I remember my brothers when they were little and strutting because I was so proud to be seen with them and I was only six. If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Thank you Larry for sharing such candid memories. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
"I was only" poetry such as this speaks well of the man who is still close to yesterday, but reached into tomorrow. God bless you, Larry...for all that you have been through, and for the legacies that carry you forward! Welcome to Serenity's clubs of heart... |
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Nightshade
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962just out of reach |
Bless you Larry. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Larry... thank you my dear friend |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Thanks Ladies as I know this is a high powered club. If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
Larry, just sitting here huggin you for sharing your heart. Yer wonderful. |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
Sorry guys... it's not that I meant to lie or anything. It just isn't a truth that I really accept... And it only happened once, I didn't face it over again like an escalator, only once, and he was young, so was I. I'm sure he didn't understand when he asked me if I would, then told me that I should and moved me to the place he wanted. Everyone was playing games but us, and it was Christmas night. I said that he was icky, but no one understood. It's not like he went all the way, but really it was just the touch that ached, haunting me until it became everything. Burned into my mind and still won't disappear. Thanks everyone for letting me do this. You all inspire me more than you know. I'm off to the beach for the weekend, should be fun. Been gone alot, hopefully soon I'll have the chance to catch up with you all. Take care... |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
sweetheart GG...come here lady. I love you much for all you do, but your integrity shines. This is most likely the last time I'll address this thread--I'm amazed myself at what started here, but on a personal level, I think I need to let things be. But I did want to thank all of you for finding your voice, and your courage -- you all leave me in awe as I ponder the beauty of scars. Much love and many kisses. (Write some poetry in the sand, GG.) Love and peace to you all. |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Trapped within a web of tangled idealism and thought process tinkering, tinkering . . . I need an oil change. The wheels grind and rust spurts from my limbs, leaving shavings of blood scattered to the winds. |
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timothysangel1973
since 2001-12-03
Posts 1725Never close enough |
Had to come in here again, I have been in such a funk the past few days. School is out for the summer and while that should be a good thing (and the kids agree) for me, it just means more time stuck between four walls with kids and no adult conversation. Hubby gets to work, we can't afford a vacation and so I sit here with them all day long trying to make the same ole same ole look fun. I am soooo blessed to have all these wonderful kids.... but geez.... I was gonna be a lawyer or CEO when I was in highschool and all I am really Cheif Executive Officer of is Dishes, laundry, mopping, and dinner. I try really hard to never complain about my life because I know that it could be worse. I could have had 2 sets of twins, and I could be married to a loser that wouldn't work haha I just get in these funks sometimes wondering where my life went among making everyone elses life great. I do love them I do - I just get bored with being a mom and wife sometimes and crave the life of the single woman on the bar scene having a ball with her friends. It'll pass, it always does Anyway..... this thread is full of woman strength and thats why I keep coming back for more. Tima |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
Tima, Ah yes, the elusive single woman/bar action envy... I am single. Been divorced over 3 yrs. I watch TV alone a lot. The bar thing? LMAO....it's full of 20 yr olds making eyes at each other...it just isn't fun. When I was married, there was a 2 yr period where I didn't work and had a newborn, a 4 yr old and a 3 yr old. I was bored, under stimulated (intellectually) and was nearing insanity...so I do understand. I chose to go back to the Navy at that time. Then when my kids were around 10, 14 and 13..I went back to school. Full time. I know yours are young still...hang in there, there is life after children. and the single grass is no greener. (unless you are in a bad relationship, which you are not). enjoy the kids now, soon they will be older and out with their friends all the time. "too bad ignorance isn't painful" ~Unknown~ [This message has been edited by Susan Caldwell (06-07-2005 03:12 PM).] |
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Startime55 Member Elite
since 2003-04-05
Posts 2148Alberta, Canada |
Oh my gosh...ladies you have written words that are not only inspirational but that remind the heart to look and remember the little girl she once was...Absolutely magnificent....*hugs* |
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