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Open Poetry #35
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Web, Sawdust
| Open Poetry #35 |
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Web, Sawdust |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California 
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Web, Sawdust Low in a corner of a wooden room, the sides linked in by patient silk sewn up so tight lace fingers of it held the walls in place “Look !” I said Wanting to be understood I could smell fresh wood caught fast as I by the fragile thing cast across the air and taken by the sun a piece of art was holding mighty there only sawdust from some project Deceptive how we think that wood is strong when all along the web thus macraméd like holding hands could fill itself still gracefully with wind to lift the tiny logs, and me, within --------- with special thanks to Ed (Ratleader) for helping me to tweak this a bit.  |
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| © Copyright 2005 Martie Odell Ingebretsen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Oh, this is delightful, especially when I have a picture I could send you that magnifies the moment of lace, dust, and light... and the tweaking? Delicious! |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
I'd like to see your photo, sissie...!! |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
stronger than steel those spinnings be.. and you always darn a pretty fine yarn yourself ma'am |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
ah..another fine write |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I want to write like you.    *sigh* |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
Martie, its been awhile since I've been blessed with your wondrous words...where've ya been? I've missed you. Hope all is well with you, thank you for this effervecence and your artistic nature...loved this...hugs and happy sent your way...  |
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Dark Stranger Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631West Coast |
those little closets in your mind would love to be there sometime and watch you move things around enjoyed this ms martie |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I think I was once told that you shouldn't write in sentence fragments unless you're Robert Frost. But somehow I think you've done it anyways---for descriptive reasons, I'm sure, you left your introduction wide open. I don't think I'm used to you bending the laws of grammar, but it's neat to see once in a while. I want to offer one piece of critical advice, only because it's the second time I've noticed something. The first line of the last stanza very clearly gives a statement of intent which repeats the underwritten theme of the entire poem. I simply don't think it's necessary to say that, though... your poetry has carried that message so well that summing your lesson up so briefly almost undermines the rest of what you've said. The strange "softness" of wood compared with its conventionally understood "strength" is best done more subtly, as you have done, through captivating, surreal and contrasting images. That said, I really love your control of contraries here, with the wooden room being spun like "patient silk," though wood is characteristically hard and unmalleable. Later, that the pile of sawdust is "holding mighty there" is another successful addition to that theme. There are some really wonderful lines in this poem. I think you would probably agree that "thus macraméd like holding hands" is one of the higher points of the poem (raising the earlier image of fingers interlocked to an even more specific, intentional holding), and the as above, so below aspect of your conclusion, "tiny logs." My favourite has to be in the third stanza, though: quote:The ambiguity here was lost on me at first, but reading it over a second time I see that it's not clear whether you mean to refer to the sawdust or to yourself when you say "cast across the air and taken by the sun." The fact that it's "as I," that the sawdust is taking you on a journey, makes it unnecessary to interpret it one way or the other, though. How do you make these kinds of connections, Martie? I wish I could experience this kind of thing just by walking around... Brian "God becomes as we are that we may be as he is." ~William Blake |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
You've honored me, dear lady, and not just by saying here that I was helpful to you. It's hard to trust anyone to merely read a draft, let alone edit it....it's a piece of naked soul, and there's something personal there that goes beyond....for a poet of your depth to trust me so.....I'll just say that I'd rather have been given that draft by you, than a Poet Laureate's autographed book. It's that trust that is the real honor. ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> ______________Ratleader______________ |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
When the best of the best work together, the result is simply stunning. *S* |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
"Deceptive how we think that wood is strong when all along the web thus macraméd like holding hands could fill itself still gracefully with wind to lift the tiny logs, and me, within" Another amazing write.. Love to see you and Ed duet. Hugs and love to you Martie. Life is one great big canvas; |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Magnificent Martie, you know how much I love this...and DO know how much I would just love to sit with you and watch. Mxx "we all have wings, but some of us don't know why" |
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BluesSerenade Member Patricius
since 2001-10-23
Posts 10549By the Seaside |
Deceptive how we think that wood is strong when all along the web thus macraméd like holding hands could fill itself still gracefully with wind to lift the tiny logs, and me, within Such a pretty poem, Martie. Your writing reaches so far, and touches so deeply. Love the last verse, and all that your heart inspires. |
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Goodknight Member Elite
since 2002-06-15
Posts 2386Ohio, USA |
terrific Martie - just terrific - you do write so very very well - Paul |
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